Dealing with a Fiance with a lot of debt.

boslamr

My fiance is expecting us to get married next year but as time has gone by I'm realizing I have a lot of concerns about her financial situation.

prior to the engagement, I found out that she had about 5-6k in bad credit card debt. I figured no biggie then I found out about a 13-14k owed on a car repo. Our agreement was that she would find a away to resolve this debt while myself and her dad were already helping her financially. Her dad pays for her current car. And I'm offsetting living expenses by the fact we live together.

Anyway, she has been in grad school off and on for the last four years (I've only known her for two). And I just now found out that she is has 69k in student loans. A conversation came up where she was talking about taking more loans to go to school for additional certifications or her PhD after she finished grad school. The bad debt prompted me to find about the student loan debt. This is lot of money for someone who only pays $35k yr.

So anyway now we've been fighting because this was not the picture she sold me when we first met and it seems to get worse and worse. She's attempted to pay off a few of her credit cards, but really dragging her feet. and no plan in sight to get out her dad's car. I told her I don't want to inherit all this debt, especially when she is not really even trying to manage it on her own. student loans are still being deferred because she has no way to pay them without a 2nd job or relying on me more for financial help. I make 6 figures and I have no debt, except a mortgage and car note, purchased with her in mind post marriage (stupid of me) and truck that's paid off. I also have child support. I save about 20% of my money each month.

Well I feel a bit deceived and also not sure if this is something i want to take on. Is this something we can deal without putting some of my personal goals off to help us as a couple? This has me rethinking things. I just spent 5 years getting out of credit card debt, back taxes and a divorce. And even that was not over 40k. I've never seen this much useless debt for one person. This almost 90k.

[Deleted User]

I feel for you and i understand how you feel. I too was deceived about a partners debt problems. He blamed his split from his ex, but further down the line he got into 10s of thousands of pounds worth of debt when with me. I bailed out... because i sold a house which was mine to buy a house with him whwn he hadnt a penny to his name and then he lied and lied behind my back about what hed been spending when we were together. To me he had no respect for me. Infact it was like he couldnt help himself spending. I sold the joint house and started again. Just be very wary, love is blind so they say and i had no idea of the implications of having to start again by myself at an older age. I struggled enough before i met him and was proud i had bought up my boys when they were younger without debt... what my now ex done to me went totally against every grain i had ever believed in.

Jinx

I can understand your view entirely. When I met my now husband I was on the path to being debt free after spending too much on credit cards. He freely admits had I not already been on that path he would probably never have got together with me.

Finances can pull apart couples. I think you need to fully talk through your financial approaches long before a wedding date is set. Good luck.

thorsoak

You obviously have completely different views on finances - and finances and relationships do need to be in kilter if either is to run smoothly.

You both have to be completely open with each other about how you view them - if she is okay about debt, then ok - but you cannot expect a relationship to survive when you feel it essential to clear all debts first. You both have to chose ...which is most important to you separately, and as a couple -

marisco_2

Do you feel that you have the full picture now? Or are you worried that there could be further revelations of more debt over time? Honesty is a huge part of being able to trust someone and trust is a major foundation of any relationship. When that is knocked it can make you question the person you are with and not just the problem in hand.

So do you trust your fiance has told you everything and that she will sort out the debt from now on in? I get the impression that you feel really uncertain about what you are getting involved in. I think you need a very open chat with your fiance and to put across all that is concerning you.

**professor~yaffle**

Your opening sentence suggests that you are not very happy:
You write: "My fiance is expecting us to get married next year.."
rather than: "We are expecting to get married next year"

Are you based in the UK? The student loan does sound like a lot but doesn't that just get taken out of her wage packet once she starts earning, like a kind of graduate tax?

Person_one

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Your opening sentence suggests that you are not very happy:
You write: "My fiance is expecting us to get married next year.."
rather than: "We are expecting to get married next year"

Are you based in the UK? The student loan does sound like a lot but doesn't that just get taken out of her wage packet once she starts earning, like a kind of graduate tax?

With the use of the $ rather than £ I'm guessing this is in the US, where student loans are more like real debt than they are here, but still pretty unavoidable.

OP, I'd end this relationship, but mainly because you talk about her having 'sold' you something. That's not how it should be.

boslamr

marisco wrote: »

Do you feel that you have the full picture now? Or are you worried that there could be further revelations of more debt over time?

So do you trust your fiance has told you everything and that she will sort out the debt from now on in?

We have had many open chats, and she always is trying to convince me that she is trying. Maybe not lavishly spending but always eating out which I know she cannot afford to the extent that she indulges. Every argument we have is an excuse to go to her folks or visit her friends out of town and "get away from the situation". I've looked at her budget. She barely has $100/mo in disposable income.. and that's with her cooking and brown-bagging it to work. even if she could cut back some that maybe only saves another $100/mo

She did finally start a 2nd job last week, yet before her first day there she was already talking about things she can buy with the extra money. I told her there is no extra. You are 90k in hole and you have 590 FICO score and you don't own your own car. She says she understands but even after she moved in, every dollar that was freed up has now gone to some other thing. Like I said before, mainly eating out. Funny.. that sometimes she has eaten out and came home and still cooked, ate dinner with me and says she hadn't eaten all day. She forgot I had the passwords to her bank accounts now, so I already know whats up. and more recently when I tried to break it off, she has claimed that she paid off two more debts. No trace of it in her bank statements and I know she doesn't keep that much cash.

boslamr

Person_one wrote: »

With the use of the $ rather than £ I'm guessing this is in the US, where student loans are more like real debt than they are here, but still pretty unavoidable.

OP, I'd end this relationship, but mainly because you talk about her having 'sold' you something. That's not how it should be.

Yes.. I'm in the US. But over here, student loans cannot be discharged with bankruptcy and installments are like 15-25 years. so just imagine 69k@3.4% for 25 years. and she can't even afford to make that payment now. So as a couple she is not likely to contribute a whole lot to your money pool with that and other debt she is bringing. At least not for a few years.. IF she is diligent.

Bluemeanie_2

End it. If she is already talking about what to waste her income from her 2nd job on I can't see it ever improving. Unless there is a realistic hope of her earning a brilliant wage pretty quickly!

thorsoak

boslamr wrote: »

We have had many open chats, and she always is trying to convince me that she is trying. Maybe not lavishly spending but always eating out which I know she cannot afford to the extent that she indulges. Every argument we have is an excuse to go to her folks or visit her friends out of town and "get away from the situation". I've looked at her budget. She barely has $100/mo in disposable income.. and that's with her cooking and brown-bagging it to work. even if she could cut back some that maybe only saves another $100/mo

She did finally start a 2nd job last week, yet before her first day there she was already talking about things she can buy with the extra money. I told her there is no extra. You are 90k in hole and you have 590 FICO score and you don't own your own car. She says she understands but even after she moved in, every dollar that was freed up has now gone to some other thing. Like I said before, mainly eating out. Funny.. that sometimes she has eaten out and came home and still cooked, ate dinner with me and says she hadn't eaten all day. She forgot I had the passwords to her bank accounts now, so I already know whats up. and more recently when I tried to break it off, she has claimed that she paid off two more debts. No trace of it in her bank statements and I know she doesn't keep that much cash.

You're stalking her and checking up on her!!!!

Sorry - but there is absolutely NO CHANCE that your relationship will prosper - it's already scarily unhealthy! Debt or no debt, your "fiancee" has a right to privacy. If I were her, I would be running ....fast and far away!