Advice needed - don't know what to do about marriage anymore

ScaredAndConfused

Both RachieB and lynzpower raise (as everyone else has) some very valid points.

I have broached the subject of relocating a lot of times, but it's just something my wife doesn't want to consider being too far away from 'home' for. She has a lot of commitments to other things outside of our little family, which means she can't realistically do that.

When I was in the South, my landlord (and I know this sounds a bit soft, but he was more like my best friend) was in the process of buying another home for him and his pregnant wife - basically they lived in a three bedroomed flat, and I rented a room, and lived with them (I know I go on tangents, but the times down there were the happiest I've had! ) anways - digressing. They were looking to buy a family home with a little one of their own on the way.

He said I could have the flat (paying rent obviously!) but it was a great flat in a very nice area of Essex (not quite chigwell territory, but close enough!) I explained this to my wife, told her how I knew the plan was for me to stay in london for a year, then return, but it had worked out better for me than I thought it would, and wanted her to join me. We had our home up here, and that could have been rented out to cover the mortgage payments at least, but she wouldn't do that, unless I was on £30k a year - that was my first stab at getting her to relocate.

We are looking to move to a bigger home (we have a 2 bedroom house that we've started to outgrow) to a larger market town nearby. Last night she asked if that was enough for me, if I was happy with that plan, and if not, now was the time to say. The thing is - until you are somewhere, you don't know if it's going to 'be for you' or not really do you? Things are never easy, that's the only certainty in life!

If I could move us all down to where I was in the south, I'd go like a shot, I really would, but then you're looking at spending upward of £250k if I wanted to live in a 'decent' area, which we just couldn't afford to do. I'd look to move to either Newcastle, or Edinburgh - but then maybe I'm just thinking 'it would be better there' when, no matter where you move to, the same problems could still remain.

I am applying for other jobs with better prospects for myself, but because we live in a small rural location, and the nature of my work means that it's not going to be somewhere 'local' and really, I need to focus on looking for employment in one of these two locations.

Do I resent her for not coming down South with me? If I'm being honest, yes I do at times. Do I resent my son for being the reason I came back here? Not at all, he's absolutely fantastic - at the moment my main input on his life seems to be winding him up and making him laugh! but it's what I live for!]

Do I know for absolute certainty what's going to happen in the future? not at all! But when you go through a situation like this, you can I suppose, sometimes think it's only happening to you, and that if you DO leave (which I don't think I'm going to do) then you're going to let everyone else down, what would my parents think of me etc. etc.?

arggh!!! Long winded post over for now - and back to work, sadly! Thanks everyone

Rachie_B

i feel for you

its a tough situ to be in im sure !

you hit the nail on the head though ,i think,when you said "no matter where you move to, the same problems could still remain."

catkins

Whereabouts do you live? Is there no big town that you could move to that is not too far away from where you are now? Does your wife drive? If not, would she think about learning? I don't know what commitments she has but surely it would be possible to move somewhere not too far?

Would she really not consider renting the house in Essex for a year or so to see if she liked living in the south? If you own your own home (sorry I can't remember if you said you did or not) then you could put the profit away and, provided the rent is not too much, maybe save some more. If after a year or so she was not happy you could move back.

I moved abroad mainly because OH wanted to. I gave it 5 years but was so unhappy and homesick that we came back. OH was quite happy to do so even though he loved it there as I had at least tried it.

ScaredAndConfused

This is so, not odd, but I can talk on here about exactly how I feel, and it has helped me so much! Through the nature of the commitments she has up here, then she couldn't move massively far away - that was one of the things that came up on our phone conversations when I was away - she told me that, if I did make her move away, it would break her heart to leave it behind, and she'd be breaking inside all the time - how could I do that to her? i realise it's all incredibly cryptic and probably not a good explanation from me though.

I know what'll happen though, we'll be at home, I'll be quiet and things might just go round in circles. Whatever happens - and I don't think it'll ever happen, but if we did split up (I keep saying it, but I don't think it'll come to that) I'll always have my little boy, who I love more than anybody else in the world.

The funny (well, it's not funny) thing is, my friend that I stayed with, broke up with his girlfriend because he wanted the marriage/children thing, when I told my wife that I'd been talking to him, she brought up how I had everything that he wanted, and I still wasn't happy - but sometimes it takes more than just 'having' what someone else wants, if that makes sense?

There's people worse off than me in the world, of course there are, and things could be much much worse of course they could. Like I keep telling myself, everything happens for a reason!

reheat

I've not had time to read your post all through,as I'm about to dash for my train home, but just quickly a thought. I've been married over 25 years now and known my wonderful wife over 30. Inevitably there are ups and downs, and I know my perceptions of have sometimes been a part of problem. The simplest yet most profound thing I have learned is this ...

... it's terribly terribly easy to get so focussed on what you don't have you can completely lose sight of the wonderful things you do have. Life evolves, marriages evolve, life within marriage evolves, what we have and don't have evolves. Nothing is perfect and nothing stays the same, compromise is a vital component of a good married life.

ailuro2

Could you work in a city and still stay somewhere rural that's near a railway station? Most commutes here in Scotland take less than 30 minutes on a train, and money in the cities is better, £30 is pretty feasible.

If your wife doesn't want to move away from her commitments then perhaps you will have to wait a while until the commitments are no longer there, you should of course tell your wife how much you miss city life,

What does earning £30k have to do with moving? Is that the money you'd need to love in a city, or is that the price she puts on giving up her rural idyll?

lynzpower

ScaredAndConfused wrote: »

Both RachieB and lynzpower raise (as everyone else has) some very valid points.

I have broached the subject of relocating a lot of times, but it's just something my wife doesn't want to consider being too far away from 'home' for. She has a lot of commitments to other things outside of our little family, which means she can't realistically do that.

When I was in the South, my landlord (and I know this sounds a bit soft, but he was more like my best friend) was in the process of buying another home for him and his pregnant wife - basically they lived in a three bedroomed flat, and I rented a room, and lived with them (I know I go on tangents, but the times down there were the happiest I've had! ) anways - digressing. They were looking to buy a family home with a little one of their own on the way.

He said I could have the flat (paying rent obviously!) but it was a great flat in a very nice area of Essex (not quite chigwell territory, but close enough!) I explained this to my wife, told her how I knew the plan was for me to stay in london for a year, then return, but it had worked out better for me than I thought it would, and wanted her to join me. We had our home up here, and that could have been rented out to cover the mortgage payments at least, but she wouldn't do that, unless I was on £30k a year - that was my first stab at getting her to relocate.

We are looking to move to a bigger home (we have a 2 bedroom house that we've started to outgrow) to a larger market town nearby. Last night she asked if that was enough for me, if I was happy with that plan, and if not, now was the time to say. The thing is - until you are somewhere, you don't know if it's going to 'be for you' or not really do you? Things are never easy, that's the only certainty in life!

If I could move us all down to where I was in the south, I'd go like a shot, I really would, but then you're looking at spending upward of £250k if I wanted to live in a 'decent' area, which we just couldn't afford to do. I'd look to move to either Newcastle, or Edinburgh - but then maybe I'm just thinking 'it would be better there' when, no matter where you move to, the same problems could still remain.

I am applying for other jobs with better prospects for myself, but because we live in a small rural location, and the nature of my work means that it's not going to be somewhere 'local' and really, I need to focus on looking for employment in one of these two locations.

Do I resent her for not coming down South with me? If I'm being honest, yes I do at times. Do I resent my son for being the reason I came back here? Not at all, he's absolutely fantastic - at the moment my main input on his life seems to be winding him up and making him laugh! but it's what I live for!]

Do I know for absolute certainty what's going to happen in the future? not at all! But when you go through a situation like this, you can I suppose, sometimes think it's only happening to you, and that if you DO leave (which I don't think I'm going to do) then you're going to let everyone else down, what would my parents think of me etc. etc.?

arggh!!! Long winded post over for now - and back to work, sadly! Thanks everyone

I wanted to quickly pop in ( in between the tuble drying ) to see how you were going.

I know the area you mean ( I live in Upper Leytonstone- right opposite the forest ) and I know what you mean about the area being perfect. You are close enough into London to have everything here on your doorstep, the nightlife, the cinema, theatres, festivals, diversity, resturaunts, liveliness I never thought we could be in position to look at having kids in london, till I moved out this way, and I think its perfect . So Im very biased LOL.

Had she ever been down here? or was this "your little world" that she had no part of. Im from the northwest and the impression people oooop north have of my living in london is that Im SOOOOO cosmopolitan, its so busy, overwhelming dirty, horrible place. I cant really explain it very well, but "london" for many of my freinds & family is something strange "you think you are above us now you live in london" has been said to me so many times over the years ( ) and because they donrt live here, they dont "get it" they dont WANT to be here, but they are strangely - I dont know jealous? envious? but at the same time scared? Possibly I dont know. We invite people all the time, our doors always open, people dont come because "theyd get lost on the tube" or "its full of beggars" Strange reactions really. I dont know what im on about here either,- im rambling now as well

I know its hard for you to say to us, but what are these committments? Is she caring for relatives or something like that? A job? Community work? only you can say are these legitimate? or are these reasons a barrier to hide behind? Eg I couldnt possibly come to london for 6 months because I have to do the church flowers to me is lame- and an excuse. Either she doesnt want to be with you, or london, or moving away spells fear.

The other point that struck it for me is needing a career for yourself to get those better prospects? What im not clear on ( are you?) is why youd need to be earning 30k. TBH, i dont know what you do, but 30k isnt that difficult to get here in london, I know administrators on that. are you saying if you got a salary of 30k she would be happy to move? or is it a hoop to leap through? By all means get the better jobs, to keep you in a good life, to look towards having a career that is fulfilling and interesting and gives you purpose and proactivity in life.

TBH the bit about moving to the market town sounds like a red herring to me- in that if youd wante to move there you would have suggested it, or snapped her hand off.

I agree with another person who suggests renting. We reent a 2 bed house here in Leytonstone for 753 a month, and its a perfect little family house etc. buying something for 250 would be tough around here, but not impossible.
If it WERE possible, and you DID get that 30k job - would she move down here?

xxx

Psykicpup

It seems to me, and I may be wrong, but I feel that your wife is slow to commit to a move in some ways because you have become 'comfortable' with each other - I also read between the lines that there is something else too keeping her 'home' (career/family)
I think that maybe she is having doubts - you mentioned she wanted more attention too.....
so ...starting tonight or 1st thing in the morning.....say something like 'morning gorgeous' (remember how you liked that from that girl) & give her a hug or kiss - for no reason! other than you love her if she askes (i can tell you do)
then build in more little ccomments (hubby warns me not to bend over lol)
GET A BABYSITTER preferably overnight if possible -weekend better! Romance her - text her from work telling her you know she's married but could she get away for a few hours to see her lover - ok so that might be over the top - I'm fantasizing lol - really just spend time flirting with her - YES flirting!

This advise is based on my own experience - I was very bored/unloved & thought as hubby no longer was interested, we might as well splitt... he suddenly came over all flirty again (after yrs, youngest is 19) & couldnt wait to get me to bed!!!! I never asked what sparked it but I dont care ! I now KNOW he loves me/fancies me ........& I love him all the more for it!

JULIE

would it not help to show her this thread...it may be easier for her to read it rather than the "big discussion"

ScaredAndConfused

Morning -again! So many more replies! and when you start a 'quick reply' (which mine never seem to be) you never quite know where to start, do you? And on a side, does anybody, when posting stuff that's personal about them, get scared that someone you know, will read it, and recognise you?

Anyway - in no particular order! Moving down to the south was a massive move for both of us, and the flat that I moved into, was all down to them being a friend of someone else I do work for (I work in the IT Support industry), she got all excited that I was coming down, and really looked out for me like a big sister - got me lined up somewhere to live, introduced me to her friends - made me feel really welcome.

The same thing happened with my landlord/landlady - my friend who I stayed with at the weekend has always said that I land on my feet, and he's right, I really do - my landlord and landlady are two of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, we all just clicked straight away and they became like an extra family to me.

They could see instantly how much happier I was, my whole persona had changed in some ways, and when I came back here at the weekends, others could see this too. They did loads to help get me comfortable in the area (Woodford), introduced me to their friends - it was sooo unreal. It was a different world to me, my landlord is a gaming manager at a really big casino in Mayfair, and one day through work, I had to be in the City office that afternoon, he gave me a bell and invited me to the Casino toward the end of his shift, so he could show me around and share a drink.

So here's me, Mr 'What you see is what you get' surrounded by all this glamour - go to reception at the casino and ask for my landlord 'ah yes, he's waiting for you in the bar, would you like to follow me?' and, my landlord is so down to earth, it's unreal - he's sitting with Bruce Willis and shouts over 'There's my number 1 lodger, how are you doing son?' gives us a hug and says to Bruce Willis, 'I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine' - and I'm stood there thinking 'this is unreal, this is unreal, this just doesn't happen to you'

So I guess what i'm saying is, yeah -the big glamour, the hustle and bustle, the excitment - it can blind you so easily. My landlord and landlady though did all they could to make my wife feel welcome - when she'd fly down I'd normally get the tube, then the train to Stanstead - but my landlord wouldn't hear of it, and put me on the insurance for his car, so I could go and get her, drive her back to the flat and have some time on our own - which she loved too.

I realise I'm going on loads here! Anyway - my supervisor at work, he was roughly my age, and we just hit it off too - got on really well - I was the only northerner in the office, and was always a target for mickey-taking, but I didn't mind the banter. He'd ask me what was going on, why couldn't my wife come down here.

I know this sounds really stupid, not saying what the reason is, there's no other children or anything like that. It's something that has been part of her life, all of her life, and she's worked hard to acheive where she is, with it - which I completely admire, and have total respect for. It's something that will always be a part of her life, and I knew that when we got together, it's just that over the past year or so, it has become bigger and more involving for her. I bet you're sat reading this thinking 'what on earth is he on about?!' and I don't blame you.

The way I look at things,if there's something in someones life that makes them so happy, and means so much to them, if you love that person, have you got any right to take that away from them?

The money issue, I don't know where that figure came from, my landlady who I'd talk to about the whole situation thought herself that it was a way to make it harder to get her down in the south with me. Thing with me is, I AM good with people (it helps in my job) but I do have some hang-up/lack of confidence in my own abilities I suppose, and just couldn't look at myself as being someone that could earn that sort of money.

We had a lot of long talks, and to be honest, nothing was really resolved, though I was more inclined to think of staying down that way. My wife and some friends of ours (the one I saw at the weekend and his girlfriend) came down for New Years Eve, my friends met my landlord and landlady, couldn't beleive how nice they were, how pleasant an area I lived in etc. etc. and they thought my wife might join me after all. Through the nature of her work, she had contacts in the south who could have sorted her a decent job too.

However, in the new year we found out that the little fella was on the way, and so my obvious decision was to come home, we my wifes family here, a nice home in a quiet village, and it's a good, safe location to raise a child. The way I look at things though, there's advantages and disadvantages of raising a child in a town or city, or in a small village like where we live.

I came home, and started back in the office I left here for, to go to the South originally. To go from a larger, bustling office, where i was constantly busy and feeling like I was 'making a difference', to come back to a very quiet, sleepy little office has been hard for me, I can't pretend otherwise.

It came to a time though when i thought 'right, this can't go on mate' and i've been applying for other jobs quite a lot of late - I had an interview recently for a position in Edinburgh, which sadly didn't come off for me, but it gave me the confidence to think 'if one company want to interview you, you must be doing right!' So i've kept trying. Where we live is roughly equidistant from Newcastle and Edinburgh, so they are (in my mind) the two most likely locatons where I'm going to find employment, for the skills I have.

I did apply for a job yesterday afternoon that sounds right up my street, although it's based in Newcastle/North East, it also involves work in South East Scotland/Lothians - so location wise, sounds ideal! The money is the same as I'm on now, roughly, but I'll be honest, if I had to take a pay-cut, I would do, if the longer term benefits were there for me, which I think they would be. I had a call from the agency yesterday evening, and i'm calling them back at lunchtime today to see if I might get put forward for an interview.

I think the problem with me is, I've got a lot of things going on in my life (pretty much all of which I've told you all about!) that I'm not happy about, work, home - but they are things I should try and fix. I owe it to my wife and child!

Hmm, this has taken about half an hour to write, all because people keep calling me at work for IT Support!

Do I win a prize for longest, probably most incoherent rambly posting patterns?