Dealing with a Fiance with a lot of debt.

ValHaller

boslamr wrote: »

Brilliant! Are you inside my head?

If I am, make the most of it.

I would say be kind and gracious if you are going to deal a death blow to the relationship. But saying "It is not your debt so much as it is you that is the problem" is the kind of essential honesty which could explode in your hands. But if she comes away from this and her father fixes her debt, she will be the same old damaged person.

boslamr

thorsoak wrote: »

If you do marry this woman, you are marrying her because you want to control her. This is not a healthy relationship.

No.. I actually don't want a woman to control. I think my wanting control is just a reaction to a challenging situation. How to make it work requires more effort than I feel should be necessary for two adults. Also, like the previous post from Ognum. She still wants a wedding and a baby. :huh: She can't even pay her student loan, or control her spending. So how can I expect her to do an about face overnight or even in 1-2 years time?

I told her directly that this would be hard road and i'm not sure how it can turn out based on the current circumstances. I'm not one to bet on a long shot. I feel like I would need to step back and see what happens with her behavior and attitude with me hands off.. And also finances are not the only things she's lied about. So how much time am I supposed to wait to see if we will ever be on the same page, or should I just assume that people never change? I'm probably the only person who has challenged her behavior. I think the past guys (the lucky ones?) have just slid out the back door and kept it moving.

Mojisola

boslamr wrote: »

No.. I actually don't want a woman to control. I think my wanting control is just a reaction to a challenging situation. How to make it work requires more effort than I feel should be necessary for two adults. Also, like the previous post from Ognum. She still wants a wedding and a baby. :huh: She can't even pay her student loan, or control her spending. So how can I expect her to do an about face overnight or even in 1-2 years time?

And that's where she wants you - as another "Daddy" who will sort out all her problems for you. Until she changes her ways, you will keep getting forced into a parent role with her.

I told her directly that this would be hard road and i'm not sure how it can turn out based on the current circumstances. I'm not one to bet on a long shot. I feel like I would need to step back and see what happens with her behavior and attitude with me hands off.. And also finances are not the only things she's lied about. So how much time am I supposed to wait to see if we will ever be on the same page, or should I just assume that people never change? I'm probably the only person who has challenged her behavior. I think the past guys (the lucky ones?) have just slid out the back door and kept it moving.

She could change - if she wanted to.

If you really see enough good in her to want to continue, ask her to move out to give yourselves some space and give her time - six months? - to turn her life around. If the spending is more important to her than you, walk away.

(If you were my son and had asked for my advice, I'd say walk away now. She's had plenty of opportunity to change and hasn't made any effort yet.)

Bangton

I definitely wouldn't be marrying this girl anytime soon if it were my situation. The debt I could maybe get past but the fact she actually doesn't seem to care about it would really get my goat.

I don't know her side and I hate to pass judgement but from your point of view it has painted and picture of a girl that is happy to just keep taking from others. Right now she has it perfect...blaze about her debts and you paying her living expenses. She's happy to get married and have a baby because once again it's not her that will cover the costs .. it's her six figure earning partner.

I'm in debt...not to that tune but prior to paying a big chunk I was getting on for £38,000. I now have £15,000 to go after 3 years of grafting to get it down. Only now have I finally got the financial freedom to be able to have a baby without being penniless....I'm 29 and near on my whole 20s have been spent in debt with me constantly having to go without and make tough choices because of said debt. One day your girlfriend will have the same wake up call but I'm worried it won't happen until those around her make her pay her own way.

If you left her tomorrow what would happen? I presume she wouldn't have the funds to pay her own living costs? Or would she? In which case, if you do stay I'd be asking her to contribute towards living costs. Not to be harsh but to show her a lesson in having to manage her debt without that help. Sadly you can't control her dad...that's his choice but from your end you have to get tougher and give her a reason to want to pay those debts off. Call the engagement off until your happy with the level of her commitment to paying things off. People do change (I did) but sometimes they need a push.

If that all sounds like too much hard work then I think it's pretty obvious what you should do...leave

BugglyB

You don't sound like you like, trust or respect her very much.

**professor~yaffle**

Ditto bugglyB, he doesn't sound like he even likes the woman, let alone loves her enough to want to marry her.

BugglyB

Just to contrast, I am getting married in a few months.

I trust my fiance with my money.

I think our futures are compatible.

I think he's a good man with decent morals.

Its kind of the minimum you want before you even think about getting married.

Robisere

This woman is a spoiled brat who has never moved past the stage of relying totally on Daddy to keep her in her fantasy world. If you marry her, you will become Daddy.

Time to take to the lifeboat, leave the sinking ship before it drags you under.

My daughter had the male equivalent of this person, left her in big debt and kept trying to saddle her with more, even after the divorce.

Bale out, use your head and cut your losses.

FBaby

You are in no way ready to be married. Why even consider it? You don't know one bit. 2 years of knowing someone is not long at all to start with, but when you then discover that they've kept things from you, and the implications of these secrets in terms of learning about their personality, you might as well start all over again.

Are you really confident that her keenness to get married has nothing to do with seeking financial security? Is it you she is committed to or your wallet? You've already divorced, you've been there, why rushing into another marriage with someone you hardly know?

Tell her that she has deceived you and as a result, you are not confident that she is financially responsible and until you are, you are not prepared to enter into marriage.

Primrose

I'm sorry but I think you are simply being lied to and having seen your own attitude to money you are never going to feel safe that your married situation would not suddenly reveal a disastrous debt situation you were unaware of or that your fianc!e is capable of long term financial prudence. You would be wise to recognise this, as I think you already have. The fact that you are even raising your anxieties with strangers suggests you have already lost trust in your fianc!e. End it now before your life suffers another serious road crash. Once a spendthrift, always a spendthrift! Just not worth the risk!