Nice people thread part 8 - worth the wait

lostinrates

Dh just given arbitration one more shove with the message we have reached the end of the period of time where we can deal with no action, and a move to resolve or court is our next step.

SingleSue

lemonjelly wrote: »

Any parenting issue is always going to be sensetive to discuss. It is one of the most personal aspects of life I guess.

As someone who isn't a parent, yet would love to have a child, seems I'm in a no win situation. Best not comment, as I can't understand what it is like to be a parent. It is a reaction I've seen/heard before.

Children face issues every day that could adversely affect them. Any parent will want the best opportunities for their child/ren. That is a huge part of life.

However I do have friends with disabled children. One person I know had a son with what is suspected to be (unconfirmed as yet) some form of learning difficulties. There are a number of additional physical conditions too. In the first instances of the parents becoming aware, it seemed to be putting them off parenting. In some ways, the comment I made had to be made to these friends.

Perhaps I phrased it badly? The biggest thing that a child could need, want or benefit from is the love and support of a kind parent. For me at least, that/they are the biggest motivators in creating a happy life for a child.

Perhaps I'll leave it there though, as after all, what can I know?

When you first realise that all is not right, you go through a kind of grieving period, the child who you thought was perfect, isn't. This is for any kind of 'difference' be that something like dyslexia right through to severe cerebal palsy.

So, it's a sort of self preservation thing, you try to concentrate on what you can do to make things better or why this has happened, or get caught up in the therapies etc and along the line in those early days, the normal parenting part takes a back seat because otherwise, it breaks your heart.

I remember once a conversation I had with another parent at the special needs playgroup I attended with the two younger boys, she felt sorry for me because of the problems my boys had and I felt sorry for her (and that she was worse off) because of the very severe cerebal palsy her daughter had...we had to agree to disagree in the end as her point was whilst her daughter didn't really do much due to the seriousness of her disabilities, mine were going into meltdowns and screaming and I was running around like a headless chicken.

I too initially fell into the trap of thinking only about the therapies, about their differences and making special provision for them because the alternative was just too hard to bear, it was only after a period of adjustment, that I could then start seeing them as them....my boys.

SingleSue

silvercar wrote: »

I wonder sometimes at the amount that can be done to support a child in their education. Given that it is possible to provide so much support (time, money and/or expertise) into tackling specific difficulties, I sometimes think that "nuture" beats "nature". If you have a child with a problem and you are interested and value their education, then you provide support to deal with the problem. Whereas if you are a parent without the interest in their education you just shrug and carry on with your life.

I think in some ways I have been quite lucky that I have not been working during their most problematic years (or before the divorce, working during the evening and night)...it has given me the chance to really work on their differences and to bring them to something resembling 'normal' and an ability to cope better with the outside world.

That has been absolutely key in getting them to where they are today...although combining evening/night work with everything else was completely exhausting and what led to my breakdown!

tomterm8

silvercar wrote: »

I wonder sometimes at the amount that can be done to support a child in their education. Given that it is possible to provide so much support (time, money and/or expertise) intando tackling specific difficulties, I sometimes think that "nuture" beats "nature". If you have a child with a problem and you are interested and value their education, then you provide support to deal with the problem. Whereas if you are a parent without the interest in their education you just shrug and carry on with your life.

One of the problems with this discussion is there are too many versions of 'problems,'. For example, with dyslexia, you can actually do a ct scan of before and after learning to read: people with dyslexia can be diagnosed at 6 months of age with an 85% probability of bring correct, and after they are taught to read fluently there are measurable changes to the brain.

With autism, stroke based aphasia, various forms of other learning disability you can often help give coping strategies but they are things where it's beyond human ability to "cure." It is a case of simply helping them have the best life they can.

Itismehonest

PasturesNew wrote: »

I read once that studies proved that "simple sponsorship things" pay out "more per piece of effort".

So, rather than cycling 10,000 miles round the world and being sponsored per mile - you'd make more money per mile cycling 100 miles locally, or even a 24 hour "non stop cycle" in a local shopping centre. So it'd be easier and raise more money doing lots of smaller things.

A lot of these "big showy sponsorship ideas" cost a fortune for the participant to take part in, whereas getting your bike out costs nothing It can cost £30,000 to climb Everest (I read in the DM earlier).

Quite possibly but they tend to do all the at home fund-raising & extra work to raise funds first to make sure they can afford to go for the "big showy sponsorship". There's not so many people prepared to ultimately donate tens or hundreds of thousands of pounds for riding a bike round a local, no cost, area. It has to be something which involves really hard effort.

Anyway, I'm proud of her. She doesn't just talk about it or moan about her lot in life. She doesn't pick the easy option. Despite all her own mammoth problems she still goes the extra mile for others less fortunate.

tomterm8

PasturesNew wrote: »

I was just labelled "a very naughty child".

Yes, you were.

And they were wrong.

lostinrates

tomterm8 wrote: »

Yes, you were.

And they were wrong.

I didn't get any label as a little kid.

But they were wrong. I WAS a very naughty girl. Still am.

PasturesNew

tomterm8 wrote: »

Yes, you were.

And they were wrong.

You've not met me

tomterm8

I wasn't considered naughty as a child, but was never really caught either. I suspect most people underestimated how much chaos can be caused by the right idea in the wrong ear...

lostinrates

Hahah, PN. I remember the number of 'sides' of paper to be filled being discussed on every essay type thing. Our school came up with rules about double space ing etc.

I have quite nasty tight writing, so I get more than the average number of words per line, and I remember arguing this meant I had to write more than my contempories with much happier rounder generous script. Pfft.

I started writing from margin to the faint line of margin on the other side of the paper to make up for this. When I transferred to having to type stuff I found I had to justify both margins to feel satisfied and was thrilled to learn that at uni those were the rules there too. Unjustified margins now make me feel I haven't done things properly.