He loves me but isnt in love with me?

ciderwithrosie_2

I don't wish to upset you further but one partner having to take care of the other can cause immense pressure in a relationship, couple that with unemployment and no money. My OH was off sick for a year once, had lots of tests etc, couldn't exactly confirm what was wrong with him apart from severe headaches and vertigo. He basically lay on the sofa for a year whilst I worked, worried about paying all the bills, brought up 3 kids and kept house.

A lot of resentment built up because I was the one holding it all together, it took his doctor prescribing him anti-d's in the end to get him up and back to work. I had a bit of a wobble then and told him it was all over, I guess I felt much like your husband.

We are still together 12 years on from that but our relationship has never really recovered from it.

Sommer43

Whoever coined the phrase "I love you, but am not in love with you" wants hitting over the head with a wake-up call.

Love is a feeling, we can only feel it, we cannot see it. Love is about taking care of your partner when the ricotta hits the fan. Love is about taking care of another person. So when we choose to love a person, we should accept the fact that sometimes one of them may become ill and need their partner to lean on and love. My husband is disabled, he was disabled when I met him. I care for him and I love him when he has bad days, which he does frequently. I love him, despite days where I think to myself "Is this my life?" I wouldn't be human if I didn't at times feel a little bit resentful that being the sole earner is down to me, the dog walking, the ironing, the running of the home, the paying the bills. It's called life and this is it.

Your partner, OP, wants to work through your problems. That's something. That suggests he does feel something for you. To love a person, that person must also feel loved. I feel loved by my husband, because on his good days, he does look after me. He cooks, he cleans, he paints, sitting down, bless him. But he does a good job of being a great husband when he feels he can and when he feels he can't, then it is up to me to be a damn good wife and help him through his pain and difficulties.

It's not your fault, OP that you became ill. Health is the one thing none of us can predict. You two can only talk about this, face to face and be truly honest. Complicating matters by cliches will not help. He either loves you and wants to work through the problems, as you do, or you make the plans to go your separate ways. Falling out of love, is so much harder than falling in love. The other good posters here are correct, I too, am of the mind that the great feelings at the start of a relationship are the feelings of lust. They usually begin to die down when two people begin living together and human habits start to come in. Love will either grow into some depth of feeling for a person, or the lust will wear off and people part. Committing to a person is a big leap of faith and you two committed to each other. He will never get back what you two had at the start, as that has gone. All you can do is talk, be so very honest with each other about what you both want. If it is not each other, then it is time for you to move on. This is from both of you.

The very best of luck.

C_Mababejive

OP,FWIW i think you should consider this relationship over and done with. As an initial move you should consider moving out and moving on with your life. That will be the true test of what this relationship is worth.

go_cat

Jox wrote: »

If a man loves a woman and wants her in his life he needs to show it, he shouldn't take her for granted.

?

As my husband keeps reminding me this works both ways, do you feel you take him for granted ?

Missli

PinkPink wrote: »

we are always together but this isnt quality time, but whenever i suggest doing something he doesnt want to (has always been like this tho)
The problems we were having started small but gradually built up into something big (no cheating or things like that just problems with me)
Our relationship hasnt changed we are still intimate etc but he is not one for showing me love or anything like that (but has always been like that)

It sounds like this isn't going anywhere, I've been there. Why are all the problems down to you? I'm sure this isn't the case although you may think so currently.

I ended up staying with my ex for 15 years, get out whilst you can.

cheeswright

love can be a very worthy emotion
lots of hair pulling and sacrifice......potential martyrdom..

not sure its something i'd aspire to in that form....
however

when did you last do a sexy dance across the kitchen...or inspire him to ?
when did you just do sexy... or giggly ...or adoring....?
when did you tell him ten things about himself that are stupid but you totally love?

when did you tell him that the flowers / bag of chips / smile ..he brought you was the best thing in your day ?

love isnt a rational day to day thing - its a completly irrational throw the b***dy lot at him thing
and if it dosnt come back tenfold

then.....
only then....consider the slow ( obviously very sexy so he knows what hes loosing ) walk to the door....

Jox

go_cat wrote: »

As my husband keeps reminding me this works both ways, do you feel you take him for granted ?

If that's for me, then I really don't take my hubby for granted but I wouldn't want him to treat me like a doormat and think he doesn't have to put a bit of effort in the relationship.

Even though we've been together 5 years I still need a little bit of wooing every now and then, but I'm not too high maintenance

We both go out to work and just have a few hours in the evening together so maybe that keeps things fresh.

If we were in each other's pockets everyday things might be different.

Hope OP has a good weekend and some resolution and isn't too upset xx

danlojo

Sommer43 wrote: »

Whoever coined the phrase "I love you, but am not in love with you" wants hitting over the head with a wake-up call.

I'm sorry but this is true. I'm going through this at the minute.

I have been married 22 years and for the last few years my husband has been working away from home.

I can and have been able to run the house and sort the kids out and for years have been taken for granted.

I suppose I've now woken up and realised that there's more to life than money.

People change over time and although it's hard, life is far too short to be in a relationship if you're not happy.

BTW, there is no one else involved in this but people are quick to suspect that there is.

C_Mababejive

Jox wrote: »

I

If a man loves a woman and wants her in his life he needs to show it, he shouldn't take her for granted.

When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
For the good thing he's found
If she's bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down

danlojo

Jox wrote: »

If a man loves a woman and wants her in his life he needs to show it, he shouldn't take her for granted.

Spot on Jox