Coping with childhood abuse

samtoby

I can't offer any advice but I do hope you are able to help your OH and find some help to help you too. The pressure and stress must be a lot. x

morganedge

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Interestingly, now I'm reading about dealing with childhood abuse during adulthood, many of the symptoms typically displayed by an adult who was abused are the same as symptoms of someone with Asperger's...

It's difficult.
Lots of things can lead to someone having various issues with anxiety for example, and cause problems with ones social skills etc and like you say, such symptoms are easily confused with disorders such as Asperger's.
It's all very complicated, really.

Worriedstepmum

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

Might I ask if you could point me in the direction of where you're reading that?

I don't have any advice regarding his parents, I hope they can come to terms with this news.

As for you OH a good counsellor is the best way to go xxx

I've been reading it here

http://www.asca.org.au/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=9

The symptoms in adulthood for both mental and physical abuse all appear on the Asperger's symptoms pages I've read (among others)

Racheldevon

Hi,
I'm glad you have a supportive GP, and are linked in a psychiatrist and other MH services. You/your OH may find it useful to contact the National Association for People Abused in Childhood: http://www.napac.org.uk/ who can help explore the options and support available alongside the specialists currently involved.
You may yourself want to consider counselling yourself whilst you support your OH through this process. You may find there's a long waiting list for time limited counselling on the NHS, but many towns/areas have low cost counselling services, that you don't have to be on benefits to access - have a google or ask your GP

Worriedstepmum

Thanks for all your comments and advice. We have talked a lot today and had another, calmer conversation with his parents. Unfortunately it appears they are unwilling to acknowledge that any of it is true despite the younger brother confirming that he witnessed it. They believe that my partner THINKS it is true, but that it really isn't. All we can do is move forward together and be happy that this woman has no more influence in his life.

marisco_2

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Fast forward back to yesterday. My OH's parents are now very elderly. My OH had to get some of this off his chest and phoned them and told them what she had done. They were obviously upset, but his mother called me last night and said that this nonsense had to stop and they knew he was making it all up.

The sister is still a very big influence on the family and she is a very controlling person. I personally think she has narcassistic tendancies. Many extended family members have been on the receiving end of her verbal abuse but the parents just say "oh that's just how she is" and excuse it.

I think it is absolutely disgusting that your OH parents have reacted in this way, when he has disclosed to them that he was abused as a child by another child in their care. It is little wonder he felt unable to turn to them at the time. They need to look deep within themselves and question why this carried on under their roof when they were meant to be providing a safe home for him.

The fact that they tolerate the ladies behaviour even now and excuse it so flippantly speaks volumes. If my parents treated me as badly as your OHs have treated him, I would disown them not worry about their feelings becuase they are old!

We would all like to live out our old age in peace with no problems wouldn't we. Can they really not see that thanks to them being such inadequates your OH has no chance of that for himself. They sound like selfish and horrible people to me.

make_me_wise

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

His mother got really upset and said she couldn't cope with that at her age, going through courts and stuff.

:mad:

Yeah I bet she did. What she cant face is it becoming obvious, that whilst she was responsible for looking after young children, she knew of and ignored abuse. You said in an earlier post that your OH sister undressed him and used a riding crop on him. Abusers are normally extremely careful of how they hurt their victim, what marks are left on someones body and where. How come none of these marks were never seen. Did your OH never cry out in pain or fear. Did he not undress, have a bath etc. If his brother knew what was happening then this little girl was not that careful. His parents knew what this girl was capable of and did nothing about it you can bet your life.

If I were in your OH shoes I would contact a solicitor and take his advice. Abuse is unforgiveable, it does not matter how long ago it occured. Being a damaged person is no excuse for it. If she were that out of control then your OH parents should have found help for her, not let her carry on as she did.

ValHaller

make_me_wise wrote: »

..... If I were in your OH shoes I would contact a solicitor and take his advice. Abuse is unforgiveable, it does not matter how long ago it occured. Being a damaged person is no excuse for it. If she were that out of control then your OH parents should have found help for her, not let her carry on as she did.

Sister at age 7 was below the age of responsibility. Yes it might be possible to pin this on the parents. But what is in it for OP's OH? Probably nothing except years of grief pursuing a civil claim which will end up costing 1000's with scant prospect of success for lack of evidence of anything more serious than distribution of food from the cookery lesson. I would say most good solicitors will advise to leave it alone - only the bad ones will hold out the prospect of legal success. Worse still, it could end up with a court verdict which bolsters the idea that this was his imagination.

Healing of physical wounds does not depend upon the inflictor in any way. Similarly with mental scars. I have to say that taking this down a legal route is going to add stress and worry to OP's OH and interfere with mental healing.

Better to start from the position that a court and the law are impotent and not be disappointed when you put your trust in them.

ognum

Your partner clearly need support, he needs to talk and he needs to be listened to, you are clearly helping him through but he does need some professional help and support.

His parents also need help and support, they have managed to not recognise what occurred during their children's childhoodsThey are elderly and need support to come to terms with this. They are also probably dominated by their daughter.

When your partner has had some therapy he will be in a better position to decide how this is best resolved and how mediation between his family and him can help him get the resolution he needs.

sadly it will always be with him, he needs to find peace within himself and with or without his family. Well done in your continued support, this will be a long journey.

londonsurrey

I'd stop worrying about his parents. His mother's reaction shows that she's fully capable of sticking up for herself, and is willing to put her want for a happy shiny family before her son's actual needs or trying to put right the wrong done to him.

Attitudes like that don't tend to appear overnight, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that his childhood abuse and her attitude are linked.

He's a victim of abuse finally getting up the strength to come forward. He doesn't need friends and family defending the naysayer to him.