Argument - shellshocked still

olibrofiz

Had a carp weekend

Your kids (late teens) relationships - have you ever been dragged into an argument they're having? What did you/do you do? I was in an awkward situation at the weekend, normally I keep quite and wait till they go into another room, but I got stuck in the middle of it and ended up insisting that DD's bf went home. I don't think I had a choice really.

DD's bf kept saying he was going to walk home (hello! thick snow, you live 20 miles away!) I told him I couldn't let him do that but if he was adament I'd pay for a taxi for him - 'I don;t want your charity' - 'it's not charity, I care about you too, and would rather know you got home safe, I don't want the money back' Next thing he's ringing his parents telling them I was kicking him out of the house.

I hate arguing - my family don't do prolonged shouting. 3 hours of shouting, crying, accusations, emotional threats etc in front of me just blew my mind I couldnt' get away from them

sigh

elsien

olibrofiz wrote: »

Next thing he's ringing his parents telling them I was kicking him out of the house.

Now if I were his parents I'd want to know what on earth he'd been doing that warranted getting chucked out of the house in the first place.
You can only do what you feel you need to do at the time. 3 hours of shouting would be enough to do anyone's head in.

(As long as you realise that when they kiss and make up it'll be all your fault again. It should get better by the time they're drawing their pensions.... or so my mother is hoping.)

olibrofiz

elsien wrote: »

Now if I were his parents I'd want to know what on earth he'd been doing that warranted getting chucked out of the house in the first place.
You can only do what you feel you need to do at the time. 3 hours of shouting would be enough to do anyone's head in.

(As long as you realise that when they kiss and make up it'll be all your fault again. It should get better by the time they're drawing their pensions.... or so my mother is hoping.)

I think they told him that probably wasn't what was happening as they've said i'm like a 2nd mum and they're glad i;m there to keep an eye on him (they're not in the UK at the mo). Which is another reason I feel awful cos we get on fine. I want to contact him to see if he's ok, but I know he's really upset, so I know he won't be fine

EDIT: and I'm about 99% I won;t get flack for anything I said. More like they might turn to me to referee again

SuzieSue

I don't understand why he told his parents that you were kicking him out when all you did was offer to pay for a taxi when he wanted to leave anyway.

j.e.j.

Sounds fair enough, you don't want to listen to all that racket and shouting for hours on end. Why should you have to.

sassyblue

olibrofiz wrote: »

Next thing he's ringing his parents telling them I was kicking him out of the house.

I hate arguing - my family don't do prolonged shouting. 3 hours of shouting, crying, accusations, emotional threats etc in front of me just blew my mind I couldnt' get away from them

sigh

Cheeky little runt, will you get a chance to tell his parents the truth?

I think you did the right thing, whoever it was (him and your daughter?) shouldn't be behaving like that in your house.

marisco_2

olibrofiz wrote: »

I hate arguing - my family don't do prolonged shouting. 3 hours of shouting, crying, accusations, emotional threats etc in front of me just blew my mind I couldnt' get away from them

From the sounds of it this relationship may naturally burn itself out, or self combust, depending on how you view it. My family also dont do prolonged shouting or arguing and I cannot bare that kind of tension or atmosphere in my home. I dont know how you tolerated it for so long.

Out of interest which one was doing the shouting, crying, hurling accusations and making emotional threats? As a mum I would be very concerned if I heard my children in the middle of one of those kind of rows. Partly because I wouldn't be happy that someone chose to speak to or treat them like that. I would also hope that my children would recognise that they shouldn't conduct themselves in that way either. There are better ways of addressing and resolving problems in a relationship. Behaving in that way does not help to sort the initial problems out, it just adds to the upset in the long run.

I find it odd that despite you showing concern for the bf he chose to phone his parents and twist things, saying you were throwing him out. Considering how he had just behaved in your home you would have been justified to, yet he ignored all this and lied about you. Absolutely not the actions of someone I would want mixing with a grown child of mine.

Unfortunately this is for your daughter to work through for herself. All you can do is be there for her and support her. I am going to make the most of mine being too young for girlfriends but boy do I know I have it all to come. I hope I can show as much restraint as you have and handle myself with such dignity. Well done OP.

valk_scot

Three hours? It would have lasted about three minutes in front of me. I don't let my kids do "Prolonged shouting. 3 hours of shouting, crying, accusations, emotional threats " so I'd be !!!!!!ed if I let anyone else either.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I've got one daughter who seems to enjoy that sort of relationship.


I wouldn't tolerate it under my roof. But that has the risk of her choosing not to remain under it. I'd still, even now, say the same. Actually, now I'd probably say a few choicer words to the little s*** rather than be polite, as he was relying upon my wish to avoid unpleasantries to get his own way.

System

but I got stuck in the middle of it and ended up insisting that DD's bf went home.

Next thing he's ringing his parents telling them I was kicking him out of the house.

Well i suppose through his anger maybe it sounded to him like you were kicking him out.

olibrofiz

marisco, you hit the nail on the head, with all your comments - if i could thank you more than once for your insightful post, i would. thank you everyone else for your thoughts too.

it was the bf doing the shouting etc, and by allowing them to continue in front of me i was hopeful they could reach a decision (one of dd's friends was there also, trying to referee, so it wasn't me as 'interfering mother' alone). DD has said bf shouted at her, accused her of things she hadn't done, wakes her in the night & starts accusing etc - i haven't witnessed any of that, but got the whole range on Sat night :eek:

I was shocked to see the depth of bf's insecurities tbh, and his attempts to get me on 'his side' - it's everyone elses fault seemingly.

They are having some 'space', although he keeps txt & ringing her, then txt & ringing her because she isn't responding instantly. so i have had a convo with him explaining the meaning of 'space' & that shouting gets you nowhere (@ dd's request because he was getting frantic with 'where are you now' texts, & telling her this was all her fault?). his replies were along the lines of he knew he had issues...'is she with you'.....thanks for all i've done for him....'IS she with you?'...no one will love DD like he does.....'IS she WITH yoooou???'

i can only hope my DD makes the right choice, we've had convos about healthy relationships, destructive ones, & i have everything tightly crossed...

And i've just re-read my post and thought 'run for the hills...'