Separated, how much should I provide?

quidsy

A decent new winter coat can cost 150 quid, thats 3 months saving. I budget clothes for the family on a yearly basis, £50 a month & then when someone needs something it comes out of that pot. It is possible she is doing something the same & £50 pcm really isn't excessive. I've read this thread from the beginning but am really surprised at some of the condescending terms some are using towards the op's ex wife. "madam" for one.

This woman had her whole world turned upside down, yes she needs to get a job, yes she needs to scale back on spendding & yes she has unrealistic goals regarding the settlement but the fact remains she stayed home for most of her childrens lives at the agreement of both of them, jackrs decided to end the relationship which was clearly a shock & so was the major adjustment to the lifestlye which they were accustomed. Her reentry into the real world will take a while yet & whilst I believe jackrs is trying to be fair, his ex wife is also trying to ensure that she doesn't suffer too much intot he future due to the choice jackrs made with all their futures when he decided to end the marriage.

This scenario is one I gave when my gf's decided to be sahm's with the agreement & sometimes suggestion of their husbands & one of the reasons I would never give up my financial independance no matter how much I would enjoy being home with my child.

The way some of you have commented, you would like her to live with no pleasures or luxuries in life even though jackrs has admitted that many of his expenses are related to sports & social life.

Her Soa is actually quite reasonable, the kids contact lenses are something alot of parents pay for even when the kids are working (usually in low paid jobs) or studying. She should be entitled to some kid of "spare" budget in order to facilitate buying birthday & christmas gifts & a life outside of the home.

kelpie35

Oh Jack I can't offer you any advice but I can only acknowledge your patience, kindness and integrity.

Please think seriously of taking early retirement as this has taken a massive toll on your health.

You deserve to have a very happy life. It might not be how you imagined the future to be but I think happiness and contentment are more important than having all this anguish.

Have you managed to sort out where you are laying your head every night?

Ziggazee

I haven't read through the whole of this thread, but I get the definite instinct that wife wants to punish the OP for the marriage ending. She seems intent on living the same lifestyle she did previously and making the OP pay for that.

She really needs to wake up to the fact that her lifestyle will never be the same again. She's now a single parent and needs to start taking some responsibility for bringing in her own income. Yes, she is entitled to a division of matrimonial assets, but once that's done then she's on her own.

If I were the OP I'd be pushing for a final ancillary hearing as soon as possible and let the Court decide.

duchy

quinsy
In principle I agree however in eighteen months she has made no steps in moving forward....... Many women need to start work immediately . She is more fortunate than most in this sense and also because her children aren't very young, plus she has worked comparatively recently and has marketable skills. It's not like she has no qualifications and never held down a job.

Yes she was entitled to be angry but time has passed its time to put her big girl knickers on and start acting like a grown woman and not a petulant little girl. If only to set her daughter a good example.

The marriage didn't work out......it happens. From Jacks posts he sounds a very reasonable man who has worked hard to provide a very nice life for his family yet if you look at her proposals she wants up to eighty percent of the marital total. She doesn't have children to raise anymore and come next month neither will be living with her so surely it is time she considered making an effort at financial self suffiency.

I'm sure she was angry. Jack didn't even fall for someone else he just didn't want to be with her anymore but anger and revenge won't bring a new life and happiness. The sooner all of this is settled the healthier it is going to be for her. She's stuck in a horrible limbo just as much as Jack is.

quidsy

Duchy I don't disagree, she should be putting things in place & getting her bum in gear but my post was more a reaction on the comments to do with her spending. Alot of viterol towards her for spending on things that many of us see as reasonable expenses. She was used to the finer things, she has clearly scaled back compared to last year but she is still allowed to buy clothes, she is allowed to pay for her kids contact lenses, she is allowed to have her hair done. Jackrs hasn't sat in looking at the wall for the past 18months, so why should she.

Gigervamp

I still think £600 a year on clothes (for one person) is a lot, even including a winter coat. I have a good quality wool winter coat that I bought about 20 years ago. It's still in excellent condition.

Still, maybe that's because I cut my cloth to suit my means and don't try to live a lifestyle that's above them.

Mojisola

quidsy wrote: »

She was used to the finer things, she has clearly scaled back compared to last year but she is still allowed to buy clothes, she is allowed to pay for her kids contact lenses, she is allowed to have her hair done.

Jackrs hasn't sat in looking at the wall for the past 18months, so why should she.

But while she is still spending as she thinks she's entitled to, Jack has been getting into debt while living very frugally.

quidsy

Still, maybe that's because I cut my cloth to suit my means and don't try to live a lifestyle that's above them.

But is wasn't above her means a short while ago & will take her a while to deal with that & again, just becuase you are able to live a certain way, many would not wish to.

Gigervamp

Well, then she needs to get a job.

lucym

JackRS wrote: »

OK people please don't argue about this stuff, we are all entitled to a view and I understand it can be frustrating; however none of us has all the facts, even me so there are no wrong points of views as it’s the individuals view as they see it from their life experiences and the facts they are aware of.

Lucym I welcome your views as obviously there 2 sides to this story and this thread is heavily biased to my side. I do try to put across her views and argument but it's great to have someone like yourself giving views from the others side of the coin as this helps me prepare and consider my options better.

So yes it's a long way back in the thread but she mentioned it again to the mediator on Friday that she was working 20 hours a week as a Teaching Assistant but they were increasing the pressure and expecting her to do courses and to expand the role to take on a teaching aspect to allow teachers more planning time etc. She came to me and said she didn't want to work there any more and wanted to stop so she could dedicate her time to her dogs and the home. She said she's take care of the cleaning, food shop, washing and ironing so my weekends would be free of those tasks I'd just have to take care of the traditional 'man' tasks ad projects. This would mean a traditional arrangement like her parents has when she was a girl. What could I say? It was possible financially if we budgeted. Yes there were benefits to me so on balance I agreed as also I couldn't actually force her. So yes we can argue it was a joint decision, in fact it was a request that I agreed to. Anyway that's the past, it's more now about how to move forward.

Your ex will still be grieving the loss of her dreams, hopes and plans. That's not your fault but probably has a bearing on her inability to move on with her life. Alongside her own grief she will have been emotionally supporting your children.

In terms of the financial settlement, I hope that the court is fair to both of you.

I am shocked that your ex has been vilified by so many people on here.