Advice needed - don't know what to do about marriage anymore

Errata

OP your post isn't incoherent, it's quite illuminating.
1) Your landlord's life might seem quite spiffy to you, but he can't run it without the money a lodger brings in. He has to give up his privacy to fund his lifestyle.
2) Why would your wife agree to moving to Edinboro or another large city if she won't move to London - one of the easiest places to get to from anywhere in the country, allowing her to manage her current committments.
3) It seems to me that if both of you are not committed to your family as your primary committment with everything else coming second it would help if you reviewed your priorities together.

ScaredAndConfused

Hi Errata,

I probably made more of the spiffy life I guess - that wasn't what I enjoyed most about being down there, it was more the location, the friends I had down there, that kind of thing - and that's something else I need to address up here, I'm not sure she'd want to move to Edinburgh either, and wherever I get a new job, it is going to involve commuting for me personally.

reviewing our priorities does need to be done, and we have been doing so. Is it enough to love someone, is that all that matters? I don't suppose anyone really knows the answer to that one - or if they do, then they are a better person than me!

lynzpower

ScaredAndConfused wrote: »

Hi Errata,

I probably made more of the spiffy life I guess - that wasn't what I enjoyed most about being down there, it was more the location, the friends I had down there, that kind of thing - and that's something else I need to address up here, I'm not sure she'd want to move to Edinburgh either, and wherever I get a new job, it is going to involve commuting for me personally.

reviewing our priorities does need to be done, and we have been doing so. Is it enough to love someone, is that all that matters? I don't suppose anyone really knows the answer to that one - or if they do, then they are a better person than me!

personally, Id go to the end of the earth for my OH. If he wanted to move to the moon I would go but he would have to prove to me what was there, that wasnt attainable elsewhere. as it was when we met, on our second date I asked him to move to london to be with me and he did. I have suggested to him we might want to live back home ( his dads very unwell) to be there so I could suopport the family with caring, when needed ( not for a good whil yet) and hes said no chance!

ScaredAndConfused

Toots wrote: »

I've always thought though that you never really know exactly how someone thinks as I think most people hold back something of themselves as a bit of a saftey mechanism. I am so impressed by the soul-bearing honesty of your posts and wonder why, as another post said, you don't show this thread to your wife.


Toots

I'd have to agree with you on the 'most people hold back something' sentiment, I know I do. This thread is going off on so many tangents hasn't it? I think there's always a part of 'me' that only I really know - it's weird, I guess I've always been like that though, an example would be when I was growing up and was bullied from primary school up till leaving secondary school, it's something I never told my parents about, and always kept to myself, there's some funny things in life that make you who you are I suppose, and it's not always easy to explain.

Same with the 'holding part of yourself back' - there's not many people I could talk to about all of this, I'll be honest - if I was looking for someone to talk things over with I've probably got my friend who I stayed with at the weekend, he's always been a good sounding-block, and probably my old landlord and landlady, which seems like an odd thing to say I know, but it's probably true. Sometimes maybe we just keep things back, and to ourselves, through not wanting to hurt those around us?

Everything will work out one way or another though, of that I've no doubt, and, everything happens for a reason! I got moved down south for a reason (to meet my landlord and landlady, two of my dearest friends) My son was born for a reason, I bumped into this girl on Saturday for a reason, I've not been succsesful in finding the right job yet for a reason - maybe the job I discussed at lunchtime with the agency is the one that's right for me, and I'll get that - again, for a reason.

There's an old saying that I always think of it times like this - 'What's meant for you, won't go by you' - in other words, if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to happen

[Deleted User]

you are going through a stage ie a turning point. It is very common at various stages in marriage. We went through it at 7 years and it can be worked through, believe me.

Court your wife again. Touch her without sex. Start to talk with her but really listen as well.

Marriage is a patchwork quilt that you make throughout your lives. It isn`t hunky dory all the time but when you get to 25 years married you`ll be the envy of all your single friends. It is so worth working at

ScaredAndConfused

Toots wrote: »

I'll only tell people as much as I want them to know and no more (which isn't a great deal).

Hmm, who does THAT remind me of!

Errata

Couple of things come to mind: "How're we gonna keep him down on the farm, now that he's seen Paree?" and holding back in case you get hurt means you're not able to trust someone not to hurt you.
OP, you're in IT so perhaps you would be more comfortable looking at things as either 1 or 0. If that's the case then both of you might find a way through this fog of not knowing/undestanding what and why the other wants different things if you sit down together and do a thorough risk assessment on all the options. Being pragmatic can sometimes be helpful as the focus is on the issue and not the emotions.
The road of marriage is scattered with broken but ongoing marriages where the wife wouldn't support the husband to follow his career dreams. There's a lot of frustrated and bitter husbands out there married to wives who wouldn't negotiate. Who makes the big decisions in your family? Who decided whether and when to get married? Who decided to start a family? Is there a pattern? HTH

catkins

In your original post you said your wife would move if you could earn £30k a year. Would she really or did she say that knowing you would not get a job paying that? I ask that because you say she does not want to move because of "commitment" but what would happen to those "commitments" if you could earn £30k?

You moved to be with her and, for you, it has not worked out so in all fairness she should really try living somewhere you want to live to see if she likes it or not. As I said, I lived abroad, mainly because OH wanted to live there. It did not work out but at least I tried it (for 5 years).

If you said "I am going to live in Edinburgh/Newcastle/wherever and I want you to come with me but I will go on my own if necessary" (not suggesting you should say that!) what do you think she would say? Would she let your marriage end because she is not willing to move?

reheat

kittie wrote: »

Court your wife again. Touch her without sex. Start to talk with her but really listen as well.

This is really good advice I think. When people drift apart the most obvious solution is the most obscure to see ~ get to know each other all over again! And if it shocks you to think you may be drifting apart, far better to get the shock in time to do something about it. People natures mature and develop as time move on ~ indeed one of the greatest things within marriage is each helping (without cajoling) the other fulfill their individual potential, their spirit fly! So if you each don't listen ~ really listen as kittie says above ~ you each will lose touch.

It's a funny thing about life but I've found that most situations that seem doom-laden are often gifts in disguise, the very things that pull you out of the rut, you just have to see it in a different way. One of the best ways people can get to know each other again is to tackle a shared life issue as a real team. Discuss over a cup of tea (telly off!), go for a walk, whatever, so that you can share each other's company ... and for heaven's sake you must both listen with real interest, not feigned. And if you are lucky you may discover a deeper respect and love for each other than you realised. The funny thing I refer to? ... well you are in the very midst of a shared life issue, that really needs lots of shared discussion. You may have talked with each other about the mechanics of your situation, moving, travel etc. But have you both ~ it's a two way street this ~ tried to discuss what these things actually mean to each of you, and how some teamwork between you might help solve your shared problem? If you really get into this you will start to find something magical ~ a sense of team spirit facing up to a shared challenge. I speak from experience here. And if you are not sure what to talk about? ... as Julie implied earlier, this thread is packed with material even if you don't initially show the thread to your wife.

If it sounds like I'm putting it all on you I'm not ~ the whole point is about sharing. And although it's utterly wrong and destructive to do drama-queen stuff, it's also really disrespectful to each other to not involve each other in problems that are shared problems anyway ~ one will inevitably feel hurt and shut out and not respected if the other does this to them. Love has to include respect for the person you love, else it's simply obsession, and it's scary the ways we can inadvertently be disrespectful the to other person without realising it.

Anyway I've rambled on a bit so I'll call it a day now! But teamwork, sharing, listening, respect, and seeing problems as opportunities for getting to know each other better ... are good things to sleep on. And oh yes ... it does take bottle and swallowing of pride to make it work! ... but it's well worth it.

ScaredAndConfused

I'd have to agree with your last part Reheat - definetely! I want to make things work, and I really hope we can. If everyone gave up at the first sign of a problem, where would we be?