Trust when a marriage was founded on lies

System

I sympathise with you OP.

I found out 3 years into my relationship with my ex that he was really into BDSM and bi-curious. Our sex life had waned somewhat and i found out when i found on the history of the computer he'd been on bdsm sites and hook up sites (and reading his profile on one which was pretty sexually explicit and stuff i had no idea about). Our realtionship was on the rocks and in a stupid attempt to keep him i agreed to do "things" i wasn't really comfortable with. I realised at that point i was never going to be able to satisfy him sexually and we split up not long after.

It may be your OH has had these turn ons (for lack of a better word) for years and i think it sounds like he is really in conflict with himself hence the whole only wanting non bdsm (vanillia) sex and his reaction towards you. I think perhaps he does still want those experiences but maybe he's thinking you don't so in some weird way his extreme reaction has been to deny those feelings. Usually when that happens it doesn't end well to be honest. I understand how horroible it is to be lied to, i felt my whole realtionship had been a sham, i questioned whether i'd actually ever turned him on in a sexual sesne and blamed myself for it ending. But really it wasn't my fault, and you you too cannot feel bad about it.

ViolaLass

Maureen43 wrote: »

There is no homophobia there at all. However it didn't do my self esteem any good knowing he preferred men to me.

I can sort of understand that - I would be devastated if it turned out that my husband wanted someone else over me, man or woman. However, you originally said that you couldn't tolerate him being attracted to men at all - hence my question of 'why does it matter?' Would you object to him fancying certain women too?

Surely the issue here is the lies, rather than the attraction to men.

meritaten

confusedinsuburbia wrote: »

My husband was married for 14 years previously. He always maintained it was a monogamous marriage; that he was a committed family man, and that his marriage only ended when his ex had affairs and left him for another man.

He did confess to a threesome with his ex and her friend, but said it was entirely at her instigation, that he hated it and found it "awkward" and that he never wanted to repeat it.

I have now found out that he advertised for men to "experiment" with, whilst his wife was at work, this was over a period of years. In the adverts he identified as 'bi-sexual'. He also had/has profiles on Gaydar & Bi-Cupid. The latter is from when his divorce was finalised, a year before we met.

I also found out that him and his wife used to 'swing' regularly.

I have confronted him over this. He gets very defensive, saying that he was messed in the head, that he is "disgusted" with himself. He refuses to say anymore, and when I try to explain that it's not the discovery, but the lies, that have left me confused, he clams up, gets very angry & accuses me of being nasty to him. I can't broach the subject, as he closes off, and accuses me of being "mad".

He is very homophobic now, very outspoken about it, which is why I am so confused.

I would accept this was in the past, but his ability to lie to my face, the fact that he's been abroad on holiday alone (and yet it looks like he had another in his apartment), has stored photos of his 'bits' on the camera etc, have left me completely confused and I'm not sure how much I can trust him.

He has told me that he vowed to only have "vanilla" sex after we married, and wanted a "respectable" family this time. We do have problems with sex though, he tries to avoid it, and has trouble getting off.

What I have highlighted in red is very 'telling'. He is highly defensive and uses attack as a form of defence. I would say that he wasn't dragged into swinging or threesomes or homosexual sex - but he refuses to tell you the truth as he believes (rightly or wrongly) that it would end the relationship.

It would end it for me (not because of the er, adventurous sex, but because he LIES about it - tries to twist the blame, and will not face up to facts. and that you say he accuses YOU of being MAD. he is trying to gaslight you hun - and that is NEVER a good sign!
it isn't a good sign that he has problems sexually with you - I think he needs more than you on your own can give him. To put it politely. So sorry hun - but I would be thinking seriously about this relationship.

amelia_jayne

I am a long time poster and member on here but have created this profile to reply to you as my other is not secret from those who know me.
When i met my partner he was great, really charming and everything i wanted in a man - then i met his boyfriend! I hadn't known he was bi, and it was a bit of a shock to say the least. He told me he had ended the relationship and he did, only for the bloke end up taking an overdose for attention and I told him that next time he might suceed so if he gave him the attention he wanted then that would be it. The guy had been stalking us for months, had crashed into my car, had made nasty calls about me to various public places, tried to get me sacked, sat outside my house for hours on end, visited my relatives to tell them I was the devil, phoned the police to say I had assaulted him when I was in fact at work and upon absconding from hospital complete with a venous line in he arrived at my house and ripped it out - not healthy at all.
After the overdose, we completely blanked him whatever he did and he eventually left us alone. We now have two young children and a happy life, although I do sometimes wonder if I aren't the only one looking at the passing guys, but its something I have decided I can live with. If I ever found one dot of evidence that his former life was creeping back up I would be off like a shot, and he knows that. The way I look at it is that we all have a few skeletons in our closets and that there may be some part of my past that he may find unsavoury but thats life.
The main difference here is that you were lied to, I wasn't. I had the choice and you didn't. Your husband sounds to me as though he is gay, hes trying to hide it for whatever reason and the longer you stay there the worse you will feel. You need to end it for your sanity and self esteem, or you will always feel second best. He will have secret flings thats for sure, and you need to get yourself checked at a gum clinic too.
Its not going to be easy for you but you will meet someone who deserves you and this guy is someone you will laugh about a few years down the line, feel free to pm me if you need to chat at all xx

eskimo26

Some people have a very wrong headed attitude to bisexuality. Not being straight isn't some 'skeleton in the closet' and it doesn't make you some kind of sex hungry pervert as some have insinuated [op's sexually confused partner included], some people need to get a grip and realize this kind of thinking is more about there own problems and issues then their partners.

Having said that the OP's case is clear cut, he lied and he refuses to open up, that is a deathknell for ANY relationship whether a partner is bisexual or straight.

He clearly has issues with his sexuality [as opposed to having issues because he is bisexual] and he's confused. Don't put yourself through this especially as he refuses to let you in anyway.

kitschkitty

eskimo26 wrote: »

Some people have a very wrong headed attitude to bisexuality. Not being straight isn't some 'skeleton in the closet' and it doesn't make you some kind of sex hungry pervert as some have insinuated [op's sexually confused partner included], some people need to get a grip and realize this kind of thinking is more about there own problems and issues then their partners.

Having said that the OP's case is clear cut, he lied and he refuses to open up, that is a deathknell for ANY relationship whether a partner is bisexual or straight.

He clearly has issues with his sexuality [as opposed to having issues because he is bisexual] and he's confused. Don't put yourself through this especially as he refuses to let you in anyway.

Well said.

Everyone has their own sexual preferences, whatever they may be & involve. But it's when someone lies to their partner, or... keep secrets, cheats (when they are in a supposedly monogamous relationship), pushes a partner to participate in things they don't want to do, engages in risky behaviour, has emotional or behavioural issues over their preferences (as they haven't been able to accept & deal with them), that they are damaging their relationship and their partner, not just themselves. The 100% refusal to even admit they have any issues at all over their sexual preferences are the problem, not necessarily the preferences themselves.

Also being bi-sexual doesn't mean you want to have 1 boyfriend and 1 girlfriend and will be a cheat, or not be able to be satisfied by/with one partner, it just means during your life you will have been attracted to men & women. It's very unfair that so many people paint bisexuals as somehow different to everyone else, all of us have it in us to be true to our partners or not, that has nothing to do with what gender(s) you are attracted to.


To the OP, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, unfortunately it's near impossible to have a genuine loving relationship with someone who has such issues that they clearly can't love themselves & are having trouble living with themselves, indicating that they are hiding their true feelings, and activities (e.g the pictures). If he were at all willing to talk to you I would say there was hope, but it sounds like he has very deep issues that he's not willing to face himself, let alone let you in on.

confusedinsuburbia

meritaten wrote: »

What I have highlighted in red is very 'telling'. He is highly defensive and uses attack as a form of defence. I would say that he wasn't dragged into swinging or threesomes or homosexual sex - but he refuses to tell you the truth as he believes (rightly or wrongly) that it would end the relationship.

Thank you, that is exactly how I take it.

I do feel such an idiot. I keep going over the beginning, when he said that sex with me was the best he'd known, and it was good, and I really can't see how was acting at that time.

I wonder if he wanted to 'catch' me so early, before the charade fell... maybe he did even believe it himself at that point.

Since I found out he has been extra affectionate (still lacking sex though), which does make me doubt myself.

However, he said something very telling today. I made a quip about someone with false teeth, and how it kept her husband happy. My husband seemed annoyed, and said "it's always sex, sex, sex with you, you always bring everything round to sex".

I realise that was not a normal thing to say - not to a sexual partner anyway. In the past he's made several 'suggestive' jokes, especially in the beginning, but it's as if he doesn't see me in a sexual way anymore, and even joking about sex annoys him.

geoffky

Sack him..He will have you believing it was your fault next..

Top_Girl

kitschkitty wrote: »

Well said.

Everyone has their own sexual preferences, whatever they may be & involve. But it's when someone lies to their partner, or... keep secrets, cheats (when they are in a supposedly monogamous relationship), pushes a partner to participate in things they don't want to do, engages in risky behaviour, has emotional or behavioural issues over their preferences (as they haven't been able to accept & deal with them), that they are damaging their relationship and their partner, not just themselves. The 100% refusal to even admit they have any issues at all over their sexual preferences are the problem, not necessarily the preferences themselves.

Also being bi-sexual doesn't mean you want to have 1 boyfriend and 1 girlfriend and will be a cheat, or not be able to be satisfied by/with one partner, it just means during your life you will have been attracted to men & women. It's very unfair that so many people paint bisexuals as somehow different to everyone else, all of us have it in us to be true to our partners or not, that has nothing to do with what gender(s) you are attracted to.

Well said :T

Being bi-sexual doesn't make someone more likely to cheat, nor does it give them the license to.

meritaten

I really think the problem here is not his past sex life (not to the OP anyway), but the 'hang ups' he has about it! This is HIS problem - he says he is disgusted etc about it. TBH I think he has entered into this relationship with the OP in an effort to seem 'normal' in his own mind. HE is the one with the problem - I think the OP just hears the lies and its destroyed her trust in him.
I also think his sexual problems with the OP are because he is denying his true sexual orientation. Repression can lead to impotence - he cannot accept that so is blaming OP which is unfair!
its a dreadful situation to be in - I honestly think OPs partner needs therapy if the relationship is to continue - but, tbh convincing him of this will take some work!