Feeling very frustrated (rant)

aileth

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'm concerned that he doesn't even respect the money spent enough to at least finish the course, even if he flunks it.

Is he very much into The Next New Thing, be it the next phone, tv, game, gadget, hobby, that according to him is terribly wonderfully good, and life is incomplete without it?

Yes, very much so. If I wasn't such a raven on the spending, we'd probably have a 10 foot tv which gives you a massage and a phone that teleports you to Hawaii. His brother has just got into his career (younger) and who is slowly climbing the ladder, is now able to afford all sorts of whozawatsits and thingamamobs and likes to flaunt them, so that doesn't help.

I do wonder whether he has dreams at night that he's a corporate IT manager or an alchemist and wakes up in the morning and thinks it's a bloody good idea, time to get the course in and look for another job.

londonsurrey

aileth wrote: »

Yes, very much so. If I wasn't such a raven on the spending, we'd probably have a 10 foot tv which gives you a massage and a phone that teleports you to Hawaii. His brother has just got into his career (younger) and who is slowly climbing the ladder, is now able to afford all sorts of whozawatsits and thingamamobs and likes to flaunt them, so that doesn't help.

I do wonder whether he has dreams at night that he's a corporate IT manager or an alchemist and wakes up in the morning and thinks it's a bloody good idea, time to get the course in and look for another job.

I sympathise about the younger brother, although it's your husband's fault for just seeing the gadgets and going "I want! Waaaah!", rather than "Ooooh, that's how you get the gadgets".

I'd guess that your husband is perceived as a nice chap, gets on with most people.

The flipside is that he's easygoing because he's happy to give way, because he's not passionate enough about much to fight for it, the exception being The Next New Thing (TNNT). He probably feels empty inside, doesn't even realise it, but does know that shopping for these wonderful things make him feel good. You'll note that he puts up a good fight for TNNT.

It's the selling of it, the seduction of him to it, not the actual thing, that gives him that temporary feel good buzz (which is why they're all discarded so easily and oh look, there's the next thing that Has To Be Got. He's effectively a shopaholic, just not the girly-shopping-for-her-2000th-unworn-pair of-shoes-way.

z.n

Someone I know very well didn't 'grow up' work-wise until he was 32. His spouse was very well paid at the time so there was no pressure to do anything other than very basic work and fail various courses due to lack of effort/enthusiasm.

It was only when TSHTF (imminent arrival of first child/maternity leave) that the true extent of adult responsibility hit. From being asked 'do you really wish to continue doing this course, your interests might lie elsewhere' to A grades in everything and professional qualification took about the time it takes to pee on a stick (not literally, but YKWIM).

It isn't what he originally intended to do, and he would have been capable of many things- it was just the thing on the go at the relevant time and he decided to stick with it. He is a very reliable, loyal and b.....y hard worker- he just took a bit longer to find his motivation- providing for his family.

aileth

londonsurrey wrote: »

I sympathise about the younger brother, although it's your husband's fault for just seeing the gadgets and going "I want! Waaaah!", rather than "Ooooh, that's how you get the gadgets".

I'd guess that your husband is perceived as a nice chap, gets on with most people.

The flipside is that he's easygoing because he's happy to give way, because he's not passionate enough about much to fight for it, the exception being The Next New Thing (TNNT). He probably feels empty inside, doesn't even realise it, but does know that shopping for these wonderful things make him feel good. You'll note that he puts up a good fight for TNNT.

It's the selling of it, the seduction of him to it, not the actual thing, that gives him that temporary feel good buzz (which is why they're all discarded so easily and oh look, there's the next thing that Has To Be Got. He's effectively a shopaholic, just not the girly-shopping-for-her-2000th-unworn-pair of-shoes-way.

Wow hole in one! That really feels like the situation in a nutshell to a really great extent.

heartbreak_star

aileth wrote: »

If I wasn't such a raven on the spending, we'd probably have a 10 foot tv which gives you a massage and a phone that teleports you to Hawaii.

I do apologise for detracting from the issue, but this did make me chuckle

HBS x

aileth

z.n wrote: »

Someone I know very well didn't 'grow up' work-wise until he was 32. His spouse was very well paid at the time so there was no pressure to do anything other than very basic work and fail various courses due to lack of effort/enthusiasm.

It was only when TSHTF (imminent arrival of first child/maternity leave) that the true extent of adult responsibility hit. From being asked 'do you really wish to continue doing this course, your interests might lie elsewhere' to A grades in everything and professional qualification took about the time it takes to pee on a stick (not literally, but YKWIM).

It isn't what he originally intended to do, and he would have been capable of many things- it was just the thing on the go at the relevant time and he decided to stick with it. He is a very reliable, loyal and b.....y hard worker- he just took a bit longer to find his motivation- providing for his family.

Well I have to say it has crossed my mind that because I am able to support him that way he feels he is able to flit about, as I know before he met me he really really was on the breadline (and probably living on only bread) but stuck out what was a really horrific job, and I know the job he has currently is like bl**dy child's play comparatively.

I certainly don't plan to stop doing what I do any time soon, I just wish I had a big career stick that I could slap him with and he could find something he wants to work at rather than being jack of all trades master of none, and no worry of me at home waiting for the, "I hate my job. I think I'll just apply to X, Y Z, and I've seen a course for X..."

I do however know that he feels pretty rubbish himself that he is going to be 30 and he has no career or plan in life. I can only help so much in that though!

londonsurrey

aileth wrote: »

Wow hole in one! That really feels like the situation in a nutshell to a really great extent.

If you look at his situation, can you see what might have possibly nudged him in this direction? Did he have a parent with this empty void in them? Were they low intelligence, and just provided him with the basics of living? When Pop Tarts came on the market, did pop tarts automatically appear in their kitchen, together with any new heavily advertised cereal/snack on tv, with the "in" foot massager for this Christmas, all the kids looked in the Argos catalogue for their Christmas present, etc? Did he not respect their life and try to get away from it? etc, etc.

DS4215

If he finds a new course that he wants to do, how about looking into doing it at the local college rather than buying an expensive course that he probably won't complete. It might be cheaper and having to go every week could keep his interest...

Joons

aileth wrote: »

Wow hole in one! That really feels like the situation in a nutshell to a really great extent.

londonsurrey is my fav for excellent advice!

londonsurrey

Wow. That's very kind of you, Joons.