How to have a talk without turning into a fight

Skint_yet_Again

Maybe just a short note something like "can we sit down tonight and talk about XXXX "

Then maybe each of you can write down your views on the subject in advance and this may help you to put your views across in a non confrontational manner

For example I gave my DS a note to say I needed to talk to him about the dishwasher. We then sat down later and I said something like

"I need your help with the dishwasher because of my back pain but you are not emptying it often enough and dirty dishes are being left on the worktop for several days"

He then said - I hate doing the dishwasher and you go on and on about it and it makes me not want to do it

Now I wanted to say - "I only go on and on about it because YOU dont do it the first time I ask you" but this would have ended up in an arguement ....

so I suggested - what if I let you know when the diswasher is ready to be emptied only once and then put a note on the dishwasher saying "empty me please" so it will remind you next time you go into the kitchen. I really need your help with this"

This has worked so far !

I hope I dont come across as patronising, its not my intention. I know my circumstances are not the same as yours. Just I know its not easy,but eventually you will recognise things that will trigger an arguement and come to ways to resolve issues

Good luck x

Lara44

Nice advice from ValHaller. I have the same dynamic in my relationship and need to consciously 'back off' a lot.

When we have problems there is usually some pragmatic issue at the centre of it, and then lots of layers of emotion around it. Before talking about it I need to peel the onion a bit (like skint yet again) and be ready with some pragmatic suggestions to try to resolve the problem. There is an acknowledgement of feelings of course, but they do not drive the discussion. For example, my OH works a lot and it does upset me at times. I've accepted that this is part of who he is. I try to find out if the over-work is coming from enjoyment or stress, and if he wants to talk about it. Rather than framing work as a problem that he needs to solve, I try to suggest that we increase our time together. I suggest we should schedule X Y and Z and that he comes up with some suggestions too. This isn't a problem that can ever be resolved completely, but two different perspectives that need to be managed.

This is useful for resolving day to day things, but less useful about big clashes of values. There we try to work out who cares most. For example when we do a clear out I try to Freecycle, recycle or charity shop everything, which annoys OH who would much prefer to dump it in the bin. But he recognises that it's really important to me, and part of my values, and not important to him so he compromises. Then the problem is that one person compromises a lot more than the other - still working on that one!

victory

Sometimes it's the way the question is worded.... "Would you mind stopping for a moment, do you have a moment, rather than "you and I are going to talk now, sit down now type of thing.

I find scheduling, a warning text of an impending chat works or " when this TV show has finished or after your shower eat do you have a moment.....

Some mental rehearsed ideas are also very useful so you don't stutter, mumble, go off track, don't waffle, bring up other subjects, stick to the point in hand, if you make it into an attack zone, you are nothing but useless etc, you always do or say this or that then defences are going to go up and ears are going to close down:D

Dunroamin

I've always found these "we need to talk" situations frequently lead to rows and are best avoided.

nzmegs

try agreeing to stick one and just one topic for the duration of the talk. No going back to old arguments.

Emails are often useful too.

Also asking a question or stating a problem and then saying you don't want an answer or a response until the next day. This gives him time to digest it, get less defensive and come up with some good solutions. You will also have the time to think on your issue and come up with some good ideas too.

turtlemoose

Nottoobadyet, try your local surestart centre for couples counselling. Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to have children or be on benefits to access their services.

The government put a budget in place for couples/family counselling services to be provided there a couple of years ago - the idea being that spending NOW on keeping relationships together works out cheaper in the long run rather than separated households both end up on benefits etc that sort of thing (ok I've been a bit sweeping there but you get the gist!)

turtlemoose

Forgot to add, it's free.

Sommer43

fluffnutter wrote: »

Arguing well (discussing's probably a better term!) is a skill that can be learnt, just like all skills. You both recognise that you don't discuss things well which is a bonus - usually one person thinks the other's terrible whilst they're great at it.

I'd say do one of two things - either accept that this is what you're like or learn how to discuss things in a more constructive way. If you choose the latter, then counselling's the way to go, either separately or, even better, together.

Once you've learnt the techniques you've got to apply them. You've got to practise and not slip into your old passive-aggressive ways. This is easier said than done but not impossible.

Love this statement. It's absolutely true. In fact, I am having a discussion about this right now with my adored husband. OP, we are the same. Communicating is a skill and to argue a point is a skill.

I have this awful habit of saying "Well, it's all my fault then and this conversation is now over" We stare at each other like two opposing countries ready for battle. We are own armies.

And we have always done it and we always will. But we are getting better. I can sense his triggers and he can sense mine.

You've just got to learn how to handle him and he how to handle you. My hubbie is a spender and then rages when the credit card bill comes through. Then when I make him look at the statement, and add it up before I swiftly pay it, he calms down. He told me last week, that I have to have a shower before I begin work as me sitting in my office in my pyjamas is the reason I am cold and need the heating on. I say "Who died and made you my boss, like?" and off we go again. (I work from home)

OP, I hope you don't take offence, but your post made me smile. Fluffnutter's comment has had me asking myself why I didn't come up this one first.

Mojisola

Sommer43 wrote: »

He told me last week, that I have to have a shower before I begin work as me sitting in my office in my pyjamas is the reason I am cold and need the heating on. I say "Who died and made you my boss, like?" and off we go again.

(I work from home)

I'm glad you clarified that!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sommer43

Hahaha, Mojisola,

It's a good job I did. The wonders of domestic bliss. Learning to handle those little quirks. Like me going to work in my pyjamas because am not allowed the heating on for longer than an hour. Sheesh. I love him, but he's a right sod for switches and turning them all off and moans constantly about the utility bills, as though he's the only person in the country who has to deal with large prices. He carries on as though he invented the news. But, I still adore him even when he's being difficult.

I feel for the OP, but I do think these conversations whereby "We need to have a talk" can set the stall that it is going to be a difficult conversation. Your problem seems to be you both struggle to communicate with each other. It's that you both need to work and once you cleared this hurdle, then you will be able to communicate. It's a rough one, but I struggled to communicate anything to my husband, I blame his mother, who spoils him rotten and has never challenged him, so when he is challenged he feels insulted.