Dealing with a Fiance with a lot of debt.

mountainofdebt

boslamr wrote: »

Her dad is happy to do it! In fact, he even wanted me to take over and do the same thing. Her dad and mom doesn't even have a retirement now because he's been footing her foolishness for 30 years. he gave her $500/mo allowance in college and she still managed to have 69k in student loans. she let her car go because she he was going to bail her out either way. he just didn't want to make the high payments on her car. So he ended up sending a car anyway. And she would'nt help pay for it because "it's ugly and there is no way I would pick this car for myself". Well the car YOU picked out got repoed. She actually told me when we met that she worked a deal where the bank took the car back and sold it for her to release her from the loan. :mad: her mother is !!!!ed because she is tired of bailing her out and was actually hoping that she had changed because of our relationship and they hadn't really been hearing from her much about money.. guess why? my size 12s stay planted in her rear. But now my ankles soar. :-)

And there you have the cause of the problem.

No-one has ever challenged her over her spending and no-one has ever let her suffer the consequences of her spending.

(is she an only child or the only girl by the way?)

Question is do you want to be the one to help her see sense?

ognum

I think it is time for a serious conversation, OP I feel you are slowly stepping back from this relationship as more and more is revealed about your fianc!.

I believe that when you marry they become your debts morally if not legally. Are you prepared for this?

Are you prepared to add to the debt with a lavish wedding? Time to be grown up and face the music.

Either you become one in your desire to be debt free or your marriage won't work, you have created the perfect storm for an early divorce.

So, if she won't talk, write her an email, use however you communicate best to tell he the wedding will not be next year, it will not be until the debts are paid.

Sorry but it's time for tough love!

thorsoak

If you do marry this woman, you are marrying her because you want to control her. This is not a healthy relationship.

ValHaller

boslamr wrote: »

Her dad is happy to do it! In fact, he even wanted me to take over and do the same thing. Her dad and mom doesn't even have a retirement now because he's been footing her foolishness for 30 years. he gave her $500/mo allowance in college and she still managed to have 69k in student loans. she let her car go because she he was going to bail her out either way. he just didn't want to make the high payments on her car. So he ended up sending a car anyway. And she would'nt help pay for it because "it's ugly and there is no way I would pick this car for myself". Well the car YOU picked out got repoed. She actually told me when we met that she worked a deal where the bank took the car back and sold it for her to release her from the loan. :mad: her mother is !!!!ed because she is tired of bailing her out and was actually hoping that she had changed because of our relationship and they hadn't really been hearing from her much about money.. guess why? my size 12s stay planted in her rear. But now my ankles soar. :-)

She does not want a partner - she wants a replacement for her father who is probably getting past his best earning days.

She is damaged by a poor upbringing where she has not developed rational behaviours in relation to money. It affects children from the poorest families, where there is never enough money for the children to have pocket money - and the richest where there is too much money for the parents to think that pocket money is necessary. Pocket money (do you call it allowance in the US?) is fairly central to learning how to deploy a finite resource to maximum benefit

And you are not the one to put this right - it is putting you in a position which you are not equipped to deal with - you seem inclined to resort to control when things get tough and this is a situation where control is probably the only accessible strategy you have.

This relationship seems doomed to end in a very ugly way. It is exposing deficiencies in you (so you can go away from this having grown). But even if you put those deficiencies right, you cannot make this relationship right. Whereas if you go away from this relationship having learned about yourself and prepared to address what has emerged, I think you will be much stronger and more able to make a success of a relationship with a less challenging partner.

boslamr

mountainofdebt wrote: »

And there you have the cause of the problem.

No-one has ever challenged her over her spending and no-one has ever let her suffer the consequences of her spending.

(is she an only child or the only girl by the way?)

Question is do you want to be the one to help her see sense?

Her mother's only child, Dad's only girl. He has two older sons from a previous marriage which he is not close to. Her mother will give her tough love, but Dad will not. He seems to feel a need to be liked. Acts like he is afraid to be on her bad side. I told him in a conversation before that he needs to cut her off. He said that I'm being harsh because I've been married before and know better. I told him that my knowing better and letting her drag me through a repeat of my 20s would make me look like the most foolish man on the planet.

[Deleted User]

thorsoak wrote: »

If you do marry this woman, you are marrying her because you want to control her. This is not a healthy relationship.

In what way?

boslamr

ValHaller wrote: »

She does not want a partner - she wants a replacement for her father who is probably getting past his best earning days.

She is damaged by a poor upbringing where she has not developed rational behaviours in relation to money. It affects children from the poorest families, where there is never enough money for the children to have pocket money - and the richest where there is too much money for the parents to think that pocket money is necessary. Pocket money (do you call it allowance in the US?) is fairly central to learning how to deploy a finite resource to maximum benefit

And you are not the one to put this right - it is putting you in a position which you are not equipped to deal with - you seem inclined to resort to control when things get tough and this is a situation where control is probably the only accessible strategy you have.

This relationship seems doomed to end in a very ugly way. It is exposing deficiencies in you (so you can go away from this having grown). But even if you put those deficiencies right, you cannot make this relationship right. Whereas if you go away from this relationship having learned about yourself and prepared to address what has emerged, I think you will be much stronger and more able to make a success of a relationship with a less challenging partner.

Brilliant! Are you inside my head?

[Deleted User]

The thing is from my point of view, you cant control the uncontrollable. Shes in charge atm and with a person with a personality like that its like an addiction. They dont see themselves in the way others do. If she did she would have sorted out a plan to get herself out of her situation. And people would say if she loved the OP and see how hurt and frustrated he is, she would do it now. But from my experience they cant. Because if she could she would have already.

ValHaller

thorsoak wrote: »

If you do marry this woman, you are marrying her because you want to control her. This is not a healthy relationship.

Highlighted, the one word I disagree with. I don't think OP does want to control her, but whatever she needs, I don't think he has it - nor should he be expected to have it. His only option is to control her because that is about the only resource he has.

She is a cripple in the mental sense because she has never learned to deal with money as a financial resource. If someone was thinking of marrying a seriously disabled person and did not have the personality traits to do it, I think we would be urging not to go ahead and pointing out the incompatibilities, without defining those incompatibilities as failings.

mountainofdebt

boslamr wrote: »

Her mother's only child, Dad's only girl. He has two older sons from a previous marriage which he is not close to. Her mother will give her tough love, but Dad will not. He seems to feel a need to be liked. Acts like he is afraid to be on her bad side. I told him in a conversation before that he needs to cut her off. He said that I'm being harsh because I've been married before and know better. I told him that my knowing better and letting her drag me through a repeat of my 20s would make me look like the most foolish man on the planet.

In fairness I think it sounds not so much a case of needs to be liked but a case of he's not close to his older children (for what ever reason) and he doesn't want the same relationship with his daughter so he won't or can't say no to her.

She sounds as if she knows you're giving her the tough love and is acting like a child would.....doesn't see that giving you half the truth is telling you half a lie...just hopes you won't find out about it.

tbh I think I would ask her to leave and then when you've both got some breathing space and thought about what you both want get together and see if there's a way of you being able to work it out