How to have a talk without turning into a fight

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You have to learn what works. I'm probably going to be shot down for this but hey ho. I make decisions pretty quickly, not always the right decision granted, but I like to act fast rather than wait on stuff.

My husband can't and won't. In the early years I couldn't understand why he couldn't and didn't allow him thinking time.... I would get impatient and it would lead to a big row.

I learnt over the years (and we're only talking 10 here) that if I want to win (yes, just chastise me here) I say what I'm thinking and what I would want to do. And then leave him. As hard as it is, I give him space and thinking time.

He usually comes back to me with, yup that's a great idea and let's go for it. Not always, but more chance than rushing him.

You just need to work out what works, it's a strategy, and then implement it.

Geez,... I make it sound like it's a project at work! speaking of, must get back.....

Mojisola

Sommer43 wrote: »

I feel for the OP, but I do think these conversations whereby "We need to have a talk" can set the stall that it is going to be a difficult conversation. Your problem seems to be you both struggle to communicate with each other. It's that you both need to work and once you cleared this hurdle, then you will be able to communicate.

It's a rough one, but I struggled to communicate anything to my husband, I blame his mother, who spoils him rotten and has never challenged him, so when he is challenged he feels insulted.

This is a good point - when people "over-react", it's often because they are extra-sensitive because of what has happened in the past.

One of my friends had to be super-careful for the first few years of a new relationship not to say the kind of things his ex used to go on and on about. She used to say to him - I'm not her and I just want to talk about this - but certain things triggered an emotional response and he just couldn't think rationally once that had happened.

Another friend is living with a "spoilt son" and he reacts like a toddler when challenged!

Tigsteroonie

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Maybe I can find a way to make it seem less formal and more communicative.

How about having the conversation somewhere/sometime else?

In our house, there are often too many distractions for a sensible 'discussion'. So I've found that we have the best discussions when we are out, sat on the train on the way to or from an evening out or across a neutral dinner table in a restaurant. We both seem to be calmer, more able to focus on the matter in hand, and more prepared to listen to what the other has to say.

It's less formal than actual counselling, which could create a pressured situation.

Sommer43

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

It's less formal than actual counselling, which could create a pressured situation.

This. Bang on. I don't think counselling is the answer to everything. This couple could have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

Plain old communication and both need to learn to communicate with each other. No matter how good they are communicating with other people.

Mojisola

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

So I've found that we have the best discussions when we are out, sat on the train on the way to or from an evening out or across a neutral dinner table in a restaurant. We both seem to be calmer, more able to focus on the matter in hand, and more prepared to listen to what the other has to say.

Talking while walking works well.

In some cases, a "talking stick" or similar also puts an element of control on the conversation.

Gloomendoom

Mojisola wrote: »

This is a good point - when people "over-react", it's often because they are extra-sensitive because of what has happened in the past.

One of my friends had to be super-careful for the first few years of a new relationship not to say the kind of things his ex used to go on and on about. She used to say to him - I'm not her and I just want to talk about this - but certain things triggered an emotional response and he just couldn't think rationally once that had happened.

My ex used to leave letters propped up against the kettle listing everything she was unhappy about. Some were pages long!

My heart still sinks whenever I see a note left by my wife. Unfortunately, sometimes it's the only way to communicate with me as I don't 'do' mobile phones.

kwmlondon

Wow, I'm impressed with your self awareness and your drive to find a solution. Me and parter have our moments, although they tend to go the opposite way as in HE becomes sullen and non-communicative and I end up badgering to get a resolution. It's never pleasant but we try to keep reinforcing what the objective is.

I've got a few ideas that you could mull over:
1. It's good to have a clear objective, or even say "let's just work out what the problem is, don't try to find a solution" so if you start going off-subject then the other can just say "that's a different problem, let's come back to that" without feeling like you have to deal with anything. Mull it over, and come back to the problem you've agreed is the problem you're going to solve.
2. Get out of the house. When we've had our REALLY big problems I've said "right, let's go out and go for a walk or have a drink in the pub" and it's removed us from the location. Can help a bit.
3. Some friends of ours have come up with the idea of MOT's every month or two. You know when you have had a small set-to about something? Nothing important, but you can't seem to let it go? If you mention it again it's clear you've been thinking about it and you feel like and obsessive or nagger, so every couple of months, when they're feeling okay they bring these things up without recriminations and not because they're feeling angry or defensive. It means they defuse a lot of potential flash points so when they disagree over something big there aren't lots of small niggles that crop up. I'm going to try that with the other half.

FattyBettyBoo

ME and OH are experiencing something similar at the moment. The moment an issue crops up (which isn't often to be fair) i get upset and he gets angry. The more upset I get the more angry he gets and the more angry he gets the more upset I get.

In the end something small turns into a major drama.

Now I try to start conversations with "I don't want this to turn into and argument but ...". I try to keep calm and not get upset, and if the conversation starts heading down the route, walk away and let him think about what I've said. I've found that sometimes saying what the problem is, then giving him a while to consider his side, works quite well as answers are honest and not in the heat of the moment.

TimBear

Something I came across once is if either of you feels you have an issue with something, write it down and leave it for 24 hours. Go back to it then next day and if it's still an issue you agree to talk it through; if it's not an issue any more then just forget about it. This would help with bickering over little things that in the grand scheme of it don't even matter.

With regards to actually talking, I second the suggestion of meeting in a neutral place. When you're in public (coffee shop or whatever), I think you'd be more conscious of what you're saying. You wouldn't want to raise your voice at each other etc (or at least, I wouldn't), and maybe help keep things calm?

Joons

I have the same problem at times with my partner, I do think it's the way I come across, he says I am very critical, I see it as being straight to the point and not skirting! You may have to accept that is just the way you two are.

You express yourself so well, I'm surprised you can't get through to him but if he's a bit stubborn, he'll dig his heels in. If the conversation is not about anything too serious, let it go, sorry, not really helpful advice, but you are not alone if that helps.