Advice on Bullying Older sister and brother

FatVonD

It seems to me that the mum is crying out for help, has your partner offered to take his son full time/for longer, could that be what she's hoping for?

19lottie82

acebanditcat wrote: »

The new boyfriend moved in straight away ..... Tho he is apparently not always there and doenst get on with his new baby

How can someone " not get on" with a new baby? :think:

acebanditcat

Hmm i sugggested that we had him full time but althought he'd love to he said his ex wont let him.

Up until the baby arrived in december her and her boyfriends lives were totally child free every weekend so they could go out etc.
My boyfriend takes his son home every sunday and has to drive 30 minutes the opposite direction to go and get her daughter from her dad's. Ad her daughters father doesnt drive, she doesnt and neither does her current boyfriend. None of them are in employment.

I think my boyfriend is going above and beyond quite alot as she doesnt let him have a single weekend off. He was ill one weekend, had been off all week with flu and sickness and told her he was unable to pick him up. I cannot repeat the abuse he got in text messages for being a "usless dad"

His concern mainly is his son. As hes in possible danger. and of course hes concerned about the little girl.

acebanditcat

"not get on with the new baby" as in wont feed, change. doesnt like it crying etc. goes to the pub for peace and quiet and reappears a few days later.

paulineb_2

I can appreciate that you are concerned, but you now seem to be going into the area of slagging this girl and her bf off. And Im not sure what good that does at all.

Yes its a situation that needs to be resolved but the people who need to resolve it are the parents of the kids and theres nothing wrong with you being concerned for the boy, nothing at all.

But if this boy is at risk of being harmed, physically harmed by the older girl that is where your bf needs to step in and try and resolve this as a family before other agencies are involved, ie social services.

The mum sounds like she has quite a lot on her plate at the moment and yes the girl is probably upset at the changes that have happened within the family recently.

And if I were the mum and dad involved in this or mum and dads, Id also be getting the school involved as someone said earlier, if shes misbehaving at home she also might be acting up at school.

And rather than putting the fear of God into her like someone suggested earlier, someone needs to sit down with this child and try to find out why she's so unhappy, because she clearly is.

And if that person needs to be a professional person then so be it, I dont mean social work, I mean a childrens counsellor.

People blaming one another in all of this wont help matters either, its how you fix it thats important.

iwb100

LandyAndy wrote: »

Ah yes. Bullying her. That's sure to work in the long run.

Bullying her? No. But making sure she behaves and is not going to bully him again is not rocket science.

She is 8 years old, what she is doing is wrong. She should know that by now. If she doesn't then she needs to be taught. If she does she needs to realise there are unpleasant consequences for behaving badly.

Sure she may not have lived a perfect life, but who has? In a few years time if she goes off the straight and narrow then it won't matter who was there for her, who walked out when she was 1 etc. It won't make a blind bit of difference psychoanalysing her past. A lot of amateur psychology going on here. But what would make a real difference would be a bit of discipline. I know it's not in fashion. But I think it might just help.

acebanditcat

I wasnt slagging anyone off. i was asked a question and had to explain the reason behind it.

If i were to slag her off id have a field day and im sure youd all have a different point of view. I'm not like that its not my place to judge.
Our concern is his son thats all and i was asking for advice because his ex WILL NOT seek outside help.
My partner has told her that it needs to be sorted before social services get involved. He cant sit down on his own and sort it when his ex want to and her daughters father isnt interested.

acebanditcat

my bf is very good at disaplining his son. he says he has no qualms being the policeman. But when he gets a text message saying the kids wont sit on the sofa to eat their tea he cant really sort that out. all he asked is why arent they sat at the table and the reply is "the washing is on there"

Its difficult trying to discapline part time.

*Robin*

This situation is so sad..

At least the children's Mum appears to recognise that she's not coping. The difficulty is persuading her to accept the help that OP and the little boy's Dad can give.

Is Dad's name on his son's birth certificate? If so, he has more leverage. If I were in Dad's position I'd be most concerned about getting my son out of that potentially dangerous environment - Mum will find two children easier to cope with than three, and the age difference between her daughter and the baby means that the girl won't have competition for her toys if her five year old brother stays at his Dad's for a few weeks. Mum would have the opportunity to involve her daughter more in the care of the baby; "big girls together" type thing which should help daughter bond with both Mum and the new baby.

OP can you befriend Mum yourself? She's likely to be more willing to allow her son to stay with his Dad for a while* if she trusts the woman who would be sharing care of her son.

I wonder if Mum's reluctance to allow her son to stay with his Dad for a few weeks might have something to do with the maintenance Dad is paying? If you and Dad can afford it, OP, it could be worth letting Mum know that the payments will continue while son is 'having a break' at Dad's home.

*When making any suggestions to Mum, emphasise that it's a temporary arrangement, just until her daughter is happier and the baby is more settled into a good routine. An extra carrot might be to offer to have the daughter as well at weekends, to give Mum more time off and maintain the girl's relationship both with brother and her step-dad.
Thus OP and Dad would have the opportunity to include this poor little girl in their much happier family unit, and let her know that she too is loved as they teach her better behaviour by example.

The new baby's Dad sounds like a complete waste of space.

paulineb_2

acebanditcat wrote: »

I wasnt slagging anyone off. i was asked a question and had to explain the reason behind it.

If i were to slag her off id have a field day and im sure youd all have a different point of view. I'm not like that its not my place to judge.
Our concern is his son thats all and i was asking for advice because his ex WILL NOT seek outside help.
My partner has told her that it needs to be sorted before social services get involved. He cant sit down on his own and sort it when his ex want to and her daughters father isnt interested.

Im just not sure why you had to mention that none of the other parties involved werent working and the comment about the father not getting on with his baby.

The bottom line is, you are an outside party to all this, you arent related to anyone in this scenario but your bf is and if your bfs ex partner wont seek ourside help, theres nothing to stop him doing so.

He has options. If he is seriously concerned that this is a child protection issue, the kid is turning up to visits with bruising, he can make a call to social services himself.

And yes it might make for some unpleasant times ahead but what would happen in the worst case scenario? If the boy had to see a GP due to being hurt and there are people involved who know this is going on and who have done nothing.

And it cant be easy having to sit back and watch this, but perhaps its time your bf did something about this rather than let his ex dictate that no outside help is needed.

She sounds like she needs support and shes getting very little.