Advice needed - don't know what to do about marriage anymore

Justie

ScaredAndConfused wrote: »

One thing that really shocked me at the weekend was my friend telling me that marriage is all about compromise, but to everyone else, it's always seemed that I've done the compromising all on my own, I had felt that way, but it took to hear it from someone else to make it 'real' if that makes any sense?

You will feel that especially if you've not been communicating but your OH may feel that she too has made many compromises...

all marriages and long term relationships go through ups and downs, it's hard work to make relationships work long term and you're not the first, not will you be the last to be going through a time like this.

The key is not to blame each other but to talk and listen - also don't pre-empt. If things are as bad as you feel they are then hearing how each of you feel and where you want to go from here are better than the feeling of 'there's something wrong it's all over'.

ScaredAndConfused

You're right enough Justie - life is all about compromise, and making decisions, and I'd be naive not to think that your going to have ups and downs in a marriage. I suppose in some ways things haven't been right for a long time, and it's starting to come to a head - part of the reason I went to the south for work, was to be somewhere that was more 'me'.

You're all only getting my side of things, and how I feel - if it were my wife, she'd have faults on my side that have made things come to this point as well, talking is key - you're right, and I do appreciate all you have said. I need to be honest, but I don't want to hurt anyone either - I don't want to be able to say 'would we still be together if we didn't have the little 'un' or 'it's just not working anymore is it?'

I'll see what comes of tonight, someone earlier said (along the lines of) 'you don't want to just give up without trying' and they are completely correct on that one. Thanks for all your kind thoughts.

ailuro2

Can you move somewhere that's quite small but still has access to lively-

Here in Scotland the central belt has lots of places that are great for bringing up kids, but are only a train or bus journey away from city life. Is there anywhere that could tick most of each of your boxes?

I do agree you are not happy- but neither is your wife.
Getting someone else to try and make you both happy is not the easy option,beside I suspect you know you both owe it to your ds to try a bit longer/harder.Is the little one old enough for you to have a babysitter for the weekend? Treat her to a night in a luxury hotel with a a spa-you can both have a relaxaing massage, treat her to a nice dinner then a night of unbroken sleep. Plenty time for a cuddle in the morning when she's refreshed;) Buy her a nice nightdress- silk, but nothing that has a cheesewire/thong attached.

If your ds is younger than one year then I'd do nothing drastic right now about this sitution- it will get easier, and your wife will feel more like your lover and less like a deflated milk/laundry machine (that's the way I felt- it was the longest I'd been off work since leaving school and a huge shock to the system!) If the psark was there in the first place, then I hope you can rekindle the flames- Listening and talking without accusing is always a good start.
Good Luck to all three of you.

Errata

HTH - You're both graduates which indicates you're both intelligent. Finding ways to communicate with each other shouldn't be beyond the reach of either of you, if you're both motivated. Try concentrating on feelings: what your feelings are about a particular aspect of the situation you are both in and what her feelings are. It's feelings that give us problems, not difficult situations. If the pair of you need some help to start communicating meaningfully, use Relate or a counsellor. Your OH deserves your complete honesty as you deserve hers, so agree that sorting things out is going to be painful and both of you will experience some hurt during the process.
No-one will be helped if you have a p1ssing contest with each other over which one of you is fancied most and by whom.
You say you adore your child and don't want it hurt. I'd like to suggest you read some of the threads about custody, visitation and parents using their kids to point score over each other when they separate/divorce, and imagine your child in that situation. Is that what you want for it?

consultant31

What a very sad story!

I really hope that you can work this out - the alternative is another broken marriage with another bewildered child in the middle.

I would suggest leaving the little one with the grandparents and you and your wife going away for a 'naughty' weekend to get back some of the magic which has recently been misplaced.

Look back to what brought you together in the first place - what did you love about her (and she about you). Are those things still there or have you changed (not the situation, but you as individuals)?

As everyone has already said, the grass is rarely greener over the fence - this other woman is new and unencumbered with the minutiae of everyday family life....she also hasn't got a husband at home who seems to have fallen out of love with her (sorry, not trying to be offensive, just want you to see it from another angle).

Do have some time alone together out of the family home - take time to rediscover the love you have for each other. Marriages have to be worked at (as does everything worth having). Hopefully you'll be celebrating your silver wedding one day and thanking God you worked it out.

Good luck!

arushofblood

looneyleo wrote: »

I would be very careful before you go down the route of splitting up - it is catastorphic for all those concerned, especially children

I must first apologise for not reading this entire thread ( I need to dash of ) but this comment really stuck out.

Although I hope the OP and anyone else in this situation works things out the way they want things to be, I really think that this comment is unfair.

After years of feeling miserable in my marraige, I threw in the towel two years ago. Yes, my ex was devasted, yes my children ( aged 9 and 11 ) were shocked, upset and confused but the effect my decision had on them was in no way catastrophic.

I am the happiest I've been in a very long time. My kids are very happy and settled too because of the way I now am. The three of us have far less money to spend, we live in a much smaller house, we don't have foreign holidays anymore but we actually do far more together and the house is a far happier one.

No doubt they would love a father figure to be around ( not that the ex was ! ) but they now understand why I couldn't go on being unhappy and had to move on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... sometimes, as much as we try to 'work' on a marraige sometimes it's just not going to work. This should be accepted, without guilt or feelings of failure or wories of any catastrophic effect ! It's a tough decision to make, and yes I agree it shouldn't be taken lightly, but it is an option and could well be the correct one for all concerned.

I hope all works out for you and your family OP.

arushofblood

Just another quickie !

OP, it's easier said than done ( I've been there too ) but don't get involved with anyone whilst your deciding what to do with your marraige. You are bound to be swept along by someone else who 'understands' what you are going through and has offered you a little of what you are after ( and I don't mean anything sexual ).

Find yourself first ! I've done this the past year and I'm loving it ( or should I say myself ) I don't need another partner at the moment for *anything*

MortgageMamma

You sound like a lovely man and you obviously care deeply for your wife and you are responsible parent by the sounds of it. Ignore the other woman, when we are feeling neglected and need some phyiscal affection its natural that we look elsewhere but you dont need the complication. I've just watched a close friends relationship go down the pan because of a brief fling and it was painful for me so I can't imagine how bad it was for them.

I have had a similar experience in my marriage and managed to work it out. The thing that brought us together was moving home, and me finding my own identity and an interesting job when we relocated. I learned to communicate with my sensitive moody husband without hurting his feelings (I am way to forthright at times)

I know what you mean about affection, everyone needs to be made feel valued and needs to be shown consideration and affection. It works both ways. Sometimes my husbands isnt affectionate to me or does not reciprocate when I am affectionate towards him. I also have a much much higher energy/sex drive which used to cause problems but we have sorted that.

I think the key to geting your wife to relocate with you and have a life of her own is to make her happy now. If I was you I would get up this morning and tell yourself "today is my first day of putting things right". Go to work and send her a sexy text at lunchtime, telling her her !!!! looked nice this morning or something. Go home tonight with a bunch of flowers and a nice bottle of wine. Do things differently in bed. Get to know her again and make her realise what a good guy you really are.

I'm confident for you that you can sort this - don't hold back, give her everything you can and I bet you are pleasantly suprised at her response.

Best of luck

MM x

ScaredAndConfused

Hello all!

Well someone must have been sending us a sign last night, not long after I put the little fella to bed, our entire village had a power cut! So it didn't give us any excuse NOT to talk to each other. I also had my friend that I stayed with call me too saying 'drop me an email about the weekend and we'll sort things through' - he's a real good friend actually, and has been through a break-up himself recently, and can see where i'm coming from.

Anyway - I digress! To begin with, my wife asked 'what's wrong?' which I thought was a bit odd, but the only thing that's been on my mind, unsuprisingly, is the conversation from the previous day, events of the weekend and everything that's came to a head.

I need to echo what everyone else has said to me on this thread though, whilst I really do think this other girl is lovely, and I do care about her, I'm not stupid and part of me knows that it mightn't just be her, but because it's 'someone' if that makes sense? As I've said before, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, or stuff up anyone's lives - first and foremost that of my wife and child, but I don't want to make this other girls life complicated either, and have her as 'the other woman' or a 'marriage wrecker', because I don't think anyone should have that on their shoulders.

We cuddled up and talked things through, told her how i miss having some time to just ourselves, for us - although I know that when it comes to our little lad, we have to put him first and foremost, although I'm sure we could get a babysitter no problems at all.

I need to work on other aspects of my life to make me happier too obvioulsy - a move to a bigger location would help, and hopefully that would introduce a new circle of friends for me, and once our little one starts going to nursery and things then that would be a good way to make new friends too I think.

The easy, well, maybe not easy - because it wouldn't be, option would be to just quit and walk away, but I don't think i could ever do that and I owe it to my son to make the best of everything - he wasn't planned, and didn't ask to be put in such a situation, and I'd never do anything to let him down.

If i don't try to put it right, then I'd never know would I? I do miss the life I had in the south, but you can't live in the past and I need to stop doing so. It's not the right answer, but it's the honest answer here - I don't know what the future will bring for us all, does anyone though? Not really eh?

I emailed the girl I bumped into on Saturday, yesterday before posting on here just saying along the lines of 'pretty mad weekened, but it was really nice to finally meet you' which it was! I had a reply back along the lines of 'hope you can sort things out at home, it was nice to meet you too, speak soon' (which to be honest, I'm not expecting to, and it's probably for the best if we don't)

When speaking to her flatmate though she gave a lot of good advice too, saying that I seemed like a decent bloke (yeah, because all the good ones look at other women eh!) who needed to try and fix things at home, and that I could only ever be a friend to this girl - which I wouldn't have a problem with, but wouldn't be very healthy, and not very honest of me either with regard to my wife.

I'm rambling on again! Sorry! Thanks for everyones help though, I do really really appreciate it, and you've all helped me look at things from lots of different angles!

looneyleo

arushofblood wrote: »

I must first apologise for not reading this entire thread ( I need to dash of ) but this comment really stuck out.

Although I hope the OP and anyone else in this situation works things out the way they want things to be, I really think that this comment is unfair.
Apologies if this offended. It wasn't meant that way at all. The term catasthrophic was probably a little strong. However, having recently been very close to two families who have split up, the break up for the children was awful and for such a long time afterwards too. But you are right, sometimes it is the right and best decision for all to take in the long term. I was trying to state that the decision should be taken with a great deal of thought. Apologies again