Dealing with a Fiance with a lot of debt.

caeler

Sounds like in addition to your difference in financial attitude there is a break down in trust. I was once together with a 'spender' and had we stayed together much longer he would have dragged me under with him.

Do you still want to be in this relationship? If you do, then you need to have a serious chat with her about how you feel. Good luck.

boslamr

Person_one wrote: »

With the use of the $ rather than £ I'm guessing this is in the US, where student loans are more like real debt than they are here, but still pretty unavoidable.

OP, I'd end this relationship, but mainly because you talk about her having 'sold' you something. That's not how it should be.

I use the term "sold" like "sold a bill of goods". A figure of speach. That I didn't get what I bargained for. as a part of her therapy (she does that now too) she wrote me a letter that named a number of times, when and how, she deceived or disrespected me and/or the relationship. it was a 2 page letter. I felt like a real sucker. And the deception extended from the week we met until about 6 months ago, save for the student loans. That's not really deception. I just didn't ask.

Person_one

boslamr wrote: »

I use the term "sold" like "sold a bill of goods". A figure of speach.

Well, yes, exactly.

I suggest ending the relationship so you can spend more quality time with your money.

Neither of you is smelling of roses here, do you really see a lifelong happy future together?

thorsoak

For the record, I absolutely abhor excessive debt - but your attitude is disrespecting her - accessing her bank accounts without her knowledge is definitely a no-no!

boslamr

thorsoak wrote: »

You're stalking her and checking up on her!!!!

Sorry - but there is absolutely NO CHANCE that your relationship will prosper - it's already scarily unhealthy! Debt or no debt, your "fiancee" has a right to privacy. If I were her, I would be running ....fast and far away!

HAHA.. No! She gave me the passwords in effort to be transparent after she got caught up in her deception. So then I started to occasionally monitor them if I felt a need to verify something she said. I told her i don't like doing it. and I feel even worse when about when more than half the time my hunch was right. that she lied or omitted. In marriage, finances are not private. You're supposed to agree on finances and someone doing something contrary is a problem. I believe that in engagement while our finances may not be mingling just yet, they do need to be working toward a common goal.

mountainofdebt

Can I just what her father's attitude to paying for her car is?

If he's happy to do it then why would the fact that he is bug you?

[Deleted User]

caeler wrote: »

Sounds like in addition to your difference in financial attitude there is a break down in trust. I was once together with a 'spender' and had we stayed together much longer he would have dragged me under with him.

Do you still want to be in this relationship? If you do, then you need to have a serious chat with her about how you feel. Good luck.

This is how i felt.. i got out before i lost everything. As for having passwords to her accounts. I didnt have any my exs, i wish i had because it wouldnt have gone into 10s of thousands of pounds he spent. It was all done online with no statements coming through the post. I trusted him. If your in a relationship, you should share everything including finances and passwords. There should be no secrets and no lies.

boslamr

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Can I just what her father's attitude to paying for her car is?

If he's happy to do it then why would the fact that he is bug you?

Her dad is happy to do it! In fact, he even wanted me to take over and do the same thing. Her dad and mom doesn't even have a retirement now because he's been footing her foolishness for 30 years. he gave her $500/mo allowance in college and she still managed to have 69k in student loans. she let her car go because she he was going to bail her out either way. he just didn't want to make the high payments on her car. So he ended up sending a car anyway. And she would'nt help pay for it because "it's ugly and there is no way I would pick this car for myself". Well the car YOU picked out got repoed. She actually told me when we met that she worked a deal where the bank took the car back and sold it for her to release her from the loan. :mad: her mother is !!!!ed because she is tired of bailing her out and was actually hoping that she had changed because of our relationship and they hadn't really been hearing from her much about money.. guess why? my size 12s stay planted in her rear. But now my ankles soar. :-)

boslamr

my statement about her dad should give some clue as to how he doesn't exactly live in reality either. $500/mo could have paid for tuition while she took her !!!! to work. anytime anything goes wrong, he just says, here's some money, move back home. Would a crackhead stop smoking crack, if you keep giving them money to smoke?

[Deleted User]

So seriously now.. what do you see yourself doing? I hate when relationships end but you have to look after yourself and you shoudnt be a cash cow for your fiance.