Separated, how much should I provide?

Mojisola

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I would be tempted to keep your explanation short, starting with a polite version of it's none of your business. Everything you tell her will go straight back to your ex, who has possibly put your daughter up to asking (deliberately or self consciously) so be very mindful of that.

'It's nothing for you to worry about love and I hope your mum hasn't concerned you unduly. As you know, we're negotiating our financial settlement. Your mum declined my (best and final) offer, so everything is still in the hands of the solicitors and court. I assure you I am not avoiding any of my financial obligations to her (to the point where I have been advised to declare bankruptcy.*)

* which is true on this thread. You'll have a better idea as to whether you should say that or not in terms of what the likely outcomes of saying it might be.

I would go along with something like this - it's bad enough trying to get an agreement between you and the ex - if both children get involved in the discussions of 'what's fair', it will all get much worse.

gonzo127

i also wonder if letting your daughter know that you are close to bankruptcy might be a worth while 'tactic' so that she might realise that your ex has pushed you to the point that you are pretty much bled dry, and that you are not being petty etc

kelpie35

Jack I am so sorry to hear that your ex has involved your daughter. It is not a very nice thing to do, but I am not surprised at anything your ex throws at you now.

If I were you I would tell your daughter that you are in financial difficulties and that you maybe have to go bankrupt as her mother has not agreed to the financial agreement proposed by you. The same applies re the car as you are not allowed to take out a new lease for her till this has been agreed.

You daughter need not know your financial status at the moment but I would plead poverty and very soon homelessness. You are not doing anything bad by letting her know just how difficult things are for yourself.

Your daughter is a young lady now, and I know you wish to protect both your children from hurt and sadness, but they both need to see just what their mother has and is putting you through.

As always you are so dignified in this whole matter and only want a simple life for yourself that will bring you peace and happiness. That is not too much to ask out of life.

Please take care of yourself.

justme111

Imho you went wrong in "prising to explain "in person. It puts you in a position of defending yourself from accusations. I would think saying if mum has issues with anything she can contact you either directly or through solicitors which help she so promptly enlisted after separation (she was one who went through solicitors first leaving you no option but to do the same if I remember correctly) hoping they will get her more money. So now it is in hands of solicitors and in any case you think her involvement of daughter is utterly inappropriate. Unless the daughter wants to know all details of your legal battle -if she does you would be happy to share it with her together with explanation of reasoning re payment and car. Thats what I would have replied.

justme111

Having thought about it more - probably a short message "misunderstanding , payment date changed and she has car as per contract till July " should have sufficed.

JackRS

Basically the point was that they'd thought that the car and maintenance had been agreed it was just the cash sum we were still negotiating on so couldn't understand why I'd requested return of car without replacing it.My daughter pointed out how her mum not having car would effect them etc, lots of other concerns and discussion.

I asked what she knew and had seen, which was everything. So I explained that the negotiating happened at the FDR where I'd increased my offer in attempt to conclude things but her mother wanted more time to consider. However after the deadline for accepting the offer had passed she put in a counter offer for more cash by applying only a 10% discount for cash value of pension. The actuary report used 10% as an example but this was not appropriate considering the pension has a further 15 years to run. So because there was no acceptance of my final offer there is no agreement in place, so I have no choice but to proceed to final hearing. I explained how although waste money in fees it would be better for me as I'd receive a more equal share of cash assets as getting a large mortgage now is not ideal for me. My daughter said that she thought I'd only need something small as it's only me. She said it was difficult to find something nice on the coast with the money and how her mum would struggle going forward and may have to end up living with her parents. I said well that's what happens when couples split up their assets are halved and gong to a more expensive area will have obvious consequences. I said there are many women who have to start again and don't have £210k in cash, maintenance and new car for another 3 years. Or the option to stay with wealthy parents in a big place with 3 spare bedrooms. Many more things were said.

This morning I got an email back from the ex to say could the car be returned on the Sunday night so she can get transport back and I imagine work the next day. I've asked this question to the people that deal with the car returns. So it seems she is still not prepared to accept my offer choosing to return it and go to final hearing.

As ever lots more to it and thoughts but that will do for now. I wonder if it is worth me pointing out the facts again to my ex maybe say my offer is still available and if you accept you will get a replacement car and we can stop loosing money on these fees, also avoid the risk of having to pay my costs if judges direction was in line with my offer and get on with life. However I suspect she'll not accept but probably say give me an extra £20k then maybe....

justme111

"It's just you so you would need something small" - it is just your ex as well so she would need something small as well. Or did she mean they intend to live with their mother? If so i would said that it is hurtful that not only they chosen to live with her but expect you to fund that choice as well . Re car - I would offer daughter equivalent in cash that she could use for her driving lessons or to dp car lease on her name so that theh benefit from it directly.
My feeling is not to try and negotiate with ex , too tiring and hopeless.

kelpie35

I do not think that making a final offer of the car and money will suffice your ex. She is too determined to leave you with nothing.

As for your daughters remark, you only need something small, I just can't believe how she is so understanding of her mothers greediness.

Her remarks must be so hurtful to you Jack but try to stay positive.

Take care.

ampersand

Jack - just as you made the decision, the huge and courageous decision, that soon2bex does not set your agenda or future life, your daughter has to stand back and see she does not either.

It is predictable and shabby of MrsJack to behave thus. but also worrying that daughter re-spouts and may replicate it.

Ex MrsJack is just using/brainwashing your daughter.

Next time you see her - on your terms and territory - explain that you have long needed a new life.

So does soon2b-ex, which may well include meeting a new life partner.

That's, in part, reason for all of this anyway, ending the hollowed-out farce of a 'marriage' that you followed too decently, for too long.

Ask daughter if she remembers this: ' My daughter said that she thought I'd only need something small as it's only me.'

Ask what her idea of your future is. Let's credit her with suddenly realising how ridiculous that version is.

kelpie - I want to think daughter's parroting, not thinking. She's doing well to be on her own at Uni, much supported by Jack as we know.

Jack, I do feel you're holding a steady line now. Please maintain it. You can state to daughter that you[by contrast] will not use her as conduit, that it's her company you enjoy and want.

Right now, another Big 'take care' with positive smiles[from 2 black eyes &, post-Twickenham. No, wasn't playing].

kelpie35

Another thought Jack

Has your daughter or son known any friends that their parents have divorced.

I think if they had a conversation with them they would see how kind, considerate and honest you have been with regards their well-being and financial support.

If they know any other mothers who are getting so much out of this divorce then I am sorry, but they live in a very materialistic world that does not bring peace and happiness to their lives.

I feel that with all the support, and I am not just talking financial support, you have given your daughter over the last 2 years she should be more supportive to you.

Did you inform your daughter that within the next few weeks you are likely to find yourself homeless within the next few weeks. Is she going to support you?

I am sorry if I have mentioned anything to upset you, but I am really saddened and disappointed with how you seem to only be understood when supplying material things to your family.