Coping with childhood abuse

Molly41

I was also abused as a child. When I told my parents they disbelieved me. For years I carried this pain until I was on the very verge of committing suicide about 5 years ago. I had counselling which is still ongoing, which has helped somewhat. I made the decision that no good would come of involving my parents as they were old and frail but my relationship has become dreadfully strained, although I do still try to be kind and make them cakes etc.

I would suggest that you no longer involve yourself in a dialogue with the parents and keep away from the sister at all costs - no contact. They will deny it until they are blue in the face and it is probable that at their age they will not accept it. Your husband has to find his own way through it which involves talking to you (you sound very supportive) and to a professional. My husband listens to all sorts of insignificant memories but then they seem to mean something and he has a way of helping e put it in context. Also try Mindfulness techniques as they really help when someone is in emotional distress. There is loads of books and stuff out there.

zzzLazyDaisy

I am sorry if this sounds like new-age psychobabble, but I don't know any other way to put it, so I hope you will understand what I mean....

This is no longer about your OH's parents or his sister. It is about your OH and his relationship with himself and with the child he once was. By that I mean that their views and opinions of what happened don't matter. If his future well being is dependent on them seeing things from his point of view, he is sunk, because they live in their own reality, and have (or choose) different memories.

It is possible to turn bad childhood experiences around, with help, but he needs to let go of any need for his parents or sister to see things his way (if he hasn't already done so). He can't change what happened in the past, but he can change how he responds to it, and how it affects his future.

I wish him, and you, all the best.

Dx

Worriedstepmum

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I am sorry if this sounds like new-age psychobabble, but I don't know any other way to put it, so I hope you will understand what I mean....

This is no longer about your OH's parents or his sister. It is about your OH and his relationship with himself and with the child he once was. By that I mean that their views and opinions of what happened don't matter. If his future well being is dependent on them seeing things from his point of view, he is sunk, because they live in their own reality, and have (or choose) different memories.

It is possible to turn bad childhood experiences around, with help, but he needs to let go of any need for his parents or sister to see things his way (if he hasn't already done so). He can't change what happened in the past, but he can change how he responds to it, and how it affects his future.

I wish him, and you, all the best.

Dx

I totally agree with this and the conclusion we had to come to was that in relation to the past abuse he just needs to come to terms with it himself, no matter what his parents think.

The reason this has all come out now is (a) because of the meds he is now taking and (b) because the sister has started exerting her control over the family again.

OH's mother hasn't been well recently and the sister is now texting all the family telling them to stay away. She is dictating who can visit and who can't. She has told the parents that if my OH or his brother visit, she will withdraw all help for them. They actually agreed to this and told us not to visit. The brother took no notice and visited anyway. She actually drove to the house and sat outside in the car in protest until he left!!!

Part of the reason my OH has told them of his sister's past deeds is to open their eyes to how nasty she can be and to try and warn them not to let her take over their lives. Only a month ago she tried to make their father sign over a large piece of land to her and when he refused she became very verbally aggressive towards them to the point where the mother had to tell her to please leave. When she telephoned them later to start begging again the father said he didn't want to speak about it. He thought he had hung up the phone but when putting it in the cradle he could still hear her speaking. She clearly hadn't properly hung up either and he heard every word of her screaming rants to her partner about her useless parents. OH's father actually TOLD my OH about this conversation but they STILL refuse to believe she means any harm....

Whether they believe his account of what happened when he was younger is a side issue. He needs to deal with that himself. What he is trying to do is warn them the lengths she will go to to get what she wants. As they become more vulnerable we are quite frankly worried about what she will do.

Unfortunately she lives very close to them and we live 2.5 hours drive away.

victory

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

I totally agree with this and the conclusion we had to come to was that in relation to the past abuse he just needs to come to terms with it himself, no matter what his parents think.

The reason this has all come out now is (a) because of the meds he is now taking and (b) because the sister has started exerting her control over the family again.

OH's mother hasn't been well recently and the sister is now texting all the family telling them to stay away. She is dictating who can visit and who can't. She has told the parents that if my OH or his brother visit, she will withdraw all help for them. They actually agreed to this and told us not to visit. The brother took no notice and visited anyway. She actually drove to the house and sat outside in the car in protest until he left!!!

Part of the reason my OH has told them of his sister's past deeds is to open their eyes to how nasty she can be and to try and warn them not to let her take over their lives. Only a month ago she tried to make their father sign over a large piece of land to her and when he refused she became very verbally aggressive towards them to the point where the mother had to tell her to please leave. When she telephoned them later to start begging again the father said he didn't want to speak about it. He thought he had hung up the phone but when putting it in the cradle he could still hear her speaking. She clearly hadn't properly hung up either and he heard every word of her screaming rants to her partner about her useless parents. OH's father actually TOLD my OH about this conversation but they STILL refuse to believe she means any harm....

Whether they believe his account of what happened when he was younger is a side issue. He needs to deal with that himself. What he is trying to do is warn them the lengths she will go to to get what she wants. As they become more vulnerable we are quite frankly worried about what she will do.

Unfortunately she lives very close to them and we live 2.5 hours drive away.

Can you move closer to them? Can they come and stay with you? Can social services help? Can the police be told of her aggressive threatening behaviour?

Worriedstepmum

victory wrote: »

Can you move closer to them? Can they come and stay with you? Can social services help? Can the police be told of her aggressive threatening behaviour?

We cannot move closer to them as I have to commute to London every day for my job, and I'm the only wage-earner at the moment. They will not leave the bungalow they've lived in all their lives. I think we will have to explore the option of getting help from social services. Unfortunately the parents would never consider pressing charges or causing any upset at all towards their daughter and just excuse it saying "that's just the way she is".

ValHaller

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

.... OH's mother hasn't been well recently and the sister is now texting all the family telling them to stay away. She is dictating who can visit and who can't. She has told the parents that if my OH or his brother visit, she will withdraw all help for them. They actually agreed to this and told us not to visit. The brother took no notice and visited anyway. She actually drove to the house and sat outside in the car in protest until he left!!!

Part of the reason my OH has told them of his sister's past deeds is to open their eyes to how nasty she can be and to try and warn them not to let her take over their lives. Only a month ago she tried to make their father sign over a large piece of land to her and when he refused she became very verbally aggressive towards them to the point where the mother had to tell her to please leave. When she telephoned them later to start begging again the father said he didn't want to speak about it. He thought he had hung up the phone but when putting it in the cradle he could still hear her speaking. She clearly hadn't properly hung up either and he heard every word of her screaming rants to her partner about her useless parents. OH's father actually TOLD my OH about this conversation but they STILL refuse to believe she means any harm....

Whether they believe his account of what happened when he was younger is a side issue. He needs to deal with that himself. What he is trying to do is warn them the lengths she will go to to get what she wants. As they become more vulnerable we are quite frankly worried about what she will do.

Ah. This could be playing out quite differently from how you imagine.

Daughter has always been the golden child. And your OH has been possibly the black sheep - definitely in the wrong vis a vis daughter. Daughter now begins to reveal her nasty side in an undeniable way. Your OH now comes in with his story. What do they think now?

One pillar of belief is shaken, that daughter is the golden child. For them to accept OH's story, another pillar of belief may have to crumble - namely that he is worse than daughter. On the whole, I imagine they will come to a view of this that crumbles the fewest pillars of belief.

Mojisola

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

the sister has started exerting her control over the family again.

OH's mother hasn't been well recently and the sister is now texting all the family telling them to stay away. She is dictating who can visit and who can't. She has told the parents that if my OH or his brother visit, she will withdraw all help for them. They actually agreed to this and told us not to visit. The brother took no notice and visited anyway. She actually drove to the house and sat outside in the car in protest until he left!!!

Only a month ago she tried to make their father sign over a large piece of land to her and when he refused she became very verbally aggressive towards them to the point where the mother had to tell her to please leave.

What he is trying to do is warn them the lengths she will go to to get what she wants. As they become more vulnerable we are quite frankly worried about what she will do.

Have a read of this - https://www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/protecting-yourself/
and this - https://www.elderabuse.org.uk/

londonsurrey

The more I hear about it, the less impressed I am by the type of people your OH's parents are.

It would seem that they're happy to moan to him about the golden child's behaviour, but then not do anything about it. So they've done the "look see what she did" bit, but have simultaneously rendered him powerless to help whilst denying that it's really bad. What a wonderful formula to hold a faithful son in thrall whilst f***ing with his mind.

Decent parents would either shut up about her, or ask for help, not gossip about her, and then tell caring onlookers to carry on watching and that their job is simply to suffer whilst watching.

Keeping_Motivated

Do you think the parents know some information about what their daughter went through before she was adopted by them and this causes them to make allowances for her behaviour?

Not saying this is right but just trying to think of a reason for them to have blurred boundaries.

zzzLazyDaisy

Unfortunately family dynamics can be difficult to fathom. Even without the complications of adoption.

My best friend and her sisters were not adopted. For some reason the mother rejected the eldest and youngest and failed to bond with them. All three girls were raised in the family home, fed, clothed, and apparently taken care of. But the youngest and eldest had awful memories of their childhood that were not shared by their parents or middle sister. The youngest never came to terms with her mother's rejection and committed suicide in her teens. The eldest is in her 50's and is only just now unravelling and coming to terms with things that happened in her childhood, and previously blocked out memories that are only now surfacing. TBH she doesn't have much to do with the parents any more, other than a duty visit at christmas and birthdays.

It is hard, but sometimes you have to put your own needs first, before you help others.

Dx