Coping with childhood abuse

Worriedstepmum

I have another issue that I really need some help with if anyone can offer any.

My OH is 51 and about 4 weeks ago was diagnosed with Asperger's. We always knew he had some sort of mental health issue but didn't know what. As a result of the diagnosis he's been put onto different medication, which seems to have brought a lot more emotion to the surface and rekindled thoughts that were buried long ago.

He was adopted into a family at 4 years old, and they had already adopted a girl 3 years older than him. The girl did not take kindly to suddenly not being the only child and vented all her anger on my OH. Another little boy was adopted a bit later, 4 years younger than OH.

Yesterday my OH started to tell me the things she used to do to him which included undressing him and whipping him with a riding crop, and trying to push his head into a water boiler. There were numerous other things but not many that were in front of other people. The only things she did in front of their parents were when she used to bring food home from cookery lessons she would allow all the family members to eat it except my OH. Unfortunately the mother enabled this to happen and just went and made my OH something else for dinner.

The younger boy was left alone BUT he did witness some of the things that the sister did to my OH. My OH never told his parents what was going on.

Fast forward back to yesterday. My OH's parents are now very elderly. My OH had to get some of this off his chest and phoned them and told them what she had done. They were obviously upset, but his mother called me last night and said that this nonsense had to stop and they knew he was making it all up. Now, because my OH has mental issues they presume he is fantasising about it all but his younger brother clearly remembers some of these events happening too. By the end of the call I believe that his mother had started to believe what I was telling her but obviously she is devastated.

I am now in the situation where I want to support my OH and help him through this time of remembering the horrific things that happened to him, but I also don't want his parents to blame themselves or get so distressed that they are physically ill. I do not want it brushed under the carpet but I don't know how this should be dealt with at all.

The sister is still a very big influence on the family and she is a very controlling person. I personally think she has narcassistic tendancies. Many extended family members have been on the receiving end of her verbal abuse but the parents just say "oh that's just how she is" and excuse it. Well I'm sorry, but right now I'm thinking that's like saying "oh that's just Jimmy Saville and it's how he is"... it's NOT RIGHT!!

All my OH wants is for his parents to believe him and open their eyes about their daugher. All his parents want is to live out their final years without losing contact with any of their children. What on earth can be done?!

go_cat

He needs councilling .

I know someone who's mother allowed him to be abused by a friend knowing what was going on, and the devastating effect it as had on him is evident 40 years later,... He has never had councilling or really talked about the anger he feels towards his mother.

Get your OH to the GP

Oh and go to the police and report her

Worriedstepmum

go_cat wrote: »

He needs councilling .

I know someone who's mother allowed him to be abused by a friend knowing what was going on, and the devastating effect it as had on him is evident 40 years later,... He has never had councilling or really talked about the anger he feels towards his mother.

Get your OH to the GP

Oh and go to the police and report her

We have recently moved house and it's thanks to the new (amazing) GP and his referral to a new (fabulous) mental health team that we finally have a diagnosis to his condition. I have already said to him he should speak to the psychiatrist about this.

At one point last night when he got very emotional he said to his mother that he's considering contacting the police but it was a long time ago and she was a child herself at the time. His mother got really upset and said she couldn't cope with that at her age, going through courts and stuff.

dandelionclock30

He needs counselling as the OP said.
Nothing really can be done about the family,they have been told now so they know. What more can you do?
Also the police will do nothing about a bullying sister from years ago.They wouldnt even do anything about Jimmy Saville so they are not going to do anything about sibling bullying are they? Nobody will be going through the courts or anything like that, I can guarentee the police wont want to know.

Worriedstepmum

Interestingly, now I'm reading about dealing with childhood abuse during adulthood, many of the symptoms typically displayed by an adult who was abused are the same as symptoms of someone with Asperger's...

Corelli

Oh my goodness, your poor DH, I've seen in other family and friends experience the pain of re-emerging memories. All I can suggest too is professional help. Thank goodness your husband sounds well supported.

The parents will be trying to supress their own memories out of guilt, do not expect too much from them. An acceotance that there was great wrong done to him would greatly help your hd though, I would expect.

What about YOU? You need support in all this too, what with what your DH is going through, you are working aren't you? And having to support him in so much pain. You will be needing someone to talk too, to help you as well. I know what it is like to be the (usually haha) stable one when everything is falling apart in a family, it is not easy.

Hugs, it seems so futile but all I can offer you online XXX

Worriedstepmum

Corelli wrote: »

Oh my goodness, your poor DH, I've seen in other family and friends experience the pain of re-emerging memories. All I can suggest too is professional help. Thank goodness your husband sounds well supported.

The parents will be trying to supress their own memories out of guilt, do not expect too much from them. An acceotance that there was great wrong done to him would greatly help your hd though, I would expect.

What about YOU? You need support in all this too, what with what your DH is going through, you are working aren't you? And having to support him in so much pain. You will be needing someone to talk too, to help you as well. I know what it is like to be the (usually haha) stable one when everything is falling apart in a family, it is not easy.

Hugs, it seems so futile but all I can offer you online XXX

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes I work full time, keep the house running and this is another thing to try and figure out on top of the heroin-addict step-son! I think I may have to book a session with the psychiatrist myself ...

Mojisola

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

All my OH wants is for his parents to believe him and open their eyes about their daugher.

All his parents want is to live out their final years without losing contact with any of their children. What on earth can be done?!

Two polar opposites - if he becomes too set on wanting them to see things from his point of view, he may be very disappointed.

They won't want to lose contact with their daughter. They may not want to face up to the fact she did these things. They are probably going back over their memories trying to work out whether they should have seen what was going on and stopped it and feeling very guilty.

The danger with forcing the issue - making them take sides now - is that they may prefer to think he's imaging these things because that makes life more comfortable for them. If they side with her, he could end up being cut out of the family.

I would hope that a good therapist would guide him towards accepting what has happened but making his future feelings independent of his parents' and sister's reactions.

ValHaller

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

The sister is still a very big influence on the family and she is a very controlling person. I personally think she has narcassistic tendancies. Many extended family members have been on the receiving end of her verbal abuse but the parents just say "oh that's just how she is" and excuse it. Well I'm sorry, but right now I'm thinking that's like saying "oh that's just Jimmy Saville and it's how he is"... it's NOT RIGHT!!

Without diminishing anything which has happened to your OH, it is fair to say that the sister must have had her nose put squarely out of joint by the arrival of a 4 year old boy. For actions at the age of 7 she could not be held accountable now. You have to view her as a damaged person.

FWIW, I think that the parents do have some awareness - the instances with the cookery lesson food must stick out - and I think that their reaction at the time indicates that they felt guilty about what they had done to their daughter. Although I think they were rather pusillanimous in the way they addressed it. It would have been better for them to refuse the cookery lesson food themselves unless everyone had an opportunity to try.

WSM, I think that your acceptance of his story is important here and it is best to avoid raising any hope that any other family member apart from younger brother will acknowledge anything much. At the end of the day, he is the least culpable and probably the least damaged of them all and probably the only one who can come out mended.

Don't worry about the parents. That it comes out now gives them their opportunity to acknowledge and put it right. But if it makes them ill, then so be it.

whitewing

Have you had a carer's assessment?

It also may be worth speaking to a mental health advocate. They can help you all understand how the mh process should work because sometimes what seems a personal affront is just the way the system works, and sometimes you can not get on with a mh worker and put it down to 'the system', when in fact changes could be made.

As far as my family are concerned mh issues don't exist in the family. Even if you can force them to confront it, you may never get the acknowledgement you are searching for from them. Mh professionals can help you deal with it all. It is right that it is coming out for your DH and he shouldn't suppress it but it may not be helpful to him to to discuss it with a family who themselves can't cope with it all.

Bitsy_Beans

Worriedstepmum wrote: »

Interestingly, now I'm reading about dealing with childhood abuse during adulthood, many of the symptoms typically displayed by an adult who was abused are the same as symptoms of someone with Asperger's...

Might I ask if you could point me in the direction of where you're reading that?

I don't have any advice regarding his parents, I hope they can come to terms with this news.

As for you OH a good counsellor is the best way to go xxx