marriage breakdown advice required

strof

hi i would appreciate some advice.
im married with one child who is at 6th form. joint mortgage 70k owed house worth 130 k approx. iam employed wife is unemployed.

I asked her to leave last august as despite money being really tight she continued in the same vein as before catalogues, pay day loans etc using her money to go out with friends instead of paying her debts.

i froze the joint bank account and continued to pay the mortgage and all household bills she moved to her mothers my son stayed with me

she is now back living with me as her mother has had enough of her and things have continued in the same vein. we are both agreed its over between us and i agreed if she came back she would use her considerable spare time to tidy and start decorating the house to put on market again this has not materialised

ive tried explaining to her about her financial behaviour, encouraged her to apply for jobs looked for jobs for her. i now have 2 jobs to try and keep everything going

my question is she continues to rack up the debt and i would like to know if there is a way of drawing a line under things before she gets us into even more debt

Tigsteroonie

There is, it's called divorce & financial proceedings.

That is, if you want the marriage to end. Which I'm not sure about from your post, as you don't mention having thought about this already, despite asking her to leave last year.

strof

youve sussed me out. i suppose i keep hoping she will change but deep down i know its not going to happen.
i love my house but its now beginning to be too much of a struggle to keep on. thanks for the advice

tango

if you have frozen the joint account, i presume the debt she is accruing is her own ?
It doesn't look like she is ready to make the changes she needs to. A big step but maybe you should separate until and if she does. Seek advice as Tigsteroonie as said

Tigsteroonie

Well in terms of how to keep managing the finances if you don't want her to leave, I'd recommend a serious look at your current income & outgoings with the help of the Debt-Free Wannabee board on here.

For advice on how to discuss joint debt and getting her to understand and control her part in this, keep talking on here as there have been some good discussions in the past about similar situation.

I just hope, for your sake, that she's not simply racking up more debt while you are still 'together' thinking that it'll get split 50:50 between you when she finally decides to divorce you.

strof

yes the debt is her own and i help her out when i can when mr quick quid and others dont receive their money.
we have 1 joint account which she used to get her salary paid into and i have never used but i cant get my name off that as it has a 2.5 k overdraft on it (dont ask)

its just so frustrating trying to explain to her i have been doing this for about 16 years. we would still have to live together but we could maybe formalise the separation ?

strof

cheers tiger.
ive cut everything back as about as far as i can. no satellite tv. travel to work by bike planning for meals bargain basement at the supermarket changed insurances to cheaper etc no bank charges as i have set up an excel spreadsheet thers not much more i can do I got another job

Tigsteroonie

I think we'd all say that your wife needs to pull her weight ... What is it they call it in drugs/DA situations? You are 'enabling' her by allowing her to continue such behaviour.

pmlindyloo

I am presuming that these debts are in her name and she has been paying them using the joint account.

If you really want your marriage to work then you are going to have to employ some tough love.

There is a way to do this but she/you may not agree with this.

You need to sit down with her and do a thorough account of her spending. You need to point out that these debts are in her name and in future she will be responsible for them.

Then you need to close down the joint account and open an account in your name only.

Then you need to take over all the finances and set up DDs for all the outgoings you have (utilities, mortgage etc.)

If you think she can be trusted to pay/organise the food then you could give her money for this. Also some personal spending money. if she needs more than she needs to ask you for it.

Writing it down like this sounds absolutely dreadful but in my mind that is the only way that you can keep your marriage on course. if she hasn't got any money then she can't take out any loans etc.

Of course it would be far better if you can talk to each other and come to some agreement but it seems that you have done this and it hasn't worked.

I am afraid that you are going to have to make some really difficult decisions. Divorce/separation seems high on the list of probabilities.

Is there any reason for her spending like this? Depression? Something else? Would she agree to some marriage counselling?

If she is just irresponsible then it may be time to part company.

Does she manage all the family finances? Is she aware of your income and the outgoings?

Hope I haven't come across as being too harsh towards her. There may be underlying problems that you haven't spoken about.

strof

thanks for the reply. i try and explain everyday to her but im sick of being the parent in the relationship .

im 50 this year and i think it is really break time no one could have done anymore and been as patient as i have i do get angry with her now as her financial irresponsibility has increased and i know thats not good.

ive done the tough love by cutting her loose a bit and getting her arranging reduced payments with next, creation marks and spencer etc but she then reneges on the payments and gets a quick quid loan out to pay some off them !!

yes she is aware but she does not seem to understand and i have to explain over and over again why i cant go somewhere because of lack of funds it is really quite wearing.
she also had an affair a year ago: the reason she said was because i never took her anywhere( see lack of funds haha)

**Patty**

Everything that LindyLoo says plus a Letter of Disassociation ASAP.