Narcissistic mother - Making sense of it all.. :(

happyhaddock_2

scottish_lassy wrote: »

I hope not Nixe!!!!!! The child of a narcissist is trained to serve others and keep the narcissist happy, therefore their own needs must be bottom of the pile. That is definately not narcissistic behaviour!!! Although, I think you can be attracted to narcissistic friends, partners etc because that is your comfort zone (serving others and keeping everyone happy) and how you expect to be treated!

I also seem to have an innate characteristic for fixing everyone's problems for them and making their lives easy as the cost of my own. I am still learning how to take a step back and accept that's not my job.

SL I can identify with every word of that, I know where I am when I'm being controlled

nixe

happyhaddock is there any help out there?
i was reading the blog that i have just saved,
in my case dont think dad was nar... but do think he was evil.
but these nara... seem to recieve pleasure from the things they do
and can truely mess up peeps heads.
the thing that comes across is they are doing it on purpose
so hopefully it can be reversed.

happyhaddock_2

Its not easy nixe, I found that its taken me years to get to the stage where I was strong enough to stand up to her (I wrote her a letter). I couldnt believe that she knew what she was doing, how can anyone be that calculating? But unfortunately I think that is the case and their needs come before anyone elses.

Just try to be strong, its easier once you realise its them who have the problem NOT you x

Blue_Monkey

I'm not sure if it's altogether suitable for me to post on this thread given that some of you have really severe/harsh mothers to deal with, but I have a couple of questions/thoughts.

A lot of the descriptors on the parishmiller page ring true for my mother. But not all, and I'm fairly sure there's some of those traits in most people, no? Certainly I could see some of my own personalities traits there, which does concern me, particularly as I have my own (baby) daughter now.

Is it possible for someone to show only narc tendancies and be only semi-narc, rather than being a full-on narc? I'm 99% sure my grandmother (ie mum's mum) was definitely narcissistic, but I feel dreadful thinking that my own mum has some of the same characteristics. She isn't a bad woman, just is sometimes tricky to deal with and needs "handling" in a way I've never had to even entertain with anyone else.

I also wonder whether some of it is simply because of the way she was treated as a child, and the relationship with her mother?

Cutting contact isn't something I want or need to do, but there are times when I know I need to keep my mum at arm's length. Is that the only way to deal with a semi-narc?

And... if it's hereditary to an extent, what hope is there for me?!

tenke

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I'm not sure if it's altogether suitable for me to post on this thread given that some of you have really severe/harsh mothers to deal with, but I have a couple of questions/thoughts.

A lot of the descriptors on the parishmiller page ring true for my mother. But not all, and I'm fairly sure there's some of those traits in most people, no? Certainly I could see some of my own personalities traits there, which does concern me, particularly as I have my own (baby) daughter now.

Is it possible for someone to show only narc tendancies and be only semi-narc, rather than being a full-on narc? I'm 99% sure my grandmother (ie mum's mum) was definitely narcissistic, but I feel dreadful thinking that my own mum has some of the same characteristics. She isn't a bad woman, just is sometimes tricky to deal with and needs "handling" in a way I've never had to even entertain with anyone else.

I also wonder whether some of it is simply because of the way she was treated as a child, and the relationship with her mother?

Cutting contact isn't something I want or need to do, but there are times when I know I need to keep my mum at arm's length. Is that the only way to deal with a semi-narc?

And... if it's hereditary to an extent, what hope is there for me?!

I'm not completely sure, but i dont think it is hereditary, I know I would never act like that with my children if I had them in the future..

What I do think is that sometimes we can repeat some of our parents patterns unconsciously BUT when we get a wake up call from outiside, lets say maybe your daughter's reaction to what you do, then you realize that you were just repeating a pattern, and that it was not really you, if it makes sense?

I dont know if you can be semi-nar or not, i think when you disply that lack of human empathy with people , family you are suppose to love, then definitely something is not right.

Whenever I compare what "normal mothers " do as opposed to how my mother has behaved it is black and white, there's something wrong in her way of "loving me" in her utter lack of empathy to my suffering caused by her or even by others.

It is quite complex, I am quite happy the article has made people think, and reflect because sometimes we dont know we are victims of abuse until we see it from a completely impartial source.

happyhaddock_2

Ive just bumped up my original post 'I dont like my mother' as theres a lot of really god advice and help in it x

Own_My_Own

happyhaddock wrote: »

Ive just bumped up my original post 'I dont like my mother' as theres a lot of really god advice and help in it x

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

happyhaddock_2

Thanks omo, didnt know how to do a link. Think my computer's going nuts tonight. It should say good advice in my last post!

KxMx

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I'm not sure if it's altogether suitable for me to post on this thread given that some of you have really severe/harsh mothers to deal with, but I have a couple of questions/thoughts.

A lot of the descriptors on the parishmiller page ring true for my mother. But not all, and I'm fairly sure there's some of those traits in most people, no? Certainly I could see some of my own personalities traits there, which does concern me, particularly as I have my own (baby) daughter now.

Is it possible for someone to show only narc tendancies and be only semi-narc, rather than being a full-on narc? I'm 99% sure my grandmother (ie mum's mum) was definitely narcissistic, but I feel dreadful thinking that my own mum has some of the same characteristics. She isn't a bad woman, just is sometimes tricky to deal with and needs "handling" in a way I've never had to even entertain with anyone else.

I also wonder whether some of it is simply because of the way she was treated as a child, and the relationship with her mother?

Cutting contact isn't something I want or need to do, but there are times when I know I need to keep my mum at arm's length. Is that the only way to deal with a semi-narc?

And... if it's hereditary to an extent, what hope is there for me?!

I do think there are varying degrees of narcissism. I know I have for the most part worked things out with my Mum, I certainly recognised traits on happyhaddock's thread (such as when she was in the wrong she would instead play the victim and guilt me), but not to a degree as some describe.

I don't think in any way it is hereditary, and I wouldn't worry about your relationship with your own DD because you have broken free of the grooming/control and recognised these behaviours as not normal/wrong etc etc. So you are very unlikely to repeat them!

I know my Nan is very nosy and that is where my Mum got it from in all likelihood. She chose to answer the questions from her mother and I have chosen not to from mine. But my Nan and my Mother do have very different personalities overall.

nixe

(I wrote her a letter). I couldnt believe that she knew what she was doing, how can anyone be that calculating?

hi happy, that is disgusting she knew how could any mum do such a thing. thing is some woman are bad you know you have now grown and come across as lovely, so you have not taken on her traits.
your mum is surpose to hug you when you hurt your knee,
as with great aunt she was not like that, everyone was glad she was not their mum
not trying to personal but have you cut of ties with your mum
you dont have to answer as this is public forum.
my aunt was with her mother when she was dying an her mum said to her you should never have been born.
broke aunts heart.