Should appearances matter?

Imp

You went on a date, but did he go on a date? Did he just meet someone off the internet with the same unusual hobby for drinks after work?

ostrichnomore_2

Good point. It was sort of halfway. It was an informal 'meet up' rather than a full on date, but on the other hand it was very clearly to see if we liked each other with a view to dating if we did...if you see what I mean?

ValHaller

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I hadn't met him in person before. We share an unusual hobby and sort of 'met' online through that, and then we've talked on the phone a few times as well. This was just an informal 'let's meet for coffee after work' rather than a full on date , so I wasn't exactly dressed up to the nines either...so casual/from work I wouldn't mind. It's more the complete lack of style that is bothering me...let's assume it was his work clothes and for some reason he didn't/couldn't smarten up a bit, that's not so bad.

But the hair...urk. Don't get me wrong, it was clean and tidy, just awful style. And put me off big time. And that is really shallow, isn't it...

It sounds to me like he took it at face value and did not go out of his way to dress up for the occasion - possibly to avoid putting you off by making too much of it.

OllysMum_2

If the attraction was there, you wouldn't be so critical of his appearance. I think your instinct is telling you "Move along now!"

There will be someone else along soon..

ellay864

I used to use chat rooms and met several guys from there. One was drop dead gorgeous and we did go out a few times but it fizzled out as we clearly didn't have enough in common as we got to know each other better. Another was also gorgeous but we just didn't click in that way at all, though we stayed friends for some time. I got chatting to one guy (lets call him Tim) for ages online before we finally arranged a date and I was convinced that would go somewhere; at the same time there was another (Kev) who I'd talked to in a much more casual way, there was no hint of an online relationship but he worked near me and we agreed to meet for lunch. I met Tim first and I cant put my finger on it but "it" just wasnt there - he looked fine, was polite and funny and attentie but it all felt an effort. The following week I met Kev, older, more casually dressed, and with no hint of anything between us but got on so much better - maybe because it wasn't a date. We aranged to meet again...where a goodbye kiss had a bit of something to it...and 9 years on we're married. It's not just about judging on looks - it's just that feeling that it's right or not. And you can do all the online flirting, deep meaningful talking, crying on shoulders, having fun...but sometimes you meet and the chemistry just isn't there. Just chalk it down to experience. If you think you like him enough to meet as friends then fine but if you really felt awkward then cut and run - it'll be kinder for both of you

marisco_2

ostrichnomore wrote: »

What is a deal breaker for you on appearances?

A deal breaker for me would be meeting someone who doesn't make even the bare minimum of effort when putting themselves in a social situation that requires it. If I had been in your shoes I would have felt somewhat annoyed and humiliated by a date turning up to meet me looking scruffy. What kind of person goes on a date wearing stained clothes!

To me that shows a total lack of understanding of social etiquette and very little interest in personal hygiene. I would not wish to see them again even if we got on. I attend regular social functions but would not feel able to invite this kind of person along in case they decided to turn up again dressed as you describe.

Expecting a basic standard of appearance is not shallow or the same as only being interested in dating people who are good looking.

BitterAndTwisted

Someone who can't be @rsed to change out of a stained jumper when he had plenty of time to has little respect for himself and absolutely none for you. Dodgy haircuts and little to no clothes-sense can be changed, no respect can't.

Tish_P

If the spark was there you wouldn't be umming and aahing. Nice chap, no mutual attraction, move along.

It's not shallow to be honest with yourself, and besides, people can be as picky and "shallow" as they like (provided they understand that their insistence on a six foot stunner doesn't oblige the universe to provide one). A partner isn't a job opening that you have to allow all candidates a fair shot at.

maman

go_cat wrote: »

Personally I would be put off by his lack of effort in the dress stakes

FBaby wrote: »

To me it's not appearances that matter, it's looking after yourself and taking pride in the person you are.

To me the way you look is part of respect for yourself and others. On the face of it this guy hasn't made any effort when he knew he was coming to meet you. It's not shallow to think that way.

ellay864 wrote: »

It's not just about judging on looks - it's just that feeling that it's right or not.

If you really think there's something there then give him a second chance. He may just be totally clueless and uninterested in his appearance. Some women can live with that others not. My BIL got married recently. It wasn't that he was a scruff but he's a bit careful with money and a bit of a Peter Pan so he wore clothes that were either out of the ark (like a coat from C&A:rotfl:) or hideous stonewashed jeans. 3 months on from his wedding, he has a new coat, new trousers......

miss_independent

A guy that's interesting, sweet and kind but whom I definitely am not physically attracted to = a friend in my world lol.

I think appearances do matter I'm afraid. I'm not shallow but I've got to be physically attracted to someone to have a relationship with someone and certain things are just a turn off to me. He doesn't have to be absolutely gorgeous but good personal hygiene is a must for a start.

There's a guy I've liked for many years, when I first met him he was absolutely gorgeous but more so has amazing personal qualities and is genuinely such a good guy. He has since chopped most of his hair off (like down to a number 1) and grown a pretty nasty beard and because of this he isn't as good looking as he used to be anymore but I still love him to bits because of his personal qualities. I still find him attractive because of who he is despite the fact I hate his new hair and minging beard lol!