How to have a talk without turning into a fight

Nottoobadyet

Ladies and gents, my OH is a catch. He's supportive, funny, sexy and brave. He's interesting and gentle. He works incredibly hard. He doesn't mind that I have a bigger motorcycle than he does. He treats me with respect and tells me I'm beautiful even when I wake up looking like poo. He can't cook or pick gifts to save his life but is a great dancer

So now that that's out there to calm the "leave him this moment!" brigade, I need some grown up advice.

Every time I try to have a "talk" we end up squabbling when its entirely unnecessary. Everything he or I want to say comes out wrong and is received wrong. Little quibbles about money or plans turn into sullen rows. Tricks like starting with "I feel" sentences dont seem to work - we just both have our feet in our mouths. In the end we never seem to settle on anything, instead we just get upset.

I feel that we communicate pretty well the rest of the time, but confrontation just shuts those skills down. We both suffer from bouts of depression, though have both been better recently.

We're both at a bit of a loss - I was in a very long relationship before where we never fought, but also never addressed any problems so that wasn't really better. He's never had a relationship of more than a few months so hasn't really had to do this before.

would really appreciate any sage wisdom from the forum crowd.

NBTY x

fluffnutter

Arguing well (discussing's probably a better term!) is a skill that can be learnt, just like all skills. You both recognise that you don't discuss things well which is a bonus - usually one person thinks the other's terrible whilst they're great at it.

I'd say do one of two things - either accept that this is what you're like or learn how to discuss things in a more constructive way. If you choose the latter, then counselling's the way to go, either separately or, even better, together.

Once you've learnt the techniques you've got to apply them. You've got to practise and not slip into your old passive-aggressive ways. This is easier said than done but not impossible.

Brighton_belle

Google "non violent communication" (don't be put off by the word 'violent' it is about day to day good communictation). It's an org set up to help people communicate more effectively in their relationships with others (not just sexual ones). You might get some good tips. I appreciate you are not in the uk so may not be able to take advantage of the courses on offer but there may be plenty of other stuff online.

You might also be interested in reading a basic guide to Transactional Analysis (well known book is called 'I'm ok, you're ok') which looks at how we relate to others in adult or child mode: this may help you stay in 'adult mode' when he sinks in to 'child offended mode' (these are offical terms for TA and not meant in a derogatory way by me)

Hope that helps

CH27

What do you ''talk'' about? Is it the same topic causing the same arguments?

ValHaller

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

He doesn't mind that I have a bigger motorcycle than he does.

Every time I try to have a "talk" we end up squabbling when its entirely unnecessary. Everything he or I want to say comes out wrong and is received wrong. Little quibbles about money or plans turn into sullen rows. Tricks like starting with "I feel" sentences dont seem to work - we just both have our feet in our mouths. In the end we never seem to settle on anything, instead we just get upset.

I feel that we communicate pretty well the rest of the time, but confrontation just shuts those skills down. We both suffer from bouts of depression, though have both been better recently.

We're both at a bit of a loss - I was in a very long relationship before where we never fought, but also never addressed any problems so that wasn't really better. He's never had a relationship of more than a few months so hasn't really had to do this before.

It's good that you have a balanced view about this and accept that you are not faultless.

Counselling, together, seems to be the way forward. Do you think you could get him to buy into this?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

What's the elephant in the room that both of you are skirting round?

I went on a trip with a couple who are friends of mine and they squabbled incessantly the whole way there and back - it's all good natured but they are both pretty passionate people. I ended up having to say each time 'You're both right, you just see it from different angles' 'You're both right, in different ways' etc etc etc. It's now become a catchphrase at their house apparently.

pigpen

How about just not arguing? If he wants to pick at minor bits in your side of it calmly say.. 'We will come back to this when you can be rational' and refuse to discuss it at that time.

Or you take 5-15 minutes each to state your case, the other is to sit in silence.. no tutting or head shaking or huffing and listen then you swap over.. then a further 15 minutes to consider all points then 15 minutes each to discuss what you think would be the way forward. It does mean each step of the discussion takes an hour but it is much better than sniping and whining at each other and achieving nothing.

My relationship sounds like your last one.. nothing gets resolved because nothing gets discussed so nothing changes. I just feel awful, like I am picking on him constantly.. stuff like.. don't stand the 2 y/o in the road it takes a second for her to move and get run over.. I feel bad mentioning it, but of course it has to be said.

Skint_yet_Again

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

........You are a catch. You are supportive, funny, sexy and brave, interesting and gentle. You works incredibly hard. You don't mind that I have a bigger motorcycle than your. You treat me with respect and tell me I'm beautiful even when I wake up looking like poo. You are great dancer

Every time we try to have a "talk" we end up squabbling when its entirely unnecessary. Everything you or I want to say comes out wrong and is received wrong. Little quibbles about money or plans turn into sullen rows. Tricks like starting with "I feel" sentences dont seem to work - we just both have our feet in our mouths. In the end we never seem to settle on anything, instead we just get upset.

We communicate pretty well the rest of the time, but confrontation just shuts those skills down. We're both at a bit of a loss

You have spoken to us so eloquently that its a shame you cant do the same with your OH. I have amended your quote above - perhaps you should print off something similar and give it to him. Maybe add a bit about if either of you wants to "discuss" anything you put it in a note so that the other can consider a response and write something down so it doesnt "come out wrong" or end up in an arguement.

I know its not quite the same circumstances but I had to do this with my DS when he was 14 /15 yo and I went to non violent resistance training to help also. Its all about finding ways to communicate. He is now 17yo and whilst I cant say there are never any arguements we have got a lot better at communication

Nottoobadyet

Thank you, everyone for your great and measured advice so far. I'll definitely google things mentioned (thank you!) and try to look deeper at some of the questions.

We've been to therapy together before but have scaled it down a bit due to cost (which is a bit extortionate). I have been seeing her alone recently due to a bad depressive / anxiety episode a few months ago, and she saw him regularly on his own some time ago.

I have asked her advice since she knows us both and she notes that we have entirely different reactions to stress - he wants to be left alone (he came from a very overbearing family where he craved space) and I need support and attention (I came from a family with virtually no affection and I crave intimacy). I dont know that I entirely agree that this is the problem but it gave me good food for thought. We'll look at going together again if other approaches dont help.

Please keep the thoughts coming, they are excellent!

Nottoobadyet

Skint_yet_Again wrote: »

You have spoken to us so eloquently that its a shame you cant do the same with your OH.

Aw, thank you! I do tell him those things all the time, that's the easy part for me.

I did once write a letter to him over something that we had been fighting about and it really got through to him that I was serious about what I needed him to do. Though it worked, I think he found the note method a bit passive aggressive and was upset that I didn't talk to him about it instead. Maybe I can find a way to make it seem less formal and more communicative.

ValHaller

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

I have asked her advice since she knows us both and she notes that we have entirely different reactions to stress - he wants to be left alone (he came from a very overbearing family where he craved space) and I need support and attention (I came from a family with virtually no affection and I crave intimacy). I dont know that I entirely agree that this is the problem but it gave me good food for thought. We'll look at going together again if other approaches dont help.

That sort of makes sense. If the 2 of you approach a contentious subject, there will be stress. He will withdraw and you will advance. And both of you reacting in your own ways will increase stress in the other, increasing his withdrawal and your advance. It is a very straight forward positive feedback loop involving both of you.

I see much more benefit in joint counselling for a joint problem of the relationship dynamics than in individual counselling for individual problems which are more just the way each of you is rather than a problem in its own right. Joint counselling could involve individual sessions of course..