Separated, how much should I provide?

thorsoak

JackRS wrote: »

Why thank you, are you sure you'd want to marry me with all that luggage on my back

Her argument will be need to provide home for the young adults that are our children, and I will say I'd also like to provide somewhere for them to live with me if they choose to. She says they won't want to. She's been advised that due to length of marriage (28 years in a couple of weeks) and the fact that she gave up work to stay at home for teh children then to manage the home to allow me to focus on my career and hobbies she is entitle to half and to compensate for her earning potential. So I know many other cases where the lady has life time maintenance and has been given the house etc. I need a reasonable justification and response, clearly 80/20 isn't fair.

As your children are quite capable young adults - they are not disabled in any way, then her argument that she needs to provide a home for them lacks credence - and in your shoes, I would be attacking that argument. Once they finish uni, they will be starting on their own careers which may or may not be located in the home which their mother provides; it could be that they might prefer to live in the area in which you do.

My friend's daughter has been granted a right to stay in her present home only until the youngest child of that family finishes education - and that child is 17, and the solicitor of the ex-husband has already written to her, asking when the house will be marketed/or when will she be buying out his equity in the property. This is a woman who never had a career, who was expected to provide hospitality for the husband's business partners/clients, who had domestic help etc. Her divorce settlement wasn't generous - as she was in her late 30s/early 40s, her husband claimed that she should be able to start a career and therefore did not need spousal maintenance!

Chin up Jack!

justme111

Re children. Agree with thoroak. If you.wanted to help.them you do not.need your ex as intermediary , ie you give money to her for her to provide for children.
Her reasoning could be calmly questioned on a few lines as folk above noted - provision for children , "need " for a house in a certain area , inability to work - none of those is valid in my opinion. If equity is enough then outright house for her and mortgaged not to the hilt for you and 50/50 on pension would be what I believe fair.

JackRS

She is looking to have enough of the house sale proportion to buy on the south coast outright with no mortgage. This is likely to mean 80% or more of the house. Her argument being she wants to get a home for her and our 2 children and that she has limited opportunity for a mortgage due to being 51 and not got a job yet.

On top of that she wants lifetime spousal maintenance as she said she would work out her needs and expect me to continue to pay that forever. Her argument being that considering my needs I would have money left over which should be hers

So you can see that she wants to have a paid for house on the coast near her wealthy parents with her basics needs paid for and just need to get a part time job to cover things beyond her basic needs.

Yes this is an outrageous expectation and not acceptable to me. She would argue that to compensate for her having the majority of the house I could have the equivalent value in my pension, but that’s at least 15 years away. I live in the now and I don’t want to have to get a big mortgage to buy a house for me (and my adult children should they choose to visit or live with me for a while). I don’t think it is fair and reasonable for her to have the majority of the house or to have lifetime maintenance. Her key argument is my ability to pay a large mortgage is greater than hers.

Been thinking for some time about this and obviously it’s frustrating, I think I should be entitled to 50% of the house, this is my future also and why do I have to give away what I worked and paid for. Yes she has played her part by staying at home for the children and also enjoying a life at home without having to work, wouldn’t we all prefer that option?

I’ve spoken to many people and a lot of them ladies who have been through a divorce and all of them believe her demands are unreasonable and that things like spousal maintenance are things of the past. Although I know of some examples where it has gone the other way.

Can you please give me your thoughts to help me in negotiations, any Erin Brockovich out there (love that film ‘that’s all you got lady 2 wrong feet and f*ing ugly shoes’)

ajsexton

Jack,

I've read most of this thread over the last few months, and you have a ridiculous amount of patience!

50/50 split on house + pension is a fair division of equity,the kids are pretty much adults, as to SM, well maybe you could make an offer of £xx per month for 12 months then £xx/2 for a second 12 months and thats it, this would give her time to find a job and hopefully have it for near enough 2 years. I would suggest xx is a lot less than what she wants! And I'm only suggesting that as you seem to really want to help her adjust.

Scrap the car issue that's for her to sort out if she needs transport.

kelpie35

I would only offer 50/50 on house sale and pension.

No spousal maintenance as she has the ability to get a job.

There is no need for her to keep playing the "I need a home for the children" They are adults now and from all that you have said and done in the past, you would look after them if it is needed.

As for the car I would not renew it after this year is up.

You need to stay strong and look out for no. 1 now. It is people like her that give women a bad name.

Please continue to take care of yourself.

If I were your parent I would be so proud of you in the way you have handled this situation.

JackRS

ajsexton wrote: »

Jack,

I've read most of this thread over the last few months, and you have a ridiculous amount of patience!

50/50 split on house + pension is a fair division of equity,the kids are pretty much adults, as to SM, well maybe you could make an offer of £xx per month for 12 months then £xx/2 for a second 12 months and thats it, this would give her time to find a job and hopefully have it for near enough 2 years. I would suggest xx is a lot less than what she wants! And I'm only suggesting that as you seem to really want to help her adjust.

Scrap the car issue that's for her to sort out if she needs transport.

Thanks for reading and sharing your view, as you’ve read her demands have caused me to doubt my judgment which is her intention and why I seek your views. I am close to loosing my patience and want to get on with my life.

I've been paying SM for more than a year and a half so I believe plenty of time to adjust and find alternative income. She could have got legal aid to cover the cost of mediation if I wasn’t giving her what I do, so I end up paying her and for mediation. My proposal for SM is to stop paying at the current level in 3 months and revert to 15% CSA for child support.

msb5262

She may not have got a job yet but I fear she hasn't exactly been trying that hard...why on earth should marriage be a meal ticket for life? As I have said elsewhere, on my divorce (children aged 5,7 and 9 at the time) I got 66% of the house value and nothing from ex's pension; I got child support for each child until the age of 18, and that's all. When my youngest reaches 18 I won't get anything further from him...why does your ex think she should be "providing a home for the children" when they will be adults? I just don't get it! You have been more than generous Jack. It's time to look at the big picture and see that you have been used and abused....and stop it going any further.

Caroline_a

Another here who got no spouse maintenance, 60% of the house and the weasel wriggled out of child maintenance too by continually swapping/giving up jobs. I think you will find that this is pretty standard stuff.

As far as 'wanting' a mortgage free house on the South Coast... good lord, the woman has some nerve, I have to say. She needs to get off her lazy backside and get a job and start standing on her own two feet! As I said before - is that the example she wants to set to her children - greed plus laziness = nice lifestyle?

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

I would only offer 50/50 on house sale and pension.

No spousal maintenance as she has the ability to get a job.

There is no need for her to keep playing the "I need a home for the children" They are adults now and from all that you have said and done in the past, you would look after them if it is needed.

As for the car I would not renew it after this year is up.

You need to stay strong and look out for no. 1 now. It is people like her that give women a bad name.

Please continue to take care of yourself.

If I were your parent I would be so proud of you in the way you have handled this situation.

Thank you that's a lovely thing to say but you can probably guess what she thinks and the things she says to me for example the other week she said ‘I can’t believe that you’re treating people you once loved so badly, you’re a shadow of the man you were, shirking your responsibilities to your family, I never thought you could be so selfish’.

Yes I am stronger and more determined today than I was 6 months ago, thanks to your support and thinking of a better future. I had some dark times as you know when I wanted out or even worse considered going back just for financial reasons. I’m frustrated that solicitor seems to just generate cost, had a bill of £225 to pay this month just for emails, letters and phone calls.

I’m going down the mediation route which costs but hoped it would in the long run be more cost effective than negotiating through solicitor. However I feel she’ll not agree then we’ll have to go to court and again have to redo the Form E’s which last time cost me £2000 in solicitor fees even though I put all the info in the right format. My solicitor cross examined hers asking questions about what things were spent on etc. To me none of it matters all that matters is what are we going to do in future…

JackRS

msb5262 wrote: »

She may not have got a job yet but I fear she hasn't exactly been trying that hard...why on earth should marriage be a meal ticket for life? As I have said elsewhere, on my divorce (children aged 5,7 and 9 at the time) I got 66% of the house value and nothing from ex's pension; I got child support for each child until the age of 18, and that's all. When my youngest reaches 18 I won't get anything further from him...why does your ex think she should be "providing a home for the children" when they will be adults? I just don't get it! You have been more than generous Jack. It's time to look at the big picture and see that you have been used and abused....and stop it going any further.

Thank you for your views. Her argument that she has been fed by her solicitor is due to the length of the marriage, she is entitled and no party should be worse off than the other.