Argument - shellshocked still

andygb

olibrofiz wrote: »

thank you for your words during this difficult time for us. it got worse, and i can't see it being 100% better for quite a while yet as DD is still distressed about it all. he 'dumped' her & de-friended her on fb, then backtracked, and ranted, then cried, then raved, then begged forgiveness, then spouted words of hatred. DD has now de-friended him and blocked his number on her mobile.

i think one of the saddest moments for me in all this was her putting him on speaker on her mobile (not for my benefit, so her friend who was with her could hear as she just didn't know what to do) and hearing him, having threatened suicide, pleading 'save me' :( i have involved his family, hoping they can get him the help he obviously needs.

I know that this may seem a difficult thing to do, but you have to walk away from this situation.
Although this sounds harsh on the face of it, you have no control, no jurisdiction over this person, and from what you have said, it sounds as though he just brings misery and causes problems for those around him.
His parents have to deal with this, they are the only ones who can highlight his personality/mental problems and go to the people best placed to deal with those problems.
Please, just walk away from this.

olibrofiz

It's DD's first relationship, i really hope the only thing it does is make her wiser and able to recognise things early on in future relationships.

She said to me 'if he kills himself it will stay with me for the rest of my life' and was going to go back - i've restrained myself from telling her what to do - i said that she needed to consider that, if he doesn't get the help he obviously needs, would she be happy to deal with all this carp he's putting on her, the emotional blackmail if she doesn't do what he says, and she really needed to think about that.

the last thing i wanted to do, but i wanted to do iyswim, was say stop seeing him - that decision had to be hers alone to make

someone seriously needs to write the 'you're having a baby - congratulations!' book.

EDIT: *re-write* !!!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

olibrofiz wrote: »

It's DD's first relationship, i really hope the only thing it does is make her wiser and able to recognise things early on in future relationships.

She said to me 'if he kills himself it will stay with me for the rest of my life' and was going to go back - i've restrained myself from telling her what to do - i said that she needed to consider that, if he doesn't get the help he obviously needs, would she be happy to deal with all this carp he's putting on her, the emotional blackmail if she doesn't do what he says, and she really needed to think about that.

the last thing i wanted to do, but i wanted to do iyswim, was say stop seeing him - that decision had to be hers alone to make

someone seriously needs to write the 'you're having a baby - congratulations!' book.

She needs to know that 'I'll kill myself and it'll all be YOUR fault' is textbook abusive partner. It's not a rare thing, I think most people have heard it one way or another in their lives.

olibrofiz

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

She needs to know that 'I'll kill myself and it'll all be YOUR fault' is textbook abusive partner. It's not a rare thing, I think most people have heard it one way or another in their lives.

I've told her that he alone is responsible for his actions, and whatever he does is not her fault, we all have choices etc. but gawd it's so hard.

marisco_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

She needs to know that 'I'll kill myself and it'll all be YOUR fault' is textbook abusive partner. It's not a rare thing, I think most people have heard it one way or another in their lives.

I 100% agree with this. If your daughter were to go back to this guy she would be enabling his destructive behaviour to continue. The shouting, swearing and all the other carry on would be what she could expect from that relationship. All she could expect most likely. That is not young love is it.

The guy appears capable of causing her alot of harm, emotionally if not worse. Until he is persuaded to address his problems they will continue and escalate.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

olibrofiz wrote: »

She said to me 'if he kills himself it will stay with me for the rest of my life'

Yes, it's designed to get her running straight back - that's the point!

You need to be explicit and tell her that this is textbook abusive behaviour.

polkadot

I stumbled on your thread and couldnt stop reading. I desperately wanted to say something but didnt know what, until the other poster raised "the textbook". I come from another situation but the same point of view. That textbook is so standard that it is not exclusive to "romantic relationships".

I was 19 when I finally heard my mother say "save me" in the same way for the millionth time. After years of enduring the same scenario you describe-I finally realised that if I was to save myself, I had to let her be responsible for her own actions. I did lose her that night, and I wish I hadnt and I miss her every day-but the truth is that she was always going to do it-regardless of whether or not I stayed to be her emotional punching bag.

15 years on, I am happily married with 3 beautiful children-and I have that because that night, I chose to save myself.

I realise its not the outcome your daughter wants to see, but even if she cant "save him", she owes it to herself to save herself. Because if she doesn't do that now, then even when he moves on to someone else, she will always be vulnerable of being in this same position again...in any kind of relationship.

sassyblue

polkadot wrote: »

I was 19 when I finally heard my mother say "save me" in the same way for the millionth time. After years of enduring the same scenario you describe-I finally realised that if I was to save myself, I had to let her be responsible for her own actions. I did lose her that night, and I wish I hadnt and I miss her every day-but the truth is that she was always going to do it-regardless of whether or not I stayed to be her emotional punching bag.

Polka dot I'm so sorry to hear that, but who knew it would happen when your mum had said it many times before. I'm pleased you're happy and settled in your life now. Xx

OP sorry to hear it got worse, lets hope his family help him. I think you've done all the right things to help after the initial blow up.

MrsAtobe

My elder niece was in a very similar relationship at the age of 16, but managed with help and support to break free, thankfully. He was at first emotionally abusive, which she felt uncomfortable with, but didn't feel able to all to anyone about, but he escalated.

Her BF at the time wasn't getting the attention he needed at home, both parents ran a taxi firm, and he ended up also threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a multi-story car park. He was texting and ringing my niece, so it was suggested to her that she let his parents know what was going on, and then maintain radio silence:). The police managed to talk him down.She finally saw, with help, that this was his cry for help, and she wasn't the person who could get him that help.

OP, are his parents out of the country regularly?

olibrofiz

Polkadot i'm so sorry to hear what happened with you, thank you tho xx

i think i'm posting now as i've done something and i don't know if i made the right choice? I think I did, and I WILL step back from this point. after suicide threats too many last night i rang the police (at dd's request), on two occasions within a matter of hours, and they went out to him twice. he couldn't contact DD, so he was msg me his sister wasn't happy about the police, and i feel awful for that, but i couldn't leave dd's (now ex) bf having an emotional meltdown when he was saying things like 'well the police won't be able to find a dead man, it;s not worth living' and knowing he'd tried before :(

fortunately for him, i hope, he went to docs this morning and apparently was referred to a MH unit straight away. I just feel bad that i stuck my oar in again, but glad i did, but so sad, and exasperated, and sick, and so tired & drained. and i think i'm just 'talking' as i need to