How to have a talk without turning into a fight

jenhug

Hubby and I have had some legendary rows, he is as stubborn as an ox and if he thinks he is being "challenged" he just shuts down and there is no talking to him. I blame his mum, who used to scream like a banshee and could make arguing an olympic sport, he learned to ignore a woman from a young age!

Now, I say to him "I am going to say something, it doesn't need an answer right now and I would like you to think about it before you respond" I say my piece, and when he has had time to think about it (usually a good 24 hours, he is a slow thinker! ) He comes back with a response. Generally then we can work out a resolution, and he is more likely to agree with my way of thinking as he hasn't been made to feel like he is locking horns with his mother!

ValHaller

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

.... Now I try to start conversations with "I don't want this to turn into and argument but ...". I try to keep calm and not get upset, and if the conversation starts heading down the route, walk away and let him think about what I've said. I've found that sometimes saying what the problem is, then giving him a while to consider his side, works quite well as answers are honest and not in the heat of the moment.

I think your start to a conversation could go very wrong for some people. But the idea of stating an issue without demanding an answer or agreement and coming back to it later and asking for thoughts on the topic will be helpful in a lot of situations

System

This thread makes interesting reading. I've only had a few minor arguments with my bf (and 2 major ones-both my fault as i got drunk and was a !!!!! ) but i still find it hard not to assume the worst when it happens. Basicially with my ex we had blazing rows, all the time (god knows why we stayed together 3 1/2 years), which often culminated in him screaming abuse at me/dumping me/sulking/reducing me to tears/etc anjd ever since then i've just tended to avoid anything which may cause an arguement. But i i'm slowly coming round to the idea that disagreements, as long as you can talk and resolve them, aren't always the worst thing and i don't think many relationships have none at all.

meritaten

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Ladies and gents, my OH is a catch. He's supportive, funny, sexy and brave. He's interesting and gentle. He works incredibly hard. He doesn't mind that I have a bigger motorcycle than he does. He treats me with respect and tells me I'm beautiful even when I wake up looking like poo. He can't cook or pick gifts to save his life but is a great dancer

So now that that's out there to calm the "leave him this moment!" brigade, I need some grown up advice.

Every time I try to have a "talk" we end up squabbling when its entirely unnecessary. Everything he or I want to say comes out wrong and is received wrong. Little quibbles about money or plans turn into sullen rows. Tricks like starting with "I feel" sentences dont seem to work - we just both have our feet in our mouths. In the end we never seem to settle on anything, instead we just get upset.

I feel that we communicate pretty well the rest of the time, but confrontation just shuts those skills down. We both suffer from bouts of depression, though have both been better recently.

We're both at a bit of a loss - I was in a very long relationship before where we never fought, but also never addressed any problems so that wasn't really better. He's never had a relationship of more than a few months so hasn't really had to do this before.

would really appreciate any sage wisdom from the forum crowd.

NBTY x

I think the word 'confrontation' pretty much sums up why you 'fight'.
can you not 'discuss' instead? and starting a sentence 'I feel......' doesn't always take away from an accusation of something. if you say 'I feel really annoyed when you............' it will put the other person on the defensive.
why not start with the word 'Why'? as in Why did you do that/say that? and try to sound inquisitive not accusatory!
Sometimes, with the best will in the world - 'discussions' can lead to fights - what is important is that you can make up and sort things out! People do argue and fight - its the way its dealt with which is important.

ValHaller

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

But i i'm slowly coming round to the idea that disagreements, as long as you can talk and resolve them, aren't always the worst thing and i don't think many relationships have none at all.

You are on to something, Disagreements when well handled and properly resolved are the most constructive things going.

It takes 2 of course, but every time is is better to resolve a disagreement which is there to be had rather than avoid expressing the disagreement.

belfastgirl23

Do you both feel the need to win/ be right? Sometimes I find its easier to focus on the long goal (ie the relationship itself) than the short goal of being right. This is in part because DH has to be right at the time of the argument and he will go on and on which winds me up even more. And if I can, right at the start before I get more than mildly irritated, I try to consciously think 'is it more important to me to be right and have a row or can I let this go'? Sometimes it is important enough to have the row btw The good thing is that in this scenario once he has calmed down he can (in a roundabout way) admit if I had a point but if it escalates he'll never manage that.

The other thing I really try to do although I don't always succeed is to listen behind the words. So to try to get DH to acknowledge he's tetchy because of something unrelated to us and his grumpiness is actually stress related and he's overreacting. And to acknowledge the same myself. This is rather than jumping to respond to the words, especially if the response would be defensive 'well I might not have emptied the dishwasher but I've...<<insert lengthy grump about all the stuff I've done>>'

There is hope though, it took us 10 years or so to accept each others huffing times