Just so tired now.

elisebutt65

As above. It's only March and I feel wrung out! Some of you may have read my previous posts about me getting breast cancer, but if not;

Had mammogram in Late September as they've started inviting early (47) here now. Got called back and had a biopsy in October. Problem was arranging stuff as I was also getting married on 29/10 and working full time/ managing kids etc etc

Got the letter and appointment with surgeon for 4/11 so honeymoon got downgraded to 2 nights in Birmingham. Very swish suite at Hotel DuV though and had a lovely (but tense) time.

4/11 came and it was the worst thing ever, but I think my darling OH was more upset (apart from when they said I had to have a masectomy). The next month was a blue of arranging work stuff/medical leave, having to tell kids & relatives.

5/12 I had the op and stayed in for a few nights, glad to get home as I was half starved (leather jacket potatoes when you can only use one arm?)

Christmas was pretty pants as you can imagine post surgery but I've healed and am more mobile by the New Year and even managed relations (ahem). But then I had the oncologist appointment and I have to have 6 cycles of chemo. Radiotherapy is not on the table yet. I got my long, long hair cropped and an NHS wig is bought.

So I started in February and the 1st cycle is not as bad as I thought. Nausea is kept under control with good drugs. I have mouthwash for the ulcers and daily injections for 7 days to boost my white cells (in my tummy:eek:!). But my veins can't hack the chemo so I'm scheduled for a Hickman after the next cycle.

Now it starts to get traumatic; my hair starts to go and no amount of preparation can help with that. It's so awful and patchy and I leave a trail of hair wherever I go. I'm wearing a hat permanently as the wig's too itchy and hot. I have the next cycle of chemo and another vein is wrecked. I have just about lost the use of my right arm where the veins have corded and the pain is awful! I shaved my head to save the pain of clumps falling out. It actually hurts physically to lose hair, something no one had warned me about.
The daily injections have the side effect of making my bones ache like growing pains and I also have a weird chemo side effect of foot pain; like neuralgia in my heels, so walking is bad as well.

All through this, I have been putting on the really positive front and everyone is like; 'wow! You're coping so well!" I'm trying to be a good role model for my kids as well and being happy smiling mum.

But I think getting my line fitted yesterday has been the last straw. I don't have a high pain threshold and I asked for and was promised sedation as I panic at even minor procedure. My GP prescribes me Librium for fillings FGS!! Somehow the request got lost and after waiting for 7 hours yesterday I had to undergo the most horrific procedure of my life under local anaesthetic! Google it if you want details. All the professionals said it was only a small procedure but I asked if they'd had one done? Er no. .... Says it all really.
I've spent most of today on and off, in the loo crying as I just feel like I've had enough. I feel bruised and sore with tubes coming out of my chest. I had mini 'words' with OH as I've told him I'm not having radiotherapy whatever happens. I'm finishing the chemo and that's it! No more. If I have RT then that means my implant will probably melt and then I have more surgery to replace it. My surgeon was going to reduce my other breast to match my new smaller one but I don't care now. I just can't have more surgery.

I'm just so tired and fed up with it all and I still have 4 more cycles to go, not to mention having this line removed as well. I'm sitting here typing this with everyone in bed (insomnia as well) and tears just won't stop coming. I don't even know why I'm posting on here as I'll probably get someone saying I'm a troll or something.

21/6 Final Update at end I hope.

DannyBo

You found the strength to post - so maybe you're not as weak as you're feeling? :beer:

tesuhoha

You are definitely not a troll. Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I can't begin to imagine how bad it must be. Hopefully you will be in remission soon and you will have all the tubes etc out and your hair will grow back and you will start to feel normal again.

Big hug xxxx

mum2one

I just wish i come and give u a big hug and dsy its going to be ok, Youve been through so much in a short time, but it sounds like with the chemo that is the best way forward for you.

Its understandable the tears there part of you, have you got any support from the hospital or a macmillian nurse, you can't go on like this.

Things may be easier now you have the hickman line in, at least it will be easier to the chemo in, don't forget your body being pumped with drugs that its not use to, so its going to react in different ways.

its good to post on here, you need an outlet, and keep this diary as your outlet whether its a bad day or a good day - use it, focus on anything, even if its trying to complete a puzzle, a word search, something that reminds you of u, so you remember that your the person in charge that this illness is not in charge of you.

Please take care xxx

lindseykim13

Hugs to you hun, i can't make it all go away but i will say that this is such a small portion of your life and you will get to the end of your treatment. You'll look back on it one day and know your a stronger person for it.
I can't imagine the toll it's having on you, other than to know depression along with illness and ops and i know that was hard enough.
spend time doing what you enjoy with the people you love and know that you will get through it with them x

thehappybutterfly

Oh Elise, I don't know what to say. You've been through so much haven't you? I'm so glad you have your husband and your children to support you. Please take strength from them. Don't feel like you have to be strong all the time. Take some time for yourself, accept any help you can get. Let the tears come but don't keep them to yourself. It's mothers' day tomorrow - allow yourself to be looked after - not because you're ill but because you're a mum and you deserve it.

I hope your treatment goes well. Please don't give up.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Elsie sweetie. Have you just got one really sound mate you can tell this to? You have been so strong, and gone through so much, it's not surprising you are feeling at the end of your tether. But you will get through. X

fluffnutter

You poor love. You need a big cuddle. I'm not surprised you're exhausted and miserable - anyone would be. And remember that chemotherapy can actually make you depressed; it's another side effect of the treatment.

Make sure you have good support, from your loved ones (although it's difficult for them too) but also from the professionals. Have you been in touch with the Macmillan people? They can provide support, comfort and advice.

Also check out this thread. It was started by Barneysmom about her husband but has become a general thread supporting those who are going through similar to you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

These dark days won't last for ever, I promise.

Dunroamin

You make me realise how very fortunate I was to only need a mastectomy when I had breast cancer. Only having my husband to worry about was good as well.

I can only suggest that, if they don't clash with other medications, going on to anti depressants for a while might help.

Good luck - this too will pass.

davjan

I've been where you are at the moment, and I can promise you that you DO come out the other side, but it's so hard when you're going through it. If you are recommended to have the radiotherapy after the chemo, please go through with it - I too had an implant when I had my mastectomy, and nothing happened to mine. The chemo is so much worse than the radio - you will just have to lie on the table, very, very still - I used to count in my head, and it really does only take a few minutes - this couple of minutes is nothing in time compared to the rest of your life.
As far as the wig is concerned, do a google search on Trevor Sorbie - he has a charity, I think it's called " My New Hair " - there are hairdressing salons all over the country participating - they are fully trained by this charity - the salon I used has a separate room set aside, and I went through catalogues with the trained stylist, ( a young man, who was incredibly sympathetic and supportive ) chose three, and then went back to try them - when I chose one, it was adjusted to my head, and then trimmed to suit my face. There is then a follow up to check everything is going ok. The only charge I had was for the wig itself, ( £90 ) the styling and follow up appointments were not charged. It was so authentic, that even my sister thought I'd only had a restyle. This, at least, helped me mentally, although I did have very teary breakdowns - lets face it, chemicals being pumped in to your body don't help, do they?
Please keep positive - it is a hell of a shock when this happens - I had actually been given the all clear two years previously, when I first suspected something was wrong, then was told I had four areas of cancer after a routine mammogram, but treatment is all over now for me, apart from tablets for five years, but I so hope this message has helped you, even if only in a tiny way.
Take care, and a big hug to you. xx

dibuzz

{{{hugs}}}
Do your family know how hard you are finding things? They may think you are coping so well that you don't need any help or support.
I'm the worst person at asking for help when I need it but I think that's what you need to do.