Feeling very frustrated (rant)

aileth

londonsurrey wrote: »

If you look at his situation, can you see what might have possibly nudged him in this direction? Did he have a parent with this empty void in them? Were they low intelligence, and just provided him with the basics of living? Did he not respect their life and try to get away from it? etc, etc.

His dad is exactly the same with technology and what not, except he has a career, has worked his backside off and can afford new gizmos.

He moved out fairly early and I think his upbringing was 'varied' to use a polite term.

If he puts his mind to things, he can accomplish a lot, but getting him to put his mind to things is the problem. He can be extremely proud when he wants to, like getting a new phone and ensuring he gets it out every two seconds when a new person enters the room so they can see it and bestow him with praise (or whatever?)

So maybe in the end he is just looking for a pat on the head, if you apply for a new job and get it people will be very enthusiastic, and it's only if you start going into years of service in double figures that it will impress people sticking at a job really (Which I would be surprised if that ever happened).

I worked very hard to get us a pretty decent car, but I always catch him looking at bangers on auto trader to 'pimp' and 'do up' despite us having no on street parking and a 1 car drive. I suppose it all comes back to The Next Big Thing!

Joons

Aileth, you sound like a very intelligent lady and funny so if anyone can sort him out, it's you!

Sommer43

Hum...

My son ( and bearing in mind his age, 23) is very much like this. He flunked school, he worked for a council for a time and then decided he "didn't like being told what to do" and has for the last four years become a self-employed "IT consultant" I have helped him out and helped him out. Unfortunately, WTSHTF it came about he was not acutally doing anything. He was reading books autobiographies by well-known entrepeneurs and become a "Walter Mitty" character whereby he was going to have a company and he would be a millionaire before he was 40.

Until, the SRHTF just after Christmas, when I found him out with some huge whoppers of lies. He was massively in debt, which I have refused to pay off, he is now on a DMP with a debt charity and the only way I will help him out is with some home-cooked meals taken to him to feed himself. He's living on the breadline and rightly so. He's spent thousands on gadgets, racked up payday loans galore and borrowed money from friends and family. It's been tough, his girlfriend has stood by him (she's fabulous and is on a sholarship with a guaranteed job at the end of her PHD) he's learned the hard way that the only way to get anywhere in life is to work. He got carried away with an image and began to believe it.

OP, despite your husband's dreams and course after course, I would be waving the big stick. Telling him to get off his backside and get a job doing whatever, it doesn't matter. Once he's got the finances together for his courses (many of which lead people to believe that there will be fantastic jobs at the end of them) then do the courses.

He's an adult, he needs to find a platform to build from, were I in your shoes, I would wave the big stick and tell him to stop living in fantasy land and face his duties as a husband. To share the burden of living with his wife. I don't like my work at times, but as the main earner, it is my responsibility to bring in money to pay our way. That's what I signed up for when I married my medically retired husband.

Aileth, I think you have the patience of a saint. You sound great and I hope your husband realises what a gem he has in you. Time to get that big stick out.

aileth

Wow thank you very much every one. Watch out if I take the stick literally, you'll probably see me in tomorrow's papers!

Tish_P

Just a thought -

I know lots of couples where both people are striving, ambitious go-getters. It has its plus points, but also drawbacks - arguments and compromises about how best to further one career vs. the other, where to live, how and if and when to have and raise children.

Perhaps if you can get some of the most annoying aspects of the situation sorted out or limited - e.g. if he has a specific, negotiated amount per month that goes to his Shiny Things Fund or is earmarked for his career development - then you could both relax a bit and appreciate each other? There are advantages to being an easygoing, not-too-driven sort, and certainly advantages to having an easygoing, not-too-driven partner.

Perhaps some of the things you love most about him are the flip side of these same personality traits? I read somewhere "the things that make you awesome are also the things that make you suck" and although not exactly poetic, I find it quite profound and it often helps me when I'm driven to near despair by someone I love to bits.

londonsurrey

aileth wrote: »

His dad is exactly the same with technology and what not, except he has a career, has worked his backside off and can afford new gizmos.

He moved out fairly early and I think his upbringing was 'varied' to use a polite term.

If he puts his mind to things, he can accomplish a lot, but getting him to put his mind to things is the problem. He can be extremely proud when he wants to, like getting a new phone and ensuring he gets it out every two seconds when a new person enters the room so they can see it and bestow him with praise (or whatever?)

So maybe in the end he is just looking for a pat on the head, if you apply for a new job and get it people will be very enthusiastic, and it's only if you start going into years of service in double figures that it will impress people sticking at a job really (Which I would be surprised if that ever happened).

I worked very hard to get us a pretty decent car, but I always catch him looking at bangers on auto trader to 'pimp' and 'do up' despite us having no on street parking and a 1 car drive. I suppose it all comes back to The Next Big Thing!

One possibility is that he just has less staying power than his father and sibling.

Another possibility is that ironically, he has innately more potential than them. However, if all his models when growing up told him that success was marked solely by material goods and display to society(that's why I was asking about Argos and Pop Tarts), then his intelligence tells him that this is silly, it's not fully satisfying, and he wants more, but he's unable to realise it as he's not yet come to the conclusion that what he's looking for is not acquisition for display, which is the only arena he's been taught to look in.

One quick test to see which camp he tends towards is how well he handles delayed gratification and responsibility. Does he do things that he knows are wrong and then try to cutesy his way out, or does he not repeat them? Is he overweight? If he is, does he try to blame someone else for it? And when things go wrong, does he try to blame it on something other than himself?

morganedge

aileth wrote: »

I suppose that's better than "I don't need one because I'm going to be a wizard this year."

ha! You're funny I hope I meet a girl like you one day.

I don't have any advice, but I do kind of sympathise with your boyfriend.
I'm around the same age, and it's not nice being 30 and going nowhere in life. You look around , and most of your friends are earning about 5 times your salary with luxurious lifestyles, and you really can't see a way out. I've never had a clue what I wanted to do with my life in terms of a career, and I don't think I ever will. As a result, I go from low-paid job to low-paid job. Some days I feel I can grin and bear it, and some days (like today), I hope to get hit by a train!

At least it sounds like he has some ambition (albeit slightly misguided). Your description of him reminds me of people I used to know who I always thought of as 'dreamers'. That can be a good thing to an extent, but I guess he needs to really research and make sure that his next intended path is a good fit, and for him to realise that the opportunity cost combined with the costs of the various courses all adds up.

dreaming

When I read this I could hardly believe it as this mirrors almost exactly my husband (now ex!) and his attitude to work. Although he always did work he changed his job a lot. At one point in his mid-thirties he had had over 20 jobs.
Although we have now split up it wasn't really the cause - more his whole attitude to life and money which caused me a lot of pain.
I think the crux of the matter is not how he is, or how you are (or your families) but how you are together - if you see what I mean. If you can cope with probably always being the "sensible" one then it shouldn't matter too much if he is less sensible. As it seems to be causing you some stress then I would take time to work out what YOU want for yourself, rather than what you want him to do, or be.

Purleygirl

He could have ADHD, it's not just a childhood thing, it continues into adulthood and can result in many job changes. There's plenty of info out there for coping strategies for you and for him. Just a thought

piglet25

Agree with Purleygirl, it crossed my mind as I was reading through this. Might be worth looking into xx