Should appearances matter?

ostrichnomore_2

I had a first date the other day (first one since splitting from ex last year). Now I like to think I'm not a shallow person and appearances don't really matter to me, and they don't in that I don't really go on looks (hey, I'm no oil painting myself) and I'm fairly casual myself, but the way this guy presented himself (clothes and hair) made me feel :undecided: and definitely not and it's put me off. Which is a shame as he seems nice and we have a lot in common. Am I just being shallow? What is a deal breaker for you on appearances?

Clothes - we met up 'after work' so I assumed that the nylon trousers and nasty bobbly jumper with a stain on were his work uniform (fair enough) but then he told me he'd finished work hours ago that day. So I'm left wondering if either he didn't bother changing out of his work stuff when he could have done, or those are his real clothes...

Hair. - He is very bald. Which is 100% fine. But what wasn't fine was that he had one of those Robert Robertson thin rings of hair left around the edges, which he'd grown to a couple of inches long. These days it's pretty much the norm to crop remaining hair really short, and that's a good look, but this was, just, yuk. Only one step better than a comb-over. Sorry. I know that's bad of me.

So...guy in his 50s with the style sense of someone 30 or 40 years older?

Am I bad for being put off? I keep telling myself it's what's inside that matters, but I also felt like I was out with my grandad! Oddly enough he seemed a bit hung up on being older than me (not a lot) and a few times made a point of talking about feeling young, and not acting his age etc...just a weird contradiction there...he makes himself look a lot older than he really is, but he's bothered by being older?

georgiesmum

Why did you agree to a date in the first place if his looks didn't attract? Not making an effort on a date or any other occasion is insulting. He sounds a slob who thinks he doesn't have to make an effort.

ostrichnomore_2

I hadn't met him in person before. We share an unusual hobby and sort of 'met' online through that, and then we've talked on the phone a few times as well. This was just an informal 'let's meet for coffee after work' rather than a full on date , so I wasn't exactly dressed up to the nines either...so casual/from work I wouldn't mind. It's more the complete lack of style that is bothering me...let's assume it was his work clothes and for some reason he didn't/couldn't smarten up a bit, that's not so bad.

But the hair...urk. Don't get me wrong, it was clean and tidy, just awful style. And put me off big time. And that is really shallow, isn't it...

Tigsteroonie

You say you met up after work. As others have said, try a second date - but arrange something a little more 'special' like going out to dinner at a posh place. See how he dresses and acts then before making a final decision - at least you'll know if he always dresses like a slob!

As regards the hair, some men simply don't care. If you decide this is worth pursuing, you might have to take that side of things in hand

go_cat

Personally I would be put off by his lack of effort in the dress stakes

scooby088

From a blokes point of view the first few dates should dress smart as trying to impress, not to make an effort in my book is saying that I am not that really into you.

He's in his fifties so I guess he is comfortable in the way he is with himself, dressing to impress, why don't you arrange a second date and ask him to wear something stylish, maybe he hasn't been on the dating scene for sometime and has forgotten how to groom and dress to impress.

FBaby

To me it's not appearances that matter, it's looking after yourself and taking pride in the person you are.

I would be immediately turned off by someone who didn't share this attitude. It's not about being good looking or perfectly fit, but wanting to be the best you can be from a physical and mental health perspective.

gregg1

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I hadn't met him in person before. We share an unusual hobby and sort of 'met' online through that, and then we've talked on the phone a few times as well. This was just an informal 'let's meet for coffee after work' rather than a full on date , so I wasn't exactly dressed up to the nines either...so casual/from work I wouldn't mind. It's more the complete lack of style that is bothering me...let's assume it was his work clothes and for some reason he didn't/couldn't smarten up a bit, that's not so bad.

But the hair...urk. Don't get me wrong, it was clean and tidy, just awful style. And put me off big time. And that is really shallow, isn't it...

I think it is relevant, particularly when you first meet someone.

Don't beat yourself up. First impressions do count and if you find there is something about someone that does not rock your boat there is nothing wrong with that. It's not a job interview, this could be a potential partner and it has to be right for you.

I do think he has shown a distinct lack of respect by turning up in that state.

Better luck next time.

geri1965_2

I think there are some people who are just not really "into" clothes and just put on anything with no thought to how they look, which is fair enough. On the other hand social convention does rather dictate that you should at least make an effort to look clean and tidy, so if he is unaware of that then I'd be thinking maybe he is a little odd.

I'd be thinking that he probably hadn't washed either, which would definitely put me off.

ostrichnomore_2

http://www.aurafancydress.co.uk/4371-large/wig-bald-head-brown-hair-eyebrows.jpg

That's the hair, a bit exaggerated of course. I just can't get past it. But he does seem nice otherwise. Why would you have hair like that??!!!! I'm what they call conflicted. I shouldn't care about this. It's the personality that matters. But clearly I do care. Even if that makes me a bad person.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on the clothes. It was 'after work' so ok to wear work clothes. also it was just a casual meet up really rather than a 'date'. I made the effort, but we could just have interpreted all this very differently. Although we knew we were sort of scouting each other out with dating in mind.

OK, so 2nd date, NOT after work, see what he turns up like. Good idea. He might be completely different in different circumstances. If not, I'll know he is not making any effort and forget about it. Thanks :-)

onlyroz

I'm not into conventionally good looking men but there would have to be some sort of physical attraction for me to want to continue seeing them. If your instincts are saying "no" then perhaps you should let this one slide.