Advice needed - don't know what to do about marriage anymore

MortgageMamma

I think scaredandconfused is starting to acknowledge his heart stands well and truly in the wife camp and good on him too. its nice to read things from a mans perspective and acknowledge that they too suffer from frustration and disillusionment when things arent as good as they could be.

Don't forget the flowers OP ;-)

MM

snowmaid

This is classic of a relationship where a child comes along and suddenly the 'adult' relationship is put aside while the mother deals with dirty nappies, puke, snotty noses etc!:rolleyes: The last thing on her mind is her husband, who is also her lover and hopefully her friend.

However, this is when the guy should show understanding and get in there with the puke, dirty nappies and snotty noses to lighten the load a little so that the wifey isn't too tired to give attention to the husband. Lots of marriages fail at this stage because the couple doesn't realise the demands a child makes on a relationship.

Its always the same problems cropping up:

1. She pays more attention to the baby
2. She isn't as exciting between the sheets
3. She is always tired.
4. She isn't fun anymore
5. She never wants to go anywhere
6. She hasn't shaved her legs in 3 weeks
7. He doesn't cuddle me anymore
8. He is always out at the pub and leaves me with the baby
9. He doesn't joke with me.
10. He doesn't understand what I am going through.
11. If only he would take baby for the morning and give me a chance to buy some wax for my legs or to have a facial.
12. He doesn't find me attractive

Sound familiar?

But no matter what relationship you go into, there is always a chance of it becoming boring, except maybe the 2nd or 3rd time you finally learn that if you deal with it, things can work out, but in the meantime, you have thrown away a perfectly good 1st marriage because noone tried to sort it out or make things easier for both.

So, if its about attention, cuddle up, get a babysitter and go away for a night etc etc. Don't throw it away because there is an 'exciting piece' showing interest. Your wife was also an 'excisting piece', enough so for you to want to marry her. She needs to be given time to find her 'sexy' self again. I am sure she wants that person back!

ScaredAndConfused

Whilst I might be at work all day, I'll get up with our son in the morning, change him and give him his first bottle of milk, then make some toast for myself and share little bits with him.

When I get home from work, I'll play with him, feed him his evening meal, put him into his sleepsuit for bedtime, and put him to bed - I'll do all the cooking/dishes at home too, so, I don't want people thinking that I just take things for granted, and not do my fair share. He's my son, and he's my responsibility too, so I should do those things.

The last time i was out at the pub and left my wife at home with our son was this weekend, the last time i had a night out before then, was my leaving do when I left the south, about 15 months ago (although in light of the weekend, perhaps it's best i don't go out again!)

Thanks for everyones kind words of advice though, they've helped me focus on what's important, and what needs doing

snowmaid

ScaredAndConfused wrote: »

Whilst I might be at work all day, I'll get up with our son in the morning, change him and give him his first bottle of milk, then make some toast for myself and share little bits with him.

When I get home from work, I'll play with him, feed him his evening meal, put him into his sleepsuit for bedtime, and put him to bed - I'll do all the cooking/dishes at home too, so, I don't want people thinking that I just take things for granted, and not do my fair share. He's my son, and he's my responsibility too, so I should do those things.

The last time i was out at the pub and left my wife at home with our son was this weekend, the last time i had a night out before then, was my leaving do when I left the south, about 15 months ago (although in light of the weekend, perhaps it's best i don't go out again!)

Thanks for everyones kind words of advice though, they've helped me focus on what's important, and what needs doing

Oh dear! I posted to everyone in general! Wasn't suggesting that you do that at all! Sorry about that!

You sound wonderful! Do you and your wife ever have 'alone' time? When do you go to the movies, a restaurant or a romantic picnic if funds are limited? To go out by oneself can lead to temptation, I know and speak for myself.

It was very scary how easy it could be and how quickly one could ruin a good relationship.

Seems as if you just need to make time for yourselves and find that spark again

arushofblood

looneyleo wrote: »

arushofblood wrote: »

I must first apologise for not reading this entire thread ( I need to dash of ) but this comment really stuck out.

arushofblood wrote: »

Although I hope the OP and anyone else in this situation works things out the way they want things to be, I really think that this comment is unfair.
Apologies if this offended. It wasn't meant that way at all. The term catasthrophic was probably a little strong. However, having recently been very close to two families who have split up, the break up for the children was awful and for such a long time afterwards too. But you are right, sometimes it is the right and best decision for all to take in the long term. I was trying to state that the decision should be taken with a great deal of thought. Apologies again

No worries looneyleo, thanks for your reply

There's lots of factors that will determine the outcome for everyone. I think the kids probably coped with it the best really, maybe they were at a more suitable age ? Old enough to kinda understand and not be scared ? Young enough to avoid all the teenage factors which wouldn't have helped. After a couple of days my DS couldn't wait to get to school and tell his friends with lone parents that he could now join their club !! The ex was devastated as it was me that threw in the towel, and I guess I was devastated at the time because I didn't enter a marraige and have kids wanting it to not work !

There wasn't 'another person' involved to confuse issues. Financially, although there's a lot less money in the pop, we do ok and although I've moved from a 3 bed detached on an estate to a 3 bed terrace town house. It's a far nicer house and garden. And for the first time in 14 years, my home feels like a home !

As much as the kids are happy, I will always carry the guilt of being the 'selfish one' that took them away from their father, their first home and a lot more spending money !

It's a very scary decision to make and doesn't come easily. I had to wait a long time until I could financially afford to make the move. Again, perhaps the situation would have been more devastating for the kids if I hadn't ?

For me though, although I'm sad that it came to this, it's something I've never once regretted in the two years that I've been seperated. I appreciate that all relationships are different though, but some maybe aren't worth trying to save ? No, it shouldn't be taken likely, but people shouldn't feel selfish or failures if they are so desperately unhappy that they need to walk from a relationship... even if children are involved ( IMO )

snowmaid

ScaredAndConfused wrote: »

Whilst I might be at work all day, I'll get up with our son in the morning, change him and give him his first bottle of milk, then make some toast for myself and share little bits with him.

When I get home from work, I'll play with him, feed him his evening meal, put him into his sleepsuit for bedtime, and put him to bed - I'll do all the cooking/dishes at home too, so, I don't want people thinking that I just take things for granted, and not do my fair share. He's my son, and he's my responsibility too, so I should do those things.

The last time i was out at the pub and left my wife at home with our son was this weekend, the last time i had a night out before then, was my leaving do when I left the south, about 15 months ago (although in light of the weekend, perhaps it's best i don't go out again!)

Thanks for everyones kind words of advice though, they've helped me focus on what's important, and what needs doing

Oh dear! I posted to everyone in general! Wasn't suggesting that you do that at all! Sorry about that!

You sound wonderful! Do you and your wife ever have 'alone' time? When do you go to the movies, a restaurant or a romantic picnic if funds are limited? To go out by oneself can lead to temptation, I know and speak for myself.

It was very scary how easy it could be and how quickly one could ruin a good relationship.

Seems as if you just need to make time for yourselves and find that spark again

ScaredAndConfused

snowmaid wrote: »

Oh dear! I posted to everyone in general! Wasn't suggesting that you do that at all! Sorry about that!

You sound wonderful! Do you and your wife ever have 'alone' time? When do you go to the movies, a restaurant or a romantic picnic if funds are limited? To go out by oneself can lead to temptation, I know and speak for myself.

It was very scary how easy it could be and how quickly one could ruin a good relationship.

Seems as if you just need to make time for yourselves and find that spark again

The thing is, we have got into a 'bad' routine of an evening. I'll get home and my son gets fed pretty much as soon as I get in, that gives me maybe 45 minutes/ 1 hour before it's time for his bed, as he tends to go to bed between 7:00 and 7:30, until roughly 7 the next morning when I get woken up to him saying 'dadadadadadadadad' from his room, which - although it takes me 5 minutes or so to 'wake up' myself, does always make me smile - you'll get silence and think 'he's fell asleep again, then you hear it 'dadadadad' - sorry, off on a tangent again!

So from 7:00 till bedtime, the night is our own really, but we'll fall into a routine of having our evening meal, watching TV, then going to bed ourselves, I don't know - maybe that IS what everyone else does when they have children, you can't just head off out at the drop of a hat or anything!

I want to make things better, I really really do mean that, I just don't want it to be back to this situation 6 months/1 year from now and think 'you should have done something about it then'. My landlord gave me some good advice when I was thinking about staying down south previous to our son coming along - 'lifes all about decisions, you can't 'not' make them, you just have to do what you feel is right at the time'

Which is true - but as we all know, you never really do 'know' I guess! When we do have some time together on our own, it's great, it feels like we're just dating again for the first time, in some ways - I think it's too easy to get that 'spark' from someone else, that 'newness' and 'excitement' from someone else showing an interest and making more of it.

The problem with me is, I'm a really emotional person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve too much (loads of people have told me that before) which doesn't always help !

Mizz_Pink

Can you and your wife arrange with a family member to babysit the little one , say once or twice a month so you can go out just the 2 of you ? Its so easy to get stuck in rut isnt it ? It will be easier i'm sure when he starts nursery and you make more friends.

I hope it works out for both.

Rachie_B

Have you broached the subject again, of relocating ??

Now would be the time to do it when your son is young and not yet in school etc

maybe compromise, rent a place for a while see if she / you all like it ???

lynzpower

one suggestion from me, is ( and I speak from experience ) when you come home TURN THE TELLY OFF!

Put some music on and talk. Dig out some old records together or talk through your days and listen.

Most days in our house ( no kids)m are the same, I get in from work, take the washing out of the machine then into the dryer. Start prepping dinner then do the washing up, quick run round tidying up, then take dog out, come back take drying out bomb upstairs put dry washing away. OH gets home, ( about 8.15 ) eat, talk flop in front of telly despite living in london, hub of activilty, we are restricted by finace and also dog duties, we cant just go out straight from work as doggie gets well distrssed beign left for this amounnt of time.

Saying that, are we happy with this? No were not. But we know this is a product of 1) hours worked 2) money as usual . We have written in a couple fo holidays for later in the year=- do you ever get to go away either together as a couple or as a family?

We try to plan in something free -be it a free festival, long dog walks ,watching films, cheapie trip to cinema and out for a drink, freinds round and so on.

The more fun we have together, doing stuff the more we enjoy each others company. the more we deal with the drudgery of life the more we resent our limited horizons- and each other.