The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 12

41_and_i_know_it

11 af days

satchmo1

11/20 AFDs

Barny1979

10 AFDs for me after last night :-)

Lilith1980

Hi all, 7 AFDs for me please Shaggy.

It was nice to meet with my mum yesterday, but she'd booked this meal which had a deal where you had 3 courses plus a bottle of wine. I said at the beginning that I wouldn't be drinking.

So when the waiter came he asked if we wanted white or red, my mum asked which I'd prefer so I had to remind her again. Then after the waiter had poured the wine she asked if I was sure I didn't want a glass, to which I said "no". Then a bit later she asked if I had still not had a drink at all since I saw her in January. I said I'd had some on bank holiday but didn't want to drink for the sake of drinking. In all honesty, I felt like screaming and telling her to stop questioning me!!!!

Even typing this is raising my anxiety levels. I didn't get home 'til 9pm as I got a slow (and cheap) train home. I felt like a bottle of wine so OH and I went to the shop, but when I picked it up I thought "Do I want this because I want to savour the alcohol, or do I want it because I feel the need to relax". When I visualised drinking it, I realised that I didn't want the taste of wine, I just needed to wind down and when I thought about it a mug of hot chocolate seemed like a much better idea. So I put the wine back and had a hot chocolate at home

So, I am proud that I could realise what was behind my craving on this occasion.

But I am left with mixed feelings about my mum. As some of you know, we had a deep heart to heart earlier in the year and I found out how my dad had died. I thought it would bring us closer, but I don't feel that way. I can tell that my mum really likes seeing me and she couldn't stop hugging me before I got on the train home, but if I am honest I feel very smothered by her and it's suffocating. She's asked if I want to go somewhere else in July and I am part annoyed because it costs me £60 to get down to see her, which isn't a small amount of money, and also I can only see my family for so long before I need to retreat back home into my own space. So I am feeling a bit on edge about all this at the moment. I am wondering if I will ever really feel that I want to be round my family

maman

Interesting post Lilith. That was amazing resolve you showed at the restaurant and when you got home.:T IMO you should keep seeing your mum when you can. It may be that she's getting more from the relationship than you but she is your mum. I got like that with my mum as she got older. Relationships can shift over time. Now you've got your new place, any chance she could come to you instead to save you a bit of money?

Still making progress here. Yesterday, I started drinking at 6 p.m. but it was almost 7 p.m. before I poured the second glass. I think it was because DH was with me and I was watching the football. Maybe I should ban myself from tippling in the kitchen when I'm cooking. I just don't like myself drinking so quickly even if I stop when I've had enough.

Barny1979

Day 11 of 28 this month.

Slowdown

Hi Everyone,

Thanks to you all for the encouragement. I managed to stay AF on Friday night after the excessess of Thursday and last night only drank 2.5 units. I really wanted more but got up and made a cup of tea instead. My DH asked for one too and then told me this morning that he likes it when I do that because it gives him a break from the drinking too. I think I may use this strategy again.

graemecarter - I read your post with interest and understand completely why you don't drink at all anymore. The debating society in your head really struck a chord with me as I constantly do this and frankly it's exhausting. Thanks for that.

Lilith - Its completely understandable that you don't feel like spending too much time with your mum. I'm the same. I see my mum two or three times a year, usually for a chunk at a time as I live almost 350 miles away now. I find it a test. I went to do a degree in Portsmouth when I was younger, she lives near Carlisle. It was partly to put distance between us. I now live on the outskirts of London. We don't argue too much but I feel stressed by her behaviours, which are not ill intended or terrible in any way. It's just the way it is. I try to be a good daughter but I think we are very different people. Don't worry or feel guilty about it. After all we don't choose our families.
I just accept it these days.

I am including tonight as AF as I have no intention of drinking so that brings me up to 8 AF days. Woohoo!

Kind regards to all
Slowdown:)

Lilith1980

Thanks all - well OH and I are going down in June because I haven't seen my nan for a while so we will see mum again which she's pleased about.

Then my mum is coming up at the beginning of July as it's my graduation from the masters I did last year. But then this party she has asked if I want to go to is a few days after the graduation so to be honest I feel it's all a bit too much for me. She hasn't placed any pressure on me but I feel like she'd really like me to go and I am feeling the pressure, and to be honest I don't want to go.

It's not just the anxiety, I have my uni research to do which is going to take up a lot of time over the next few months, plus paying out £60 two months on the trot to go down to London is money I can't really afford to spend. Fundamentally I just feel it's too much contact for me in one go. I can't describe it, it just gets me on edge.

I think I feel 'safer' when I am with OH as I can almost hide behind him as not all the questions are being aimed at me. It's not that my mum is awful or horrible, not at all. And I do want to see her and have a relationship because I don't want to have any regrets as she gets older. But I do find it very hard to feel close, maybe I never will...but maybe that is ok because that is how I feel. But I also want my mum to be happy too.....bit of a mess lol

41_and_i_know_it

Mums eh? Ditto ditto and ditto. Now I am a mum too, God help my two lol. I hope that I am not like my mum, I would hope that I would never blackmail or con or steal from my own kids. Too much has gone on for me to ever trust or rely upon her or be close to her but I keep up the pretence, I see her almost every day and it's all about her, believe me. As long as she gets everything she wants, she's happy. 12 AF days.

CuppaTea

Hello everyone, just did a quick bit of catching up and identified with Mecnaps, Satchmo, 41, Shaggy and Lileth, alongside many others.

Waves Hello.

Sorry i've been more absent of late, I am still here reading, not everyday but I try to ensure I catch up, even if I can't comment or chat. I just havent got enough arms or time to fit everything in and i feel shattered in RL doing the constant juggling act.

Well the divorce word is now being mentioned, DH wants to wait another year and then go for the 2 year seperation. It makes sense but the word divorce isnt sitting that comfortably at the moment with me. Most of the time I can carry on and live life coping, but now and again the reality of the situation makes it all too hard to bear.

I am cross with myself at the moment too as my 1 drinking day a week has turned into 3 this week, totally unheard of for me, for such a long time now. So I think i've drunk 4 days so far this month and one quite heavily, felt rough this morning, so the stop button clearly wasn't exercised. Again cos it hasn't happended for a long time, i feel i let myself down, especially with kids in the house. Bad news.

Anyway, back on track again this week, if i concentrate and don't drink this weekend i should still make my target. I have no reason to if I am honest and I don't want to let myself down.

I can identify with what someone said about only starting to feel tempted by alcohol when colleagues or friends started talking about it, it puts the thought into your head. Another trigger for me was the sunny evenings, smelling bbq's cooking, relaxing in the garden late afternoon etc, its all triggers from previous years when I didn't even think twice about having a drink. If I had 1 AF day a week, that was good!

Hmmm, this needs more thought, I have cut down drastically so am I giving myself a hard time as I am worried I let the rules slip so easily, or am I worried because I might slip back to old habits. No I don't think or hope I will as I am not buying alcohol, so once what is in the house has gone, i wont be replacing it. My money is already accounted for and alcohol isn't part of it.

I haven't felt in a good place since Friday, the separation, sorting out the house, divorce, solicitors, not having the kids for 24 hours, job hunting pressures from JSA and feeling like I have no control or security in my life.

"Whatever the problem, alcohol doesn't solve it!!!".