I resent my sister and feel so guilty

poet123

jayII wrote: »

I feel guilty every time I say no to my children. Are you suggesting I give in to their every wants and needs because 'I know deep inside that I'm in the wrong'? :eek:

I can imagine what your comments would be if I posted that I said yes to their every want and demand! :rotfl:

There are different kinds of guilt though. The guilt you mention is not the same as guilt felt for having done something you know is not right. Your kind of guilt is backed up with the knowing that though your child may not like it, even be upset, you are doing it with the best of intentions, and for their own good.

In the Op's case she resents her sister even though she knows deep down that whatever faults lie with her sister are compounded, exacerbated, or even caused by her learning issues. She resents her parents even though she knows the reasons behind their behaviour.

No one has a perfect family, all families have tensions and dynamics, but to carry such resentment and hatred into adult life when there are clear reasons for all the behaviours on the part of her sister and parents is very sad.

I don't believe counselling is the way forward, and certainly not now whilst pregnant, or in the early days of motherhood. I think if the OP has a period of calm reflection and thinks about how she would behave as a parent in similar circumstances it will be more useful than raking up all the hurts and analysing them to death.

The other thing she needs to acknowledge and get used to is the old saying "A Mother's place is in the wrong" Most of us strive to be good parents, but we are human, we don't always get it right. Neither will she.

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

I don't believe counselling is the way forward, and certainly not now whilst pregnant, or in the early days of motherhood. I think if the OP has a period of calm reflection and thinks about how she would behave as a parent in similar circumstances it will be more useful. than raking up all the hurts and analysing them to death.

It may not be the best time to go into serious, deep counselling but she does need some help with dealing with the situation as it stands now and how she will manage things after the baby arrives.

It's possible to learn management skills through counselling without getting into deep therapy. Indeed, some kinds of counselling start with "where you are now" and "how are you going to move forward" without ever stirring up the mud of the past and that's enough for some clients.

burnoutbabe

could you not ask your mum to come over to do something on your own - shopping for some baby item?

Probably your parents speak about how pleased your sister is to be an aunt is just due to them not having much of a life outside your sister. I'm sure my mum has told my sister how exciting it is for me to be an aunt when really I am not fussed (but happy for her), its just the way parents speak about one child when with the other one, to include both kids.

jayII

It's interesting to read all the different perspectives on the OP's situation and feelings. I for one have learnt a lot from this thread.

Ultimately, I believe she needs to seperate her feelings of hurt and resentment towards her parents and sister from any guilt she feels about her responsibility to protect her baby, even if that is from her sister's plans to babysit or otherwise care for the baby.

All the emotional issues need to be addressed, one at a time, as and when the OP is ready to do so, but to me the overriding issue is that she needs to be able to put her foot down about the baby's safety once it arrives.

That won't be easy if she struggles to stand up to her parents, but it is absolutely essential that she manages to do so if her sister really is a risk to the baby.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Very sad, to be reading this thread. My initial thoughts are that the OP has taken the first steps towards healing, by admitting to having these feelings towards her sister and parents.

She admits that she feels guility about how she feels, this is another good sign, because if she felt nothing, No Love, there would be No Guilt. Years of resentment will not magically disappear, and no matter what we do in this life, we can't change the past, but we must learn from it. Does the OP want to continue down the road of resentment or does she want to change how she wishes to be with her family, from here on.... Who is she hurting, by carrying on this resentment? Herself.

We Humans are not perfect, we can't expect perfection from others. We make mistakes, Mother, Brother, Sister etc...., sometimes unintentional ones, we can't beat ourselves up about them, they are what makes us who we are. The OP will come to realise in bringing up her baby that things are not always black/white, there is a lot a grey inbetween.

So I urge Shopaholic to look within herself, if she doesn't like what she sees, it up to her to change it, no councilling needed. She is about to bring a new life into this world, why not give birth to a new perspective aswell.

Good luck, God bless

AMD

poet123

jayII wrote: »

It's interesting to read all the different perspectives on the OP's situation and feelings. I for one have learnt a lot from this thread.

Ultimately, I believe she needs to seperate her feelings of hurt and resentment towards her parents and sister from any guilt she feels about her responsibility to protect her baby, even if that is from her sister's plans to babysit or otherwise care for the baby.

All the emotional issues need to be addressed, one at a time, as and when the OP is ready to do so, but to me the overriding issue is that she needs to be able to put her foot down about the baby's safety once it arrives.

That won't be easy if she struggles to stand up to her parents, but it is absolutely essential that she manages to do so if her sister really is a risk to the baby.

I absolutely agree with this, she should not feel guilt over acting to protect her child. How sensitively it is done is another matter.

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

I absolutely agree with this, she should not feel guilt over acting to protect her child. How sensitively it is done is another matter.

It's not going to be easy.

This will possibly be the first time in her life that sister will have "No" said to her. It will possibly also trigger condemnation from the parents "You know you have to let your sister do what she wants".

I do hope Shopaholic's OH is going to be very supportive otherwise she'll be left standing alone as the "bad sister" again.

andygb

Mojisola wrote: »

It's not going to be easy.

This will possibly be the first time in her life that sister will have "No" said to her. It will possibly also trigger condemnation from the parents "You know you have to let your sister do what she wants".

I do hope Shopaholic's OH is going to be very supportive otherwise she'll be left standing alone as the "bad sister" again.

:beer:Exactly how I see the situation. I think that Shopaholic has to be very steadfast here, because there will more than likely be a bit of falling out when the sister is challenged. Because the sister is now an adult, it is perfectly feasible that she is controlling the parents, even though she has learning difficulties. The fact that the parents have always favoured/protected the sister, may mean that she does not need to employ (or even possess) social skills that other people have.
I would be quite surprised if the parents and sister socialised very much or at all, and this would in turn convince them that they are "normal" (for want of a better word) and the OP (shopaholic) is not.
I have seen this with my own family (I have a "always lived at home" sister), where they always made excuses for my sister, and then tried to ignore me, as I tried to do conventional things - got married, bought a house, had a circle of friends. Their behaviour became bizarre to say the least, and they moved a couple of times due to falling out with neighbours (always the neighbours fault;))

Mojisola, your last point is the most important one. Shopaholic and her OH need to put up a very united front against this, and if it all goes "Pete Tong", then at least they have each other.

Mojisola

If it was me in this situation, I'd be very concerned about leaving the baby with the grandparents because I wouldn't trust them not to let sister have her way with the "living doll".

thorsoak

Shopaholic and OH will have to be extremely firm and just state that baby will NOT be left with grandparents (and aunt) at any stage. Of course, they can visit - but at no time will baby be left in their care.

I think that Shopaholic does not have the full picture from her parents - in all probability her sister will have a social/care worker and if this is so (Shopaholic should check this out) it would be helpful for her parents to get input from that person.