Trust when a marriage was founded on lies

confusedinsuburbia

Tiglath wrote: »

I think it may possibly go beyond the gay thing; 'vanilla' is a term often used by those on the BDSM scene.

Yeah I did think that. I quite like (mild) bondage, blindfolds etc. He told me the other day that I "disgusted" him when he realised that, and sex should only be loving, and that I'm perverted.

Tiglath

He's in denial so it's easier to pretend it's disgusting if you show a liking for it, because then it can't intrude on his 'real' life as in his homelife with you, and his fantasies stay secret and exciting. Maybe he can't separate the BDSM and the gay/bi thing in his own mind.

If this is something he's currently doing, please be careful of your own health.

Seanymph

Not only is this man not being honest with you, his disrespect to you, lack of consideration, selfishness, and aggression when you bring it up will all damage your own confidence and self-esteem.

He is not caring for you, you are not in a loving partnership - whether he is gay, bi-sexual, or straight is irrelevant - what matters is that he is not nice to you, or committed to a marriage.

It reads that he was in a pickle, you came along and were naive enough to marry a man you didn't know - and he latched onto you and used you to camouflage his misgivings. He is still doing that.

You need to take a long hard look at why you are sacrificing your feelings of well being for this man - and just what he is offering that is so wonderful that you couldn't get it elsewhere.

BitterAndTwisted

You're perverted? That's a deflection if I ever heard one. He's going to keep doing that as long as you ask questions and need answers.


He has a secret private life and you're not part of it and probably never will be. He doesn't need a wife, he needs to come out and be honest with himself and with you.

I'd put an end to this misery once and for all.

Lilith1980

I too had a lot of doubts about my ex-husband's sexuality.The doubts came and went but it was something that came up when he made certain comments.

I'll never know if I was right, we split up for other reasons, but I am glad I am out of it because there were other lies that I found out towards the end.

Reading your post it is no wonder you are confused. I guess the question is whether you feel you can carry on with this doubt (which I am guessing you can't).

He definitely sounds like he has some unresolved issues around his sexuality. If he was single then I guess things would be different as it would be up to him to figure things out for himself, but he is married and this is impacting on YOU.

If he won't go for counselling, are there any other options? He is refusing help and not willing to talk about it so to me it seems that you are left backed into a corner: you either accept his behaviour and don't question it any more, or you leave.

I know that sounds like a harsh reality but that's what it seems like if he is not going to work through these things with you. That isn't fair on you, and you have to think about your own wellbeing, both physically and emotionally/mentally.

Sommer43

confusedinsuburbia wrote: »

He definitely won't agree to counselling, he refused to have counselling after our second child died, even though we desperately needed it.

I would find it easier to believe him about it being in the past & abhorring what he did, if he hadn't lied so easily to my face, he didn't blink when telling me, so I know he's capable of complete duplicity.

The bi stuff wouldn't bother me per se; in fact I'd explained this several times to him (I guess my intuition was spot on, even though I had no proof), but he would always get angry, saying that it should bother me, and I disgusted him by saying it.

I think it's his language that bothers me "vanilla sex" makes it sound like a sacrifice, something he vowed, that I had no idea was anything other than normal anyway - I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but I'm trying to say that when I met him & fell in love, that sleeping around would never occur to me - it wasn't something I made promises to myself to.

I guess if he'd said that when he met me, I was all he needed, that I would feel more secure, but his words make it sound that it was a compromise. Something that he was working on himself, rather than a natural state.

This comment, OP, is the one which sticks out at me like a big red warning light.

In a previous relationship, I was with a man who wanted me to have a sexual encounter with another woman so he could watch. I refused and we continued on for four years. I subsequently found out he had paid for this service and joined in and many times which I was unaware of at the time. I left the relationship, as deep down I knew I could never be the partner who would give him what he wanted sexually. I knew what I wanted and it wasn't this.

Now back to you. I have bolded this comment as I happen to feel this is the relevant part of the whole sorry state of affairs. Do you think and I think it is a good question, that he is trying to be "normal?" He is trying, for whatever reason because of past behaviours, to behave in a conditioned manner? If he has bi-sexual tendencies or homosexual tendencies which he has experimented with, he now feels that "vanilla sex" is the normal way to behave and therefore tells you, you are disgusting when you ask him about past behaviours?

How is your sex life as a married couple? Loving, intimate, close and both of you feel contented with your life? It is a daft question, I know, given the nature of your post. But deep down, I do think it is you who has to work out whether you want to make a square peg fit into a round hole and truly ask yourself if his ways and previous behaviours are always going to eat away at you. They're clearly eating away at him. Now they're eating away at you and that's the crack in the paint. You'll pick at it, he'll try to fill it, you'll pick at more and more and eventually, the whole wall will have a big gaping hole and neither of you will know how this has happened.

There is no such thing as "trying a vanilla sex life" One is either heterosexual or not. Just like one is homosexual or not. Just like one is bi-sexual or not. Nobody decides what they are, they just are and if your husband is trying to be "vanilla" it might well work for a while, but it will break and so will you. He needs to be honest about who he is. If he's only trying to be "normal" then that's so not fair on you. If you go along with this, then you're so not being fair on yourself. You're not his experiment to test out. You're a woman with your own thoughts, wants and needs. I'm not saying give up on the marriage or him. But for it to be given half a chance, he has to open to you, he married you, therefore he has a responsibility as a husband to be honest with his wife. And if he refuses to negotiate and compromise and listen to your side, then your marriage will not weather this storm. Youve listened to him and accepted that some of his previous behaviours have not bothered you. Work out what is bothering you about his behaviour and ask him to address it and say what is and is not acceptable and what he has to be accountable for. That all sounds clinical, I know. But each and everyone of us, does have the right to come to a relationship with our boundaries and what we are prepared to accept.

Valli

Tiglath wrote: »

He's in denial so it's easier to pretend it's disgusting if you show a liking for it, because then it can't intrude on his 'real' life as in his homelife with you, and his fantasies stay secret and exciting. Maybe he can't separate the BDSM and the gay/bi thing in his own mind.

If this is something he's currently doing, please be careful of your own health.

This

(((hugs)))

foreign_correspondent

It sounds like you have had a rotten time, dealing with feeling mislead in your relationship, and the death of a child. Are you getting any support or counselling at all? It doesn't seem like you can rely on your husband for emotional honesty or intimacy...

I would find his position on promising to commit to only vanilla sex challenging too, and for the same reasons - we need to feel loved as we are, not as a compromise - it sounds like his relationship with you is about him, him trying to be normal, to be respectable, to prove something to himself, rather than about the two of you.

marmitepotato

This man is never ever going to change. Save yourself and your sanity now.

Maureen43

ViolaLass wrote: »

I'm not sure this sentence quite adds up. Objecting to a husband who cheats is one thing but not liking who he is attracted to - why does it matter?

There is no homophobia there at all. However it didn't do my self esteem any good knowing he preferred men to me.