How does church work?

Savvy_Sue

Lavendyr wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think that churches should be full of people who are perfectly good and kind and wonderful. In fact churches are full of normal people (OK, and a few odd fish too, but let's face it, most communities have 'em!) who get things wrong, make mistakes, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, think bad thoughts and can and do screw up. It took me an awfully long time to realise this and to come to terms with it.

That's so true. One piece of advice is that if you ever find the perfect church, you shouldn't join it, as you will spoil it!

duchy

Nowt as intolerant as an atheist it seems

I grew up within a religiously mixed marriage and any interest I had in religion was firmly squashed..... I don't think my parents wanted me tagged as belonging to either faith as they suffered so much disapproval for marrying out...from both families .

When my son was a toddler I wanted him to have exposure to religion so he could choose for himself rather than not have any points of reference. We started to go to church now and again.....and it was a really positive experience. It was a really family orientated church, Sunday school running for part of the service so the kids were in for a short time then off doing fun activities and back for the end. As a stressed out Mum I found that 45 mins he was occupied and I sat and listened to the service really relaxing lol sometimes I'd listen other times I'd just drift and enjoy the serenity lol

We met some really lovely people with strong family values and genuine friendship .......my son almost accidentally ended up going to the excellent COE primary school attached and when my marriage broke up and later when I was coping with my mum seriously ill and my son who by then was diagnosed with autism the parents of his classmates most of whom went to that church were the most amazingly supportive. Don't think because they go to church it's all serious though .......we've had some great giggles and some very boozy nights out too.

We live in an age where communities aren't close and I do believe the good churches unite people looking for that type of atmosphere. You may need to shop around to find one that suits you but it can be well worth the effort.

seven-day-weekend

Lavendyr wrote: »

OP - really hope that you find a church that suits you. I was brought up atheist and only converted to Christianity as an adult, through attending an Alpha course. I found it so hard to find a church I liked going to. A lot of people seem to think that churches should be full of people who are perfectly good and kind and wonderful. In fact churches are full of normal people (OK, and a few odd fish too, but let's face it, most communities have 'em!) who get things wrong, make mistakes, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, think bad thoughts and can and do screw up. It took me an awfully long time to realise this and to come to terms with it.

The point about Christians and the foundation of Christianity is not that people who are Christians believe they are perfect. It's that they acknowledge that they get a lot of things wrong and that they hope God will help them to try harder to get things right.

I hope that, among the odd fish, you also meet loving, warm people who want to get to know you and your child and bring you into their community. There is a huge amount that goes on in most churches for children and mums. At my church there are lots of single parents and they are actively involved in the community and get lots out of it - as do their children. Regardless of belief, church is a good community, especially for kids, and having been deprived of that community myself as a child, I wish I had had the opportunity to at least explore and understand what faith was about at a younger age. Instead I was poisoned by the views of my family (you can be 'brainwashed' into atheism as easily as you can be brainwashed into theism) and only came to make an informed decision much later in life.

Wish you all the best and hope you find a church that suits you where you feel welcome and comfortable.

Agree absolutely with this post. I had a similar experience.

peachyprice

duchy wrote: »

Nowt as intolerant as an atheist it seems

I grew up within a religiously mixed marriage and any interest I had in religion was firmly squashed..... I don't think my parents wanted me tagged as belonging to either faith as they suffered so much disapproval for marrying out...from both families .

Please don't tar all athesist with the same brush. Tolerance isn't a religious value.

As I mentioned in the Mothering Sunday thread, my DD lead the service at church yesterday for her Discovering Faith guide badge, I stood there proud as any other parent in that church. I joined in with the songs I learned as a child, admittedly I didn't sing the new ones, and didn't join in the prayers. But I had no problem at all attending church for her, if that is what she chooses, then good on her for having the courage to stand up for what she believes.

quinechinoise

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

How do you manage single parenthood in church? What about my son making noise? Am I even allowed, as a single mum? What about a pushchair? I'm really on my own but I'm really quite scared. I was laughed at for wanting to pray when I was younger, for my pets dying and my grandad dying. I don't want my son feeling that.

I'm not sure what faith. I don't know the dress code- dark jeans ok? I don't even know the hymns! Please can anyone help? And please don't mock my novice approach!

My own faith is Anglican or CofE (Church of England). Everyone is welcome to attend an Anglican church, at any time. Depending on location, the local church may well be open 24/7 - particularly the old churches in small villages, so you can pop in for some quiet reflective time on your own.

While it is nice to "dress up" for church - I'm sure you'll recognise the term "Sunday best" - it is not necessary. You can wear whatever you like! (Well, I'm not advocating a swimsuit but jeans are definitely okay!)

Everyone has been a child at some point. And quite a lot of people are parents. The congregation (the people attending the church service) will understand that small children are... well, children! Kids are noisy and babies are fussy. Bring a small toy or book with you, as a distraction, and don't be embarrassed if your child acts like a child. Some churches have toys available for the kids to play with. My local church actually has little "busy bags" made up, which are stored at the back of the hall - parents can just grab a bag at the start of the service and the kids can play with the toys, books and crayons inside. My previous church was a lot smaller and had fewer resources so you had to remember to bring your own stuff.

Some churches will have creches or "Sunday school" classes. It depends on how many kids are in the congregation. If there are a lot of babies, then the odds are quite high that there will be a creche running. If there are a lot of older kids - toddlers to teens - then there will probably be a Sunday school group. It's basically a sort of child-minding facility, for at least part of the church service, so that parents can have a bit of uninterrupted time to concentrate on the service. However, it's okay to accompany younger kids to the Sunday school session - particularly if you have a young or clingy child or if you're new to the church and you/your child is unfamiliar with the Sunday school teacher and need some "settling in" time. Depending on the make up of your local church the creche and/or Sunday school might be run by the vicar's wife, an official family liaison type layman, a team of volunteers (on a rota) or one of the parents. The kids might listen to a simplified bible story, talk about themes (e.g. being kind), do some colouring, craft activities or just playing with toys - depending on the age range catered for.

You don't need to know the hymns or the responses. You will use a hymn book - someone will read out the hymn number and you look it up in the book. There are often service sheets, given out at the beginning, telling you what will happen and you can read the instructions.

At some point during the church service, there will be communion. You don't have to participate - you can remain seated. However, you can get up and join the queue (people will form a line, to take their turn at the front of the church). There will be a place in front of the altar, perhaps with a railing and some cushions, where people take turns kneeling. The vicar and maybe one or two other assistants will stop at each person to offer communion. Just keep your hands behind your back, to indicate that you just want a blessing, and the vicar will give you (and your child) a blessing. The bread/wine is for people who are confirmed - blessings are for everyone though.

If you are interested in other churches... the Methodist service is very similar to the Anglican service. They are very welcoming and remind me of the Episcopal service back home. The Catholic church is a bit different - particularly the responses and the prayers - but if you are unfamiliar with any church services then that won't matter. As with any church, the local priest will be very interested to see you and may suggest visiting you for a friendly chat. The key difference between the Catholic church and Protestant churches (CofE, Methodist, etc) is that kids take communion - they have a First Communion ceremony, at a youngish age - whereas in the Protestant churches, you get confirmed (late teens to adult) before you take communion. Also, if you want to get your child christened, in the Protestant churches you can have non-Protestant godparents but in the Catholic church you must have only Catholic godparents.

There are various other trivial differences between the churches. Mostly to do with what things are called and what the key festivals and services are. If you go to a Protestant church, some of my favourite services, particularly for kids, are the Harvest Festival, the Christingle service, Christmas Eve, Easter, Palm Sunday, etc. Don't worry about regular attendance with a little one. Seriously, it's not a problem being a mom - single or otherwise! Some churches hold family services or events, maybe once a month or less, that are specifically intended to be shorter and more family-friendly. But you are welcome to go to any service - with your child - and participate as much as you feel comfortable.

As a tip, if your local church - CofE or RC - holds multiple services on a Sunday, then the very early one will be a no-frills very serious service (usually much older folks), the mid-morning normal time will be the regular service (suitable for families) and the evening service will be a short service (again, generally older folks).

Oh, before I forget, I've mostly talked about "traditional" churches. There are also modern churches - if you don't recognise the name or if it has something like "community church" in the name, then it's probably a modern one. They are sometimes smaller and often younger. They are unlikely to adhere to traditional practices and might suit you if you like less conventional services.

There are also the evangelical churches - the Baptist church or any church mentioning "evangelical". They are sort-of traditional with a modern twist, if that makes sense. A bit noisier and more interesting hymns! (I don't think we have anything over here that replicates the American churches in the films but evangelical comes as close as us stuffy Brits can. lol)

And... I guess I should mention such churches as the Mormons (LDS), Jehovah's Witnesses, etc. Those are established churches but they require upfront serious commitment. I strongly recommend you do not go to one of those churches without researching it and thinking about it. The services are significantly different. And the customs and practices are typically unique. Being a single mom will not be, like, held against you in any way. No church will do that! You will be welcomed wherever you end up. However, those types of churches will have expectations of your... future relationships.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy essay! Really hope it helps. x

vickiem30

Hi op

I'm not going to get into the religion/ no religion debate. I'm just going to say, you are the child's mother and you know what is best for them. If you think going to a church is right for your child, then have a look around the different churches and see which one is right for you. Perhaps, have a chat with the minister and think about going to a coffee morning, or an Easter fair. These events are usually very informal and will give you a chance to chat to people. I go to the local local Methodist church, as I like the non-conformist churches.

GlasweJen

I used to go to Quaker meetings, they were lovely!

The kids went in a room beside the Meeting Room, Meeting lasted for roughly an hour and basically you'd sit in chairs around a centre table with something on it (usually flowers or a candle). Things would be silent but people would stand up and speak if they felt moved - sometimes they read a bible verse, sometimes update on the status of a spiritual journey or sometimes to just pray aloud. 50 mins in the kids would file quietly into the room and sit on the floor in front of the table. Meeting ends when the elders shake hands, everyone shakes hands then we went downstairs for lunch (soup, bread and cheese).

As the new person loads of people would invite me to sit at their table, they were a really friendly bunch with loads going on - singing group, AIDS fundraisers, Supporting various local charities and lots of coffee mornings for mums, pensioners tea mornings and things like that.

I moved home after Uni and never got back to going to meetings but Quakers are definitely not all that "hard core" and the one hour of quiet is just bliss.

tea_lover

As others have said, lots of churches have parent/toddler groups which could be a great way to get a feel for a place and see if it's somewhere you and your little one might like to spend some time.

I've been to various churches over the years and none of them have ever had a dress code (although one of them was freezing so thermals were a good idea!)

I hope you find somewhere you enjoy, and make some new friends

jackyann

Whilst I agree that careful consideration is needed for what I think of as the "signing up" churches: JW, Mormon, Brethren etc. I really wouldn't put Quakers in the same sentence!
They are very open & welcoming, tolerant of all shades of views (you don't have to have any particular faith at all)
Having said that, I would think OP would be happiest in her local church, being part of the community

heartbreak_star

Brainwashed into atheism...much lolz had there. Haven't heard of anything quite so brainwashy as the Alpha course in a long time!

Definitely agree that avoiding the "signing up" churches are the way forward though. Our local Methodist church that I was taken to as a child was very relaxed and informal. The current vicar from there did both my Grandmother's and my Dad's funerals, and she was such a lovely person

HBS x