Advice needed - don't know what to do about marriage anymore

ScaredAndConfused

hi, I best warn you, this is very very VERY long !

I'm not even sure where to start on this one, I guess I'm just looking for some advice/opinions really, even though I know the buck has to stop with me, and the only person who can fix this, is me.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now, and have been together for 11 years, we have a little baby together - who is the greatest thing in the world to me, he really is.

The problem is, we're having troubles in our marriage and I just feel like we're growing apart, and I really don't know what to do about it. Like I say, we've been together a long time, and met at University. When we both graduated we wanted to be with each other, and both looked in our respective towns for employment - my wife got herself a job first and it was close to her parents home. I come from quite a large town, and have always enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the big city, whereas she's from a quiet rural area, but - I wanted to be with her, and so headed to be with her, and went about finding a job here too.

Everything was going fine, but over time we (or I if I'm being honest) have become more and more unhappy, and miss being somewhere with more 'life' to it. I've explained this to my wife before, and we are looking to move, but not to anywhere on the scale of what would make me happier.

With my work, I had the opportunity to get a move down to the south and it was a good opportunity - much more money and it would help my experience for work no end. I moved down south, but came back every weekend/every other weekend, and my wife would visit me but not as often. All in all I stayed south for about 18 months - as, to be honest, it had worked out better for me than I imagined, I made lots of friends (which I don't have where I am) I enjoyed work more and I had a social life too (which I don't really have up here, again through the lack of friends in our very small community).

I tried to persuade my wife to move to the south with me, but the only way she would consider it, is if I was earning at least £30k a year, which wasn't likely to happen anytime soon! I talked a lot to my landlady and landlord about everything too, as they knew how happy I was down that way, and how much i wanted my wife to come down and live with me in the south, to at least give it a try as a new life for us both.

That wasn't going to happen though, and it did look like we'd split up at this point, something I never thought I'd consider. However, I then found out that we were having our child, and so came back here where I am now.

The problem is, is that being away changed me a lot as a person, and I'm just not happy anymore - I love my wife, but (and it's really hard saying this) maybe not in the same way I used to - sometimes I think 'if we didn't have our child, would we still be together?'

So that's that part - now comes the even worse part. All the time I was away, I never cheated, never looked at anyone else (my wife is the only girlfriend I've ever had!)but things at home were distant and I just don't feel like I'm 'special' - which probably isn't a normal thing for a man to say! But in my job, I speak to a lot of different people (I don't want to go into my life too much in case anyone recognises me) and I build up a good working relationship with them, and one person in particular I built up a good personal relationship with too.

I needed time away, just to talk about how things are at the moment, with my best friend, so went to see him at the weekend, and had a night out on the town - now, talk about coincedences, this girl that I used to do work for was out as well, and I bumped into her and her friends in a bar, and we all ended up going around a lot of different bars/clubs. I know that she does like me, and this is what is tearing me up - I really like her as well, it's stupid, but she does make me feel like i'm special, even just stupid little things like calling me 'babe' and 'darling' - which my wife never does. This girl knows that I'm married though, and has made it clear that, if things were different, then we might have tried dating - but nothing is ever going to happen. I just don't know that, if something *had* happened, would I have done anything to stop it? I don't think I would have done, which doesn't say a lot about me.

That's not the overall problem though, the overall problem is that i'm just not happy at home (if i was, i wouldn't have feelings for someone else, would I?) but by the same token, I really don't want to do anything that would hurt my child - he's all that matters to me.

Both my friend that I went to stay with, and this girl said that I have to talk to my wife, explain how I'm feeling about things. I tried to do this last night, but I find it hard to talk to her about this (yet I can post on the internet!) it just made things awful at home. It's made her look at things, and she's agreed with a lot of what i've said - that we're not close, that being away has changed me, and that I shouldn't stay at home just because we have a child.

I really don't know what to do, she's told me that she'd never have considered having an affair in the past, but now she doesn't know - she's organised a night out with friends from her work, and made sure I knew that she's asked someone at her work who has tried to hit on her in the past. I always beleive that things happen in life for a reason, and I just wish I knew what was going to happen next. She starts back at work soon, and has told me she's looking forward to getting attention, because she doesn't get it from me. She deserves better than the way I make her feel, I know that much.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? I don't even know what I hope to acheive with this post, I just wanted to talk I guess, but the one person I need to talk to, I can't. If you've managed to read this far - thanks.

poe.tuesday

to start with stop with the games, both of you - this talk of affairs and all that - these are not the issue

you need to sit down with your wife and ask her what she wants from the marrage, you tehn need to tell her what you want, it does seem to me, however, that she wants it all and is not willing to even try something that you want eg moving away etc

It about meeting a middle ground, surely there is a compromise you could both agree to, that would suit her and yourneeds? If the answer is no, then either both of one of you is not willing to save the marriage, if this is the case then maybe you do need to move on - but don't do this because of the other woman - you need to leave your wife and child for the right reasons and not because a better option has come along, leave her because you don't love her, not because you think you may love someone else, make the break and make it clean, then and one when you have sorted out your life should you be in the clear mind and possition to look for another partner

as for talking to this other woman about your life with your wife, I don't know if this is a good thing, it's private and given that you both have feelings for each other her views/suggestions may not be those of a un-bias person

redruby

That is such a sad story, you are obvioulsy very unhappy, you have GOT to sit down and talk to your wife, she is probably feeling very unloved and confused at the moment, I know its hard, but its better to be honest with her. I think the thing with her going out with her work mates is simply to get back at you, its a cry for help, don't let you both down.

Good luck
x

looneyleo

Oh dear Mr! A bit of a pickle you find yourself in! This is so difficult. It seems that a lot has changed in your life in the last few years. Moving house, a new job, renting new accomodation away from home and a baby. There is bound to be some emotional unbalance in the relationship after al of that. One thing I would be sure of is that you shouldn't rush into making any decision right now. I would argue most couples go through massive change in their relationship when a new baby comes along and it takes a long time to get back onto an even keel. My eldest is 4 and my relationship with hubby isn't anywhere near to returning to those early years of University times! But that's not to say you don't love each other. Marriage is hard work at times and you do need to work at it and I would be very careful before you go down the route of splitting up - it is catastorphic for all those concerned, especially children-and things will never be the same again. Is there any way that you and your wife could go away for a few days to really be together and have time to properly talk this through. Maybe you could make an attempt at making each other feel special and wanted and see if there is any chemistry still between you? At this stage I would try to ignore feelings towards others you may be attracted to...your feelings are confused, and the grass is always greener in those types of situations.

This is going to take some work and compromise from everybody to see through. Good luck and I wish you well.

belfastgirl23

The debate over where to live has to be one of the worst ones a couple can have from what I've seen. I'm watching some friends going through something similar at the minute and it's horrible.

I think it would be terrible to give up on each other now when it sounds like neither of you are sure that this is the right thing. At least you're at a stage where you both can see that there are problems. Would some relationship counselling help? It would at least move you on from where you are now, which is very dangerous ground.

You sound like a nice man who wants to do his best by his family. I think you'd never forgive yourself if you didn't try to find a way through this muddle for everyone's sake. It might not work but you owe it to all of you to try.

Good luck.

lynzpower

Hello there mate,

I can feel your pain through here, I really do feel for you.

one thing that really struck me about what youve written is this:

QUOTE] I really like her as well, it's stupid, but she does make me feel like i'm special, even just stupid little things like calling me 'babe' and 'darling' - which my wife never does.

[/QUOTE]

She starts back at work soon, and has told me she's looking forward to getting attention, because she doesn't get it from me. She deserves better than the way I make her feel, I know that much.

Somewhere in all this stuff thats been going on, you have forgotten that you are meant to be in love with each other? Whty dont you give attention to her, and her not with you? Do you know, have you asked yourselves this adn to each other? this is findamental.



Is there resentment there? Is there resentment, she wont move, you wont accept what she wants. DO you both feel restricted by your lives, it does sound like it.

It does sound to me like you BOTH want more out of life. whether this is together or seperate. the things you want are seeing more of your freinds, having a life, being out & about. By the same token it sounds like she wants the same, she cant wait to be back at work intereacting, getting out there, showing who she is.

The home can be very trapping for so many, really does limit your horizons dream and imagination ( I was ill and pretty much housebound for almost a year last year, and housework was the be all & end all) and also affected me in that I felt my value was limited, I had simply no conversation- nothing of my own to really offer....and it impacted on my own identity.

I dont know if what Ive put helps, but I do hope so .

this other woman, think ofm her as a mirror, she has shown you whast you want, fun, being outgoing, having a life, bars being out - living!

If your wife doesnt want these things then thats a whole nother ball game t I suspect from what you say she might want this as much as you do

xx

Justie

you need to talk to each other

properly, openly and honestly

if you can't do it as a couple on your own then go and see Relate so that a) you have time and space to address the issues and b) you have a mediator

it sounds like you've stopped communicating. If you really both want different things then maybe it will be better all round to split up but if fundamentally you both want the same thing but you need to make some compromises on how you get them then this is a good way to find out.

We change a lot in each decade of our lives so what you want now may well be different to what you want in 5 years time etc...

tosca5

Really sad, it seems you both have grown apart and want different things in life. It's difficult, do you stay for the sake of your child although you are really unhappy or do you go for what you want, attention and a social life?
I'd really have a heart to heart and put 100% in to trying to make this work.
After a while if things remain the same then it's up to you. You only get one chance at life!

Sharra

I would second the above poster - go and get some professional help.
I know from personal experience the impact having a baby can have on a relationship - just the sheer drudgery of the day to day stuff can be soul destroying at times.
The grass is never greener on the other side - a new relationship might be good for a while but don't discount the plus side of having grown up with someone.
I'm not saying that staying together is the right thing for you to do, I just really feel that you need to make absolutely sure before you throw it away. And I do feel you owe it to your baby to make every effort to sort this out if at all possible. At least if you give it your best shot, and do end up splitting up, it will be more of a mutual decision and therefore will be easier to stay on good terms for the little 'uns sake.

lush_walrus

Hhhm there is something very familiar about this situation, and I can't quite get to the point where I know exactly who I have seen experience this! But, one thing that has rung out from what you have said is that you have both lost that couple feeling of working together, and are both now pulling apart.

I think as much as you do not want to talk about it with your wife it's actually your only option, other than silently walking away. Without a very frank discussion (similar to you have already summerised and posted on here) you will both just continue to pull away.

I don't think it has to be as serious as giving up, but there will be some serious effort from both of you required to get your relationship back on track.

The things you need to settle are:

1. Where to live. Whichever way it goes, living apart any longer will not work, someone or both of you have got to compromise. Personally, I would opt for both of you compromise. Perhaps an option might be for you to both move to a larger busier place to satisfy your need, but perhaps somewhere north to satisfy your wifes.

2. What's missing in your relationship: Again both of you need to think about this...You seem to be missing the flirtatiious/affectionate side of a relationship. But, it sounds like your wife is feeling something is lost too, or else is trying to make you see her beauty by stating she is unsure etc.

If I were you both I would give it one last final effort....And with the other woman, my guess is she is not the one, but purely the one who is offering you the attention that has gone from your relationship. If all does not work with your relationship, I wouldn't mind betting that things probably will not work with this woman either, it's just the way these things go.

ScaredAndConfused

Everyone has been really really kind, and I appreciate all the honest replies that you've took the time out to give me. Already there's so many people to say 'yeah, you're right!' to.

I know that I'll always be my little boys Dad, and I couldn't bear to be without him, no matter how rubbish my day at work has been, one smile from him when I get home makes everything feel ok - but I don't want him in an environment where his parents just don't get on.

I don't know why I find it so hard to talk to my wife about this, I think it's probably because I don't want to hurt her, by saying how unhappy I am, but by the same token, things can't go on the way they are.

With regard to the girl I saw on Saturday, I know that nothing will ever happen between us, and part of me thinks 'it's not because it was her, it's because it was someone who showed an interest in you, and made you feel the way you did'. I certainly wouldn't end everything at home to take up with someone else so quickly, I think to be honest, I'd want to just be by myself, take stock of things. Last night when we were having our talk, my wife said that 'Maybe you do belong in the south' - I wanted her to be there with me though, but you can't make someone do something, if it's not what they want.

One thing that really shocked me at the weekend was my friend telling me that marriage is all about compromise, but to everyone else, it's always seemed that I've done the compromising all on my own, I had felt that way, but it took to hear it from someone else to make it 'real' if that makes any sense?

I do want things to work out, and I really hope that they can - I just never imagined that things would come to this, but then I suppose, does anyone?