Nice people thread part 8 - worth the wait

LydiaJ

Spirit wrote: »

My boss has 4 children - oldest aged 7, youngest 11 months. One of the school age children was attending a pony party yesterday afternoon. The birthday party had been arranged by the child's mum's PA. On trying to establish who else was attending, to organise lift sharing, my boss phoned ad spoke to the child's father. He had no idea but would get his PA to speak to his wife's PA and she would call 'boss' back.

Birthday child has never had a party before and usually cannot attend parties of other children. Her dad was not going to be there and the attendance of the mum was not assured.

selfish, self absorbed horrors. Poor mite.

I feel almost sick reading that.

I remember watching a documentary about nannies years ago, that featured some families like that.

In one family, the child put up with being looked after by a succession of nannies, but bascially loved Mummy, and was constantly disappointed that Mummy was not there. There was one particularly poignant scene when the mother came back from some business trip. The child had made some thing - a craft project or drawing or similar - and was all excited about giving it to Mummy, but the mother wouldn't even look at it; she just wanted to give the child the wildly expensive clothes she had bought for her while on her trip.

In the other family, the child had worked out that an actual relationship with the parents wasn't going to work, and poured his/her little heart into loving the nanny.... which was great for a while, but every year the nanny would get to the end of her contract and go back to her home country, the child would be distraught (I would say bereaved) and a new nanny would arrive.

NB I am not trying to imply that all forms of childcare are bad or wrong or unloving, or even that nannies are "a bad thing". Just agreeing with Spirit that if you have kids, you need to be involved in their lives enough that they know that you love them, you are there for them, and that they matter to you. How much involvement that takes is not a question I care to answer, but it's more than getting your PA to organise a party you won't attend, and less than 24/7 presence in the same room as the kid.

lostinrates

LydiaJ wrote: »

I feel almost sick reading that.

I remember watching a documentary about nannies years ago, that featured some families like that.

In one family, the child put up with being looked after by a succession of nannies, but bascially loved Mummy, and was constantly disappointed that Mummy was not there. There was one particularly poignant scene when the mother came back from some business trip. The child had made some thing - a craft project or drawing or similar - and was all excited about giving it to Mummy, but the mother wouldn't even look at it; she just wanted to give the child the wildly expensive clothes she had bought for her while on her trip.

In the other family, the child had worked out that an actual relationship with the parents wasn't going to work, and poured his/her little heart into loving the nanny.... which was great for a while, but every year the nanny would get to the end of her contract and go back to her home country, the child would be distraught (I would say bereaved) and a new nanny would arrive.

NB I am not trying to imply that all forms of childcare are bad or wrong or unloving, or even that nannies are "a bad thing". Just agreeing with Spirit that if you have kids, you need to be involved in their lives enough that they know that you love them, you are there for them, and that they matter to you. How much involvement that takes is not a question I care to answer, but it's more than getting your PA to organise a party you won't attend, and less than 24/7 presence in the same room as the kid.

Again, it depends. I often had my birthday in a different country to my parents. It really has left no lasting scar. I felt more resentment about them being away for things like exam results.

neverdespairgirl

I think nannies can be positive. Isaac loves Sam, and she loves him, and they have a real and valuable relationship.

But it doesn't replace his relationships with OH and with me, we love him too. I spend lots of time admiring craft and art projects, although I was amused by the Christmas card whcih included a Christ-on-a-Cross drawing, as I thought he might have got his festivals mixed up a bit (-:

neverdespairgirl

LydiaJ wrote: »

How much involvement that takes is not a question I care to answer, but it's more than getting your PA to organise a party you won't attend, and less than 24/7 presence in the same room as the kid.

That is extremely bizarre.

My parents were both at all our birthday parties, until we got to an age where parental attendance was most definitely not required (-:

My mother's come to all Isaac's. My Dad's come to 3, so far, as I remember.

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think nannies can be positive. Isaac loves Sam, and she loves him, and they have a real and valuable relationship.

But it doesn't replace his relationships with OH and with me, we love him too. I spend lots of time admiring craft and art projects, although I was amused by the Christmas card whcih included a Christ-on-a-Cross drawing, as I thought he might have got his festivals mixed up a bit (-:

The only one I had i loved very, very much, but was very tragically murdered a few years later. (I had some au pairs, and just this one nanny, and it was a real financial stretch for my parents) Dh is in touch with all his nannies still.

neverdespairgirl

Isaac's only had one, as Sam's been with us since he was a few months old. Which is great for him, I think, the continuity is important.

Sam was with the family before us for years, too, and was discussing the birthday present she's buying for the 20 year old medical student she used to look after.

Spirit_2

lostinrates wrote: »

My dogs have been invited out. Best was to a dinner party in a flat in a nearby fancy city, The dogs bounded up the stairs and sat one each on a sofa.(we had two big dogs then and dog dog) I was mortified, they would never have done that at home.

Later on the charged upstairs and went to sleep on the hosts bed. :eek:
Seriously, I could have died. That they might have done at home though.

Host was delighted and kept reissuing invites I didn't accept because I was so mortified.

years ago the parents of DD's schoolfriend invited us to lunch.."bring the dog" they said. Fen, a youthfull flattie bounded in to their sitting room and pee'd up their sofa. It got worse.

He was digging in their garden, she was a landscape gardener and restorer of historic gardens so it was very nice garden. They said it was OK, their late dog had dug too but sadly had been knocked down and died. He was buried in the garden. At least he was partially buried ...as Fen appeared with a pelvis and fur in his mouth:eek:

neverdespairgirl

Ooops. Bet that was a conversation stopper.

Were you invited again.....?

Spirit_2

LydiaJ wrote: »

I feel almost sick reading that.

.

I felt angry. Just appalled at the lack of commitment and obviously not enjoying and making time for their daughter. They probably see themselves as successful:(

I was not a role model mum when DD was small, OH was a role model dad though, and I have written before of the fabulous and loving child care we had. We did do all of the normal stuff because that is what family life means.

Spirit_2

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Ooops. Bet that was a conversation stopper.

Were you invited again.....?

OH and I took the girls out onto the forest with Fen (New Forest) whilst the couple 'sorted' the garden then we left smartly on our return.

We were never invited back, although they did home one of our kittens (Elvisa).