Hoarding - Springing Ahead

elly68

Mattress and carpet and blind to tip gone gone gone

GreyQueen

:T Good stuff going on. I was squirrelling a vacuum around in the bedroom and had made up the chazzer donation bag and decided to stroll it down to Hoxfam. I'm tired today but I shall be even more tired tomorrow after work, so best get it from underfoot. Such a good feeling to hand it over.

Going to have a cuppa and a wee read of a book to gather some strength to finish the vacuuming and get on with the de-kippling. Loads of things need things doing to them before being used for things/ being put away. Not a straight-foward matter of returning stuff to their rooms of origin.

Ach well, no one said life should be easy.:rotfl:

siegemode

Hi, everyone,

I have finally admitted out loud to being a hoarder with a problem:o
A big thank you to the person who shared the link to the NHS page. I could identify so much with what I read and have shown it to my OH who now seems a bit more understanding to the emotions and difficulties that I have. Both he and I are now trying to understand me a bit better and he has realised that my issues are a lot deeper than just being plain unreasonable and untidy.

OH was having a shed clear out and as I saw things on their way to the dump I couldn't resist questioning whether this or that still had a use and he got quite frustrated, quite being an understatement. We didn't have words as such, but I retreated inside and went upstairs. After putting the washing away I sat on the bed sobbing. I felt so upset and frightened that he was discarding things that may come in handy or that we would Need. Now no matter how unreasonable I knew I was being I was finding it really difficult to deal with the emotions I felt inside. The anxiety felt overwhelming and I hate falling out with my soul mate more than anything. I know deep down he's right about de cluttering and I know my organised chaos is both upsetting to him and adding to his stress and depression and other health problems. But still after over ten years together it's still a huge bone of contention and an unresolved problem. I get really anxious and defensive every time he talks about the mess and we have had some major arguments about his inability to cope around clutter and my inability to do something about it and stop bringing more stuff in to the house no matter what justification I come up with.

So here I am. Someone who copes and rarely admits that she needs help, let alone asking for it.

I have a spare bedroom that is full of stuff and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the task of sorting stuff out. Once I have overcome those feelings and entered the zone I find it difficult to deal with the anxiety of throwing something potentially useful to us even if it means more space and a happier OH.

Any tips on how I can deal with the emotional side of things ? I feel like I'm going mad and feel so useless at this de cluttering of stuff. The anxiety is more like fear and feels uncontrollable.

whitewing

siegemode,

I hope it reassures you that I have never needed anything that I have given away. Sometimes I have upgraded, eg vacuum cleaner. Space is great and housework is so much easier.

thriftwizard

{{{Hugs}}} Siegemode; it does get better, when you suddenly start to feel free-er and realise how much the "just in case" clutter was weighing you down & preventing change for the better. And you should see how much I still have to dispose of...

No luck on the pen front! Every single one I've picked up today has been working... they are all neatly rounded up to where I can find them again when I do need them. I.e. stationery pots. But it's amazing how quickly they can escape...

I've added 3 nice but unsaleable blankets (not proper wool, but fleece/acrylic) to the pile to go to the homeless. They look good & they're warm & I could probably get a bit for them at the car boot, but they're not what "vintage" shoppers are looking for, and I have plenty of the ones they are looking for. Probably won't get a lot further today, apart from taking the stuff around to young Emma, because DS2 and the TDiL are moving bedrooms, so there's too much else going on.

One factor that will change the speed with which I can get on with this, is that DD1 has gone & got herself some PT paid employment. I love her very dearly, and know that her own little business will grow steadily & slowly to the point that it can support her, but it'll take a while and she needs some income in the meantime. And not having her here will mean that I can get my head down & get on with it, some of the time, at least!

RadioHorse

siegemode -

I would suggest going to see your GP about counseling or something similar. It's important to have professional help to deal with hoarding on a large scale because it impacts a lot of your life (your relationships, finances, emotional and physical health). My grandmother, who is a true hoarder, was referred to a psychologist who helps her with working through exercises and small tasks to get rid of the emotional attachment to things before any big events. Your husband could come too, to some of the sessions, so he can explain how he feels and how it's had an effect on him, since you said it's made him feel frustrated and led to fights, too.

And if your husband does sort things out like the shed or garage, don't go with him to look at what's leaving since that's what stressed you out last time. Perhaps take that time to go shopping (or shop online, if that's your thing) and deliberately distract yourself from going out to see what's leaving the house. You didn't miss it while it was in the shed or it wouldn't be in there, so there is no reason to miss it when it leaves the house for good but you have to deliberately tell yourself that over and over again.

siegemode

Thank you RadioHorse, I have sought counselling in the past for other complex issues including ptsd, but am quickly dismissed or dropped by the medical profession. After 12 years as a carer and frequently reporting that I was having difficulty coping along with a steady decline in my physical and mental heath I fell apart completely and begged for help and support. Finally they are listening and I have to make an appt with gp. Hopefully gp will listen and I will have my own assessment and will talk about my hoarding and related anxiety at the appt. It seems in our area certainly and with so many cuts that Mental Health services are being hit especially hard and as a carer for someone who has been using these services for over 10 years I've seen too much to have much faith in the system.
Thank goodness I can come here.
Trying to gee myself up to enter the room of chaos, maybe if I can find 3 things to remove that will be a start and eventually I'll build momentum. I think maybe I try to attack it too full on normally and get so stressed I leave it for months/weeks until I feel able to give it another go. When I attempt it I'm left feeling no sense of achievement because despite removing what seems like loads the room looks no different to me and OH can't see a difference either.

GreyQueen

((((((((((seigemode)))))))))) I could relate to so much of your post. My lovely Mum had a very troubled early life, due to inadequacies in her family of origin, then a care home, then fosterage, and struggles with Stuff. I feel that I have a slightly-diluted secondhand version of the same issues.

At the background, there is Fear of Want, the spectre which looms like a hungry-eyed ghost insisting that anything which is discarded will precipitate a disaster; hunger, raggedness, shoeless all-consuming poverty. That we will be cold and comfortless and there will never be Enough again, and we will have brought real Suffering on ourselves by decluttering.

It's very hard for people not so afflicted to understand what seems like irrational behaviour but it is possible to work past it. Mum is starting to get there with some things. She has always been able to part with things, even very nice things which cost a fair bit, to family, friends or even strangers in need. It's a symptom of her generous nature that she can let stuff go if she can see a need for it to be elsewhere. A lovely hand Singer sewing machine went to a charity which took them to Africa, as merely one example.

It's a bit harder to for her to see need in the abstract, e.g. that by donating to the charity shop, you are donating to a stranger in need who will be able to get a bargain and the charity will get some funds for their Cause. But I'm helping her get there.

Last September, I helped her sort out her knitting patterns, which were in 6 large Lever Arch files and stacked on her bedroom floor (they had been in various places around the house, but had no proper home). I sat in one armchair with each folder in turn, holding up patters; Keep, Throw, Recycle? She sat opposte, getting on with some knitting.

We were at the task for about an hour, then I took everything away to my flat and sorted it for donation here, including the files themselves. She'd been talking about doing this project for years, I'd offered to help her at least half a dozen times and there had always been resistance, such as she hadn't felt like doing it then, so much so that I wondered if these files would still be there after her death.

We ended up with one modest folder of patterns which she uses regularly and she says on most visits, apropros of nothing, You know, I don't miss those patterns one little bit! And this was a huge thing for her to declutter, these patterns spanned 50+ years of hoarding. She speaks with glee, as if she really can't believe that she feels this way, continues to feel this way and that Regret hasn't struck.

What I'm trying to get at with all this waffling is that what you now feel paralysed by even contemplating getting rid of may be something which will be easy, which will give you a sense of lightness and a feeling of glee whenever you contemplate it in retrospect.

Anyway, I need to excavate the kitchen counters so I can cook, so will toddle off for a while now.

calicocat

Siegemode.....

That's how I used to attack it.....full on....going full pelt for hours....and used to post on here lists and lists of stuff I had to do in that day.

I think this used to completely freak some people out....but it was just my way of dealing with it all at the time for me. A bit of a do it now or never, and once i'd posted it I felt I had to carry it out. I now do things at a slower pace, but admittedly once I could see the wood for the trees a bit....and moving helped...I had to get my arris in gear.

I know you from other threads, so 'stocking up' is on your agenda and so is being prepared for lots of eventualities.....

The other thread i'm talking about isn't great news if you have major hoarding tendancies......but in that context....is also sensible.


It is about finding a balance, now you know you have a problem with it you can start working it out.

What I will say is, that it will probably always be with you, so embrace what you are, ditch what causes the problems as and when you can, and allow yourself to do the sensible stuff in time once the rubbish has cleared.


I have just had a side fence re-done.......and have secretly kept some old planks of wood.....'just in case' they are useful at some point........some of it may well be, but what I did was go back out, look at it....and half the pile I have kept.

You will get there in the end.


PS.....sorry if I have the wrong person.....but I was counting my loo rolls this morning thinking ruddy hell I haven't got enough compared to you!!!......lol.

Don't beat yourself up about it, just take baby steps to change what you need to is what I found works.x

siegemode

Thanks GQ,

I think the realisation that it is seen as a mental heath problem has helped both me and OH. It has always been v difficult for OH to understand as in almost every other area of my life I'm seen as the most rational person and take great offense to being called irrational.
I strongly identify with your mum in that I love to give things away to people who both need or will use and appreciate them. I get a sense of satisfaction in giving back to the same chazzers that have provided great bargains and useful stuff when I have felt in need of a little retail therapy or have been totally reliant on them. The problem is getting things to the bags and ready to be dropped off.

Just Thursday we were in Sainsbobs and I spotted a summer duvet in the sale and popped it in the trolly. I intended to ask OH what he thought when he caught me up rather than just buy it. My reasoning was that come next summer it would cost more and this way I was both prepared and saving money. His rationale was that it was just adding to our store of things problem and more clutter. He said the space was worth more than the money saved. Reluctantly I put it back on the shelf (in part because I could see his exasperation and didn't want an argument). I think my obsession with saving money and netting a bargain is just adding to the problems of clutter, but I have shopped this way since my teens and always been aware of prices and costs of everything. my chosen Mastermind subject would be shopping, bargains and maximising offer opportunities. It's how I have managed to maintain a good standard of living against the odds since leaving home many moons ago.