Just so tired now.

ktb

Fighting cancer is knackering - I'm not surprised you feel wiped out!! My Mum is still fighting 8 years after her initial diagnosis and as hers is a metastasized tumour, there is no end in sight regarding treatment - but she has survived by finding humour and positivity in life wherever she possibly can.... no easy task I grant you - but she witnessed too many other people lose their fight at the moment they let the despair and sadness take them.

Although, like you, she had to had her port and line fitted under a local - which she descibed as being unbelievably horiffic - she says it was a real turning point for her in her treatment and is the best thing she's had done. The horror of the fitting is now long passed and she now doesn't absolutely dread nurses spending agonising time jabbing her over and over again, searching for a viable vein! A positive that came from a very unpleasant situation and she is now used by the hospital as an advocate for the procedure.

She doesnt have close girlfriends or anything and is not an overly or openly emotional person, so doesnt really have people to offload to, but she actually found it cathartic & found strength in herself, when the hospital or friends put her in touch with other people with cancer and she became a support to them. Oddly, however dark and scary your own situation seems, there is usually someone worse off - and I think this gave her some perspective and helped her make the best of a bad lot.

There are so many things she hates about what she has been through... losing a boob, losing her hair, weight gain, losing elements of her freedom as she is tied to very regular hospital treatment for the rest of her life, all the side effects she suffers etc.... but bizarrely we have managed to find humour in all the above and most importantly, she is still here to hate all of the above - and that is what we hold on to.

You are at a very understandably low ebb, mentally & physically.... but it can and will pass. Find the inner strength to get through one day at a time, try and engage your sense of humour - even at the darkest moments - and embrace the support your family are offering. They will feed off whatever energy you are giving off - I'm sure my Mum often faked positivity and humour in the really tough times, which in turn really helped us all to support her - but it is amazing how sometimes faking it turns into feeling it... the brain doesn't know the difference between a fake smile/laugh and a real one... it can be tricked!

I really wish you strength and positivity in your fight. You will get through this..... GOOD LUCK x

Amanda65

Firstly I just wanted to say I'm really sorry life is so pants for you at the moment.

One of my best friends had breast cancer 8 years ago and I have to say the chemo was horrid She too had a hicky line and lost all her hair and she said that the hair loss as possibly the worst bit for her although she felt by saying it she sounded really shallow. She wore hats and bandanas and scarves wrapped round her head and then bought another wig that she felt better in than the NHS one for 'going out'. Trevor Sorbie launched a non-profit making wig service - not sure if you are near any of his salons but worth a look https://www.mynewhair.org.

I you are able to, I think you need to let people know that you are struggling a bit at the moment and could do with some emotional and physical help. Sometimes those near need to know what to do and need to be told how to help. If you need to a cuddle and sob in your OH's arms - tell him. He will be fine and probably just feels so helpless. Your eldest son sounds lovely, so no reason to assume that your youngest won't turn out the same! It's a shame that his raging hormones and your treatment have all come along together but remember in amongst all the testosterone filled bravado is probably a very frightened little boy who hates seeing his Mum hurting. Give him a cuddle too sometimes - if you can bear the aroma that emits from him (all all 13 yo boys IMHO) :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:.

Sadly I think things will get worse before they get better as chemo is such a vile thing to go through, but my lovely friend is still here with us 8 years later, fighting fit and with fab hair. Good luck

starrystarry

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low at the moment elise. Hope things get better soon :grouphug:

davjan

I really, really know how you feel, and I'm practically in tears knowing what you're going through, and not being able to help. I finished my chemo this time last year, then had to face the radio - I really do mean it when I say that radio is 99% easier than chemo - yes there are some side effects, but, in comparison, it's a breeze. Don't make any decisions at the moment when you're so low, and just look forward to the "up" time of the chemo cycle.
You say your OH is supportive, although going through family problems - he will be going through a bad time himself, watching what's happening to the person he loves and feeling so helpless, but nobody can do anything except be there with hugs If you feel like crying, then do so - to a great extent, you have to be selfish. I remember writing the wrong thing on my 11 month old grandson's Christmas present, and went totally hysterical, and said I might as well top myself now, if I couldn't even get a tag correct. My OH just held me until I calmed down and I stopped threatening suicide, I just felt so useless and low - everything just seems as though it will never be better. Believe me, you will get there, and it will get better, but it is a long, lonely, and frightening road, and one that only you, with support, can take.
You say your younger son is going away fro a while - is it possible that his dad could try and explain what's happening - the young lad could be terrified that he's going to lose his mum, and that is why he's lashing out?? Even though you know everything is being done to get a succesful outcome, it must be so frightening for him.
Please keep posting on here - I had some wonderful support from fellow sufferers and non sufferers alike - if I can help in any way, and you want anything, even just a virtual hand holding or hug, if it's easier, PM me. I can only re-iterate, it's seeming very dark at the moment, but you will get to the light again, and smell the flowers. Life is great, hold on in there. xx

duchy

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now ............Do MCMillian have their own counceling service .....I think you do need to unload and completely understand why you can't/won't unload on family -Perhaps going into it thinking "This is a counceller I can use them to get it all out and vent" and using counselling as an outlet at least to start with - might be the way to go. There will be a local support group maybe worth going to meet other women in your situation -and past the point you are at. Nothing like talking to someone in the same situation sometimes when others just don't "get it" or you feel you can't be brutally honest about how you feel.

Hang on in there and take everything one day at a time -tomorrow can be dealt with ...tomorrow And please keep posting

Big hugs xx

Dumyat

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3443469
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3594423

These two ladies on the forum are going through the same struggles too...I know their threads are long now, but hop in at the ends.
No one can really understand until you've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Hope you are feeling better this morning.

thehappybutterfly

Elise, I hope Mother's Day goes well for you but please don't force yourself to be smiley and upbeat if you're really not up to it. This is YOUR day - do what you want and if that means lying in bed watching crappy movies, or sleeping or reading - whatever - just do it. There will be other Mother's Days when you're feeling up to it. All I want to do today is be left alone thanks very much! I got breakfast in bed - my 15YO daughter made pancakes and butter syrup - she sat on my bed while we ate then she went back to her room where I expect she'll spend the day. That's OK - I'm happy to spend the day doing what I want. Hubby will drive down to see his mum in a few hours. On his own - I'm not going.

And I agree with some of the other posters about your 13YO old son. Yes he's being a little hormonal !!!!!! but it doesn't last forever (although it seems like it's never going to end!) - and he is undoubtedly frightened. He just doesn't know any other way of expressing it.

Big hugs - and keep coming on here and posting if it makes you feel better. xx

Ich_2

I know exactly how you feel after the operations the hope, finding there are still malignant cells, I'm now in radio-therapy as a precaution but chemo waits in the background if there is a re occurance.
The hardest part is keeping it bottled up and not having a friend close by to talk it through with. Yes I have my OH but don't want to burden her down as she has her own issues. No close friends nearby so I have to rely on the internet to talk which is not the same.

But we have to be determined to beat this and if nothing else believe in ourselves

***cupcake***_2

Elise, I havent got wise words or knowledge but need to say thank you for posting. You are a very brave and lovely lady and I wish all the love and luck in the world.

You put my problems into perspective, and I'm sure those of others too.

Stay strong, lean on others, let go for a bit.

I read a 'tag line' the other day which said having courage isn't about having the biggest roar, it's about the small voice that says I'll try again tomorrow. Or something like that. . You are so courageous - rest, sit tight, keep on.

And thank you to all the posts on this thread with words of kindness and advice. MSE at its best :T

CC xx

mrcow

Elise I don't have any wise words either.

But just read through your posting and see how far you have come already. All what you've been through and you're still going. You are allowed to be fed up, but so far, you've taken everything thrown at you on the chin and you're still coming through it. Eventually (I know it seems ages away) you will reach the other side of this and will look back and will know you've beaten this.

You're allowed to have wobbles. And you're certainly entitled to be fed up. Don't close your mind off to radiotherapy. If they say you need it, then you have it. This is not a quick disease to get through. But you can and will get through it because you are strong and determined.