marriage breakdown advice required

thehappybutterfly

She's never going to learn how to manage her finances while you are enabling her behaviour. Like dunroamin said, you're not showing her tough love - you're doing everything for her by setting up repayments etc.

If you want to stay in your marriage, and personally I don't know why you would as she sounds bloody awful, you need to take full charge of the finances and you certainly don't trust her to buy groceries, you definitely don't give her your card for petrol money and you don't pay her debts for her. The money you earn should go on household bills and food, and for your sake, a savings account in your name only.

[STRIKE]If she wants to act like an irresponsible child, treat her like one. Give her
pocket money if you must but the bare minimum - £25 a month. That's how much my
hubby and I take each - just enough to allow us a small treat or to save up for
mutual birthdays etc. It keeps us from feeling deprived and from feeling like
we're working for nothing.[/STRIKE] Scrap that - don't give her anything.

Or you can throw her out............

strof

thanks for all the replies and advice people

marisco_2

strof wrote: »

its just so frustrating trying to explain to her i have been doing this for about 16 years.

She is never going to change. Time at her parents could have been spent productively in finding a job, getting back on her feet emotionally and finacially and clearing some debts. That didn't happen. Her attitude and approach lead to them having had enough and telling her to leave.

By taking your wife back in and bailing her out when people come knocking for their money you are enabling her behaviour to continue. I realise you are doing this from the goodness of your heart. However it is the equivalent of making a rod for your own back.

You cant pull out of the joint account you have with 2.5K of debt on it. If you stay with her then she will drag you further and further down. You run the risking of losing your home if you cant keep up with all the outgoings. The one thing that could finance you starting over again if you did decide to split. After all the hard work you do with two jobs that would be completely galling wouldn't it.

I would find it extremely hard work to be with someone who takes such little personal responsibility for their finances. I would also be furious that whilst I slogged my guts out trying to keep my head above water and provide a home for my child, a partner could keep racking up ridiculous amounts of debt.

As I see it the only sensible way forward would be to file for divorce, sell the property and split any assets from it. Take advice from a solicitor as to how to split things.

sulkisu

Has your wife ever worked or was she a SAHM? How were the finances arranged?

marisco_2

Heffi1 wrote: »

Cut off her access to your money, if you are paying for the DDs and mortgage then in my eyes that is enough, make sure there is food in the house and apart from that, absolutely no cash to her at all.

Be very careful taking this action. If your wife wants to play dirty if you suggest divorce, then she could make a false claim of elements of abuse in the marriage. Having little to no access to finances, with one partner controlling what the other has access to, is a common feature in abusive marriages. I am not stating that this is the case in your relationship at all but as a worst case scenario your wife could claim this.

geoffky

Grow a pair mate...Simple as that...

strof

cheers mate:)

RAS

strof wrote: »

the joint account is with the halifax and she pays something like 55 pounds a month for it. i have not used the account for around 10 years. i though the account had to be in credit for me to remove my name?

It has to be in credit for you to be able to close it.

However

1. You can stop her getting any more money out of it. Inform the bank in writing (take the letter in if possible) that they are not to allow any further debits unless both of you sign. They must stop allowing any card transactions.

2. When you divorce this is a debt from the marriage. Get the statements and prove she spent the money and they will probably deduct the debt from her portion of the assets of the marriage. Certainly argue for this.

Stop paying quickquid or anyone else off.

Stop letting her have you card for petrol.

Please see a solicitor and see if you can get an order to remove her if that is what you want.

RAS

" research has shown that domestic violence often involves economic abuse as well as physical, sexual and emotional abuse"

REad this and reflect on both your actions https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

It was written for women but the content really applies to both genders.

Jaffa_cake

Bleedin' hell Strof !!!

Sounds just like my ex, and I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.
Bled me dry over the years.
I was too busy earning to see where all the money was going, until I started finding bundles of "late demands"
Sly b!tch !!!
The number of times I paid off the credit cards, the store cards, closed the accounts, and cut up the cards.

!!!! me ! 3 months later back to square one again.

I eventually found out she was supporting 2 of her families, so my bleedin' wages was supporting about 20 people !

Get out now,
Get the house on the market.
Sell it now, don't spend any money on it
Give her her 50% and move on.
Write to Equifax, and tell them you are no longer financially connected, they have a form you can download off them.

The marriage is dead, she sounds incapable of learning.
Let some other mug take her on.

J.C.