Separated, how much should I provide?

CathA

How lovely, congratulations!

JackRS

....all for those kind words, they are very comforting. I guess I’m self-facing and tend to blame myself and ultimately in this case it was my decision.

I’ll share with you my next dilemma/frustration well not a dilemma now as following discussions with my fianc!e we’ve reach a solution which I know most of you will think I’m being a mug but I have my reasons….

Some of you may remember my daughter, who’s 23 now, is at uni in London. It’s a music performance course that she has completed foundation and first year, so has 2 years left to go. Originally I was planning to help out by paying for food shops on regular visits etc but long story short ended up paying her a monthly sum to help her with living costs until she got her own part time income. During last year she was signed up with an agency to do bar/waitress work at weekend events etc however didn’t do that many. My standing order finished with a payment in July. She’s been living back with her mum for the summer holidays since the end of June and has applied for jobs during the summer but hasn’t been successful and consequently had a nice long summer holiday with her mum who is also off as she works at a school. So yes I do feel frustrated that these 2 ladies seem to be able to live on the south coast have many weeks not working partly funded by me while I’m at work in the middle of the country.

On the way to the meal and the meeting on Sunday, just as I was parking she mentioned that she noticed that there wasn’t a payment this month. I explained that we agreed I’d pay until the end of the educational year and then assess the situation, I appreciate that she has tried to get jobs but unfortunately wasn’t successful. I didn’t want to get into a debate at that time just before the meeting so I said we’d discuss the options another time but I said I had a mortgage to pay, short term bank loan to cover my solicitors fees and due to pay off a 0% credit card in December. I said I would have thought like most students in the summer you’d be looking for any opportunity to earn money e.g. walking dogs, cleaning, bar work, shop work, temp agency etc etc. I feel because she doesn’t have to she has no incentive to and would rather go without. When I drove her home she asked what sort of wedding we were planning to which I explained we hadn’t set a date but were looking at the options as we’d obviously need time to save for whatever we decided. My fianc!e thinks that she will think that I don’t want to pay her anymore because of the wedding etc however it’s not so much the money it’s the fact that she’s not being independent and missing out on life by not getting a part time job of some sort.

What we’re going to do is to pay her a lump sum equivalent to 3 months payments so she can manage it herself and then we will save the monthly sum and give her the balance when she finishes the course in 2 years so that when she completes the course she has something to live on. That way she can’t say it’s about the money and because I’ve met someone new and getting married. Hopefully this will force her to earn some money just like most other less capable students. Obviously I will continue to treat her when I visit or when she finally comes to stay with us. That’s not unreasonable is it?

CruisingSaver

Jack I think your proposal is more than generous. If it was me and my daughter then I'd think of it as a graduation present for gaining a decent degree, assuming that she doesn't cause any issues or upset in the meantime.

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and be financially independent so by not having the monthly allowance should help her manage her money better. Obviously if she has no food etc. then you could arrange a supermarket delivery to her digs.

You come across as a thoroughly decent man Jack and I just wish that your children could see that for themselves.

CS x

Ames

Could you go back to the original plan of food shops?

I understand your reasoning behind giving it to her when she graduates but if she needs it 'now' during term time then it's not much good knowing she'll get it in a couple of years. Although I don't suppose her job prospects are particularly good from that degree, at least not initially.

It's a tough one, on the one hand you don't want her becoming like her mother, on the other you want to support her.

I think that's probably the crux of your problem, that she's acting like her mum? Do you really think she's going down that road or could you just be worrying over nothing?

I think maybe saving the money - in a separate account so you can show her you really are putting it aside - but giving the odd food parcel too would be a way to go. And perhaps some flexibility around her accessing the money if she genuinely needs it - for that kind of course there'll be expensive equipment she needs, for instance.

(Disclaimer - I'm slightly biased because my dad promised me a monthly amount when I was at uni but never gave me it. My financial planning had been done including his contribution and the stress and debt that resulted was a big part of having to quit my course).

JackRS

Thanks CS & Ames


Yes like I said I'm not going to let her go short of food, in terms of equipment I bought her a new guitar that she wanted for Christmas. It's more that I want her to need to get some sort of job to earn something on average 5-8 hours a week. I will need to speak to her mum to ensure a common approach otherwise I can imagine her grandparents making up the difference. By giving her some up front it will buy her some time to find a job.

trix-a-belle

Congratulations to you & your partner.

Alternative; give her a final full month or twos payment (to give her time to find a job when she returns to uni) then after that put half the monthly amount away each month in a 2 year locked away bond for graduation and half to her for living costs or as food parcels but all only paid for the academic year months? Encourages her to support herself more but there is still some support there & acts as an incentive to graduate. There will need to be some transitional period between what you have been and what you do going forward

When I was at uni what monetary support my parents gave me was paid direct and I got the occasional food parcel, usually lots of tins at the start of each term but the rest of my costs and leisure money was from my part time job that I kept on at home and came back for on regular weekends (probably a similar distance as your daughter is at uni to your ex) & then worked there solidly during holiday periods to build up some savings.

JackRS

Thanks trix....


You see you did what most would have to do and worked through the holidays

enthusiasticsaver

I have forgotten how old your daughter is Jack but would say both mine were doing part time jobs from the age of 16, one of them even had 3 jobs going during the university holidays. It taught them not only the work ethic but also they realised unless they applied themselves to their studies that they would be doing dull no future jobs. They did waitressing, cleaning and shop work and I would have thought on the south coast there was plenty of opportunity to find something with a bit of a concerted effort. I think there is a limit to how much leeway you should give her because of the divorce but you really do not want her to turn out as lazy and entitled your OH seemed to be. I think it is time to rein back the financial support and you should not feel that you need to buy her time. I think your fianc! may be right though and she may say it is because of the wedding. How about your son? Is he still NC with you?

JackRS

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I have forgotten how old your daughter is Jack but would say both mine were doing part time jobs from the age of 16, one of them even had 3 jobs going during the university holidays. It taught them not only the work ethic but also they realised unless they applied themselves to their studies that they would be doing dull no future jobs. They did waitressing, cleaning and shop work and I would have thought on the south coast there was plenty of opportunity to find something with a bit of a concerted effort. I think there is a limit to how much leeway you should give her because of the divorce but you really do not want her to turn out as lazy and entitled your OH seemed to be. I think it is time to rein back the financial support and you should not feel that you need to buy her time. I think your fianc! may be right though and she may say it is because of the wedding. How about your son? Is he still NC with you?

Thanks, your comments are inline with my thoughts. She's 23 now and has had jobs, when she was at school she worked the weekends at BHS, she has done some bar/waitress work at events in he last couple of years so has some experience that you'd think would make it possible to get work. Appreciate it's not that simple and it is difficult to get jobs as there's a lot of competition.


I don't have any contact from my son still, I think that will be a long time if ever.

Caroline_a

Well.... I may be a bit unpopular, but I think at 23 she should be making her own way in the world, whether she's still at college or not. My girls all had weekend/holiday jobs from the age of 16 to pay for extras and all have worked since they left full time education. I'm sorry, I don't believe that there are no jobs on the south coast during the holiday period - maybe there are no jobs that she wants to do, but hey, when I was at uni I worked in shops, factories, etc - it wasn't about the job, it was about the money! And if she's doing a music course, is there anything to stop her doing a bit of busking??!

I suspect that you are being taken for a ride by her, encouraged by her mother, who has already bled you almost dry. Be careful that you are not now in the realms of 'buying love' rather than helping out.