Trust when a marriage was founded on lies

confusedinsuburbia

My husband was married for 14 years previously. He always maintained it was a monogamous marriage; that he was a committed family man, and that his marriage only ended when his ex had affairs and left him for another man.

He did confess to a threesome with his ex and her friend, but said it was entirely at her instigation, that he hated it and found it "awkward" and that he never wanted to repeat it.

I have now found out that he advertised for men to "experiment" with, whilst his wife was at work, this was over a period of years. In the adverts he identified as 'bi-sexual'. He also had/has profiles on Gaydar & Bi-Cupid. The latter is from when his divorce was finalised, a year before we met.

I also found out that him and his wife used to 'swing' regularly.

I have confronted him over this. He gets very defensive, saying that he was messed in the head, that he is "disgusted" with himself. He refuses to say anymore, and when I try to explain that it's not the discovery, but the lies, that have left me confused, he clams up, gets very angry & accuses me of being nasty to him. I can't broach the subject, as he closes off, and accuses me of being "mad".

He is very homophobic now, very outspoken about it, which is why I am so confused.

I would accept this was in the past, but his ability to lie to my face, the fact that he's been abroad on holiday alone (and yet it looks like he had another in his apartment), has stored photos of his 'bits' on the camera etc, have left me completely confused and I'm not sure how much I can trust him.

He has told me that he vowed to only have "vanilla" sex after we married, and wanted a "respectable" family this time. We do have problems with sex though, he tries to avoid it, and has trouble getting off.

Maureen43

Hello op,

I had similar issues with my ex. He was having "encounters" with men and women but, when confronted at the end of our marriage, he insisted that he was straight and that it was just experimentation.

I do understand that bisexuality is a long spectrum and people will sit at various levels of male/female attraction.

However clearly he has SOME degree of attraction to men and, much as he would protest otherwise, I don't think this is something he will be able to "turn off". Can you deal with this as well as with the lies? I am in no way homophobic but could not tolerate being in a relationship with a man who had any degree of attraction to other men (among other things!).

You may feel you can live with this but, if you can't, I don't think it is something you will be able to change in him.

I couldn't live with the lies either.....

marisco_2

I get the impression that your husband is extremely confused about his sexuality. In his previous relationship he experimented in all manner of sexual experiences. Some of these I think he was really uncomfortable with and regrets.

He may find it extremely difficult to talk with you about this. If he cannot reconcile his own feelings about his past, talking with someone who is so close to him now may be impossible.

This is obviously not healthy for either of you. Would he consider any form of counselling? I would prepare for the fact that if he agrees to this, it may open up a realisation to him of what he really wants. This may or may not mean that you are included in his future. If things are left as they are it will eat away at you though.

csnann

Your husband is gay, he will always want to sleep with other men no matter what he promises. You have to decide for yourself whether you can stay with a man who lied about something like this. I certainly wouldn't!

confusedinsuburbia

He definitely won't agree to counselling, he refused to have counselling after our second child died, even though we desperately needed it.

I would find it easier to believe him about it being in the past & abhorring what he did, if he hadn't lied so easily to my face, he didn't blink when telling me, so I know he's capable of complete duplicity.

The bi stuff wouldn't bother me per se; in fact I'd explained this several times to him (I guess my intuition was spot on, even though I had no proof), but he would always get angry, saying that it should bother me, and I disgusted him by saying it.

I think it's his language that bothers me "vanilla sex" makes it sound like a sacrifice, something he vowed, that I had no idea was anything other than normal anyway - I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but I'm trying to say that when I met him & fell in love, that sleeping around would never occur to me - it wasn't something I made promises to myself to.

I guess if he'd said that when he met me, I was all he needed, that I would feel more secure, but his words make it sound that it was a compromise. Something that he was working on himself, rather than a natural state.

marisco_2

If you stay with him this is how your life will always be. Actually to be honest this is as good as your life will get.

You clearly have huge misgivings over the status quo of your relationship. There are issues you are struggling to cope with. If your husband refuses to discuss things with you or seek any professional help then he has no intention of changing. It all boils down to whether this is the type of life you are willing to settle for. Personally I couldn't do it.

lika_86

It sounds to me like your husband is gay (things that go beyond experimenting, the avoidance of sex with you and problems getting an erection) and for whatever reason (upbringing, attitudes of others etc) is trying to convince himself that he is not, hence the outspoken homophobia.

This is the biggest lie that he has told you. If he won't address his own issues surrounding his sexuality then you have to decide if you can continue to live as his beard or whether you want more from a marriage.

ViolaLass

Maureen43 wrote: »

I am in no way homophobic but could not tolerate being in a relationship with a man who had any degree of attraction to other men (among other things!).

I'm not sure this sentence quite adds up. Objecting to a husband who cheats is one thing but not liking who he is attracted to - why does it matter?

BitterAndTwisted

There can be no trust when a marriage was founded on lies. Especially when the lies keep being told, and your questioning is turned around to make you feel like you're the one with the problem. He's the one with problems and his gay experiences are not in the past, hence his avoidance of intimacy with you and his difficulty in getting off.

Marisco is right: this is as good as your life will ever get. Do you want to be still in the same miserable place you are now in twenty years time?

Tiglath

I think it may possibly go beyond the gay thing; 'vanilla' is a term often used by those on the BDSM scene.

confusedinsuburbia

lika_86 wrote: »

It sounds to me like your husband is gay (things that go beyond experimenting, the avoidance of sex with you and problems getting an erection)

He doesn't have trouble getting an erection, he just can't get the big O. He gives up within minutes though.

We married very soon after meeting, he was quite forceful about that. I was very naive & head over heels in love.

Sex was great, but it began to go wrong on honeymoon. It just got less & less.

It got worse on Valentine's Day night. I got dressed up in some seriously nice stuff, put make-up on, gave him champagne etc. I offered him a lap dance & he laughed. He was more interested in watching TV than me.

I'm afraid I did lose it a bit. I kept thinking of the ads, where he invited men to his house, for hours of 'sexy fun' yet had no interest in me.

He never looks at me naked at all.

Although I had 'thoughts' about him being bi, I was still shocked. I assumed it was just paranoia, as there were no signs at all.

Now though, the photos of his genitals, the gay !!!!!! on his phone, the ads etc, have all made me feel duped.

The only thing I don't get is he still seems interested in women. I've watched videos of family holidays (his first family) and he zooms in on every naked woman in the vicinity. This was when he was advertising for men, why zoom in on women and not men.

I am so confused.