Advice on Bullying Older sister and brother

acebanditcat

I wonder if I could call on you all for a bit of advice.

My partner received a text message from his Ex last night to say that her daughter (aged 8) is bullying his son (aged 5). She said she has repeatedly told her off but she ignores her and continues it and that she is at the end of her tether and doesn't need this right now as she's trying to cope with her 5 month old baby.

(Brief History: She has an 8 year old Daughter with one guy who sees her every weekend but doesn't pay maintenance for her or take her home (my partner has to go and get her and take her home). She has a 5 year old son with my boyfriend. He pays maintenance every month and pays for his son and her daughters school uniforms) He has his son every single weekend. She now has a new partner and has a 5 month old baby)

Don't get me wrong. I'm not judging her or complaining. I don't have children and I adore my boyfriends son. But he's concerned about the bullying.


The daughter will purposely smash toys and snatch things from her brother but also shoves him into the chest of drawers or shuts doors on his hand (he's lost a finger nail due to this). or breaks his toys. When he is with us on a weekend he regularly has a cut or bruises.

Normally I would imagine that this is just sibling arguments but for my boyfriends ex to text and say she doesn't know what to do is a bit concerning. Although he was a part of her daughters life for 4 years he isn't sure what he can do about it.

When the children are at home they are treated the same and even there are times when the daughter comes to us too cos her dad has refused to have her. But if my boyfriends son has new toys or clothes they always stay at ours and never go back with him to his mums unless we have bought a gift for the daughter.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice or could point me in the right direction.

Many thanks in advance.
x

krustylouise

So would you say your bf treats the little girl as his as well as his son? My only reason for asking is that (forgive me if I'm wrong) he brought the little girl up for 4years, and now he's moved on (obviously they both have) he had the little boy every weekend but not the girl. Do you not think this may be jealousy? Perhaps trying having the little girl the same weekends as the boy for a month and see f there are any changes in behaviour?

Just a thought.

acebanditcat

No she goes to her real dads very weekend even when my boyfriend was with his ex. If she comes with us for a weekend its because her dad hasnt bothered to pick her up. this happens often as he only wants her if his mum can look after her. she is treated the same as his son when she is with us.

My boyfriend and his ex split up 3 years ago.

krustylouise

I feel for you all. It's very hard when a child doesn't act "normal" whatever normal is! My DD went through a spell of bulling people and she isolated herself and noone at school would play with her. Perhaps DD isn't getting much attention due to the baby and is taking it out on her brother. Perhaps her mum could ring the school nurse and discuss methods to help improve her behaviour.

paulineb_2

The mother needs to be dealing with it, along with her partner and the girls dad and your bf as well. Shes just had a baby, it looks like by all accounts home life has been a bit unsettled and the girl is acting accordingly.

But if the boy is getting physically harmed then something needs to be done and soon.

SuzieSue

Would it be possible for your bf's son to live with you until the dd can be trusted not to bully her brother? If he has already lost a fingernail it won't be long until he is seriously hurt.

maman

It's really difficult but I'd imagine that she's desperate for attention because of the new baby. What she probably wants is time to herself with her mum. Is the new partner on the scene?

I'd suggest your bf tells her that this is probably the reason and then tries to help her have some 1:1 time with the little girl. Maybe her partner can have the baby while you have the boy and the two of them could go out together. Maybe you could have the baby and the boy for a few hours? If none of this is possible maybe you could have both children for a weekend. IMO she needs a bit of TLC.

Meanwhile mum needs to try and praise her for every little thing she does right. It's so easy to get locked into a cycle of just telling children off. Children need attention and if they can't get it for good reasons, bad will do! It's a question of mum doesn't notice me when I'm good so I'll be bad and then she can't ignore me.

acebanditcat

Thank you for all your advice. I think a fair few things have been pinpointed there and will be of use.

gibson123

I wonder what's going through the we girls head.

Perhaps

Little brother's dad always turns up and likes spending time with him and is always there for him.

My Dad is not so great and I like little brother's dad better, he has the best dad. I like his dad, he used to be like my dad too, but not so much any more.

My Dad sometimes turns up but I have to stay at grans and don't get to spend much time with my dad.

When I go to brothers dads house, I am part of the whole family it is fun, I wish I was my little brother.

Mum is having a new baby and is not coping and doesn't like me much because I'm bullying my wee brother.

All the adults need to sit down and work out a fairer system.

jackomdj

How is her behaviour when they are at your house?

acebanditcat

She's ok when she's here. To be honest I've only been with my boyfriend for 5 months so she has been here twice. Both occasions she was ok until she was alone in the room with her brother ie we were in the kitchen.
We have taken her to soft play and out for a meal. The son is used to this but she isn't. She doesn't get treats like that so although he knows how to behave in a resturant she doesn't. That isn't really her fault tho