Narcissistic mother - Making sense of it all.. :(

tenke

bacardi66 wrote: »

she can still get to me and upset me more than anyone else has ever been able to.

I have a really good life but she is the one massive negative thing in it that I just can't seem to cope with

At some point it has to go away Bacardi, we just dont know when, but it will

We all deserve a good life with peace of mind

scottish_lassy

as you let your mother go, you begin to ignore the fact that 'everyone on the High Street is HORRIFIED by your behaviour!' (was told that all my life). By not being told all the time how useless you are, you will be able to let others in to your life slowly. I also had no father (mum managed to chase him away), no husband (mum made sure he went too!). After I decided on no contact, my father got in touch and after 45 yrs, we are building a 'sort' of relationship. As you get more confident, friends will come. Still haven't got a husband tho!!!!

Because you feel you are to blame (for everything), the child of a narcisisst has great difficulty sharing and feels alot of shame. I never had close friends as a child in case they found out what an awful person I was. (that's the narcisissts way of isolating you so that you depend on them even more). Do some reading up in order to finally understand she has a problem .............. and it's not you.

scottish_lassy

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

fedupnow

I still visit my mum when I can muster up the effort. I only go when I know I can ignore what she says and resist telling her anything. It's getting much more infrequent lately. Only once since Christmas. She knows nothing about my life anymore so she can't pick holes in it.

She is only happy if I'm miserable. That's okay. She can be lonely. But, oh the guilt.

I can't remember the last time me and my mother touched each other. I feel very, VERY guilty for saying this, but the thought of receiving a hug off her makes my skin crawl.

If I'm totally honest, there are days when I hate she is so healthy and good people die young.

tenke

scottish_lassy wrote: »

. I never had close friends as a child in case they found out what an awful person I was. (that's the narcisissts way of isolating you so that you depend on them even more). Do some reading up in order to finally understand she has a problem .............. and it's not you.

Oh my God, I had something similar to the friends experience, though in a different way. I wanted SOO badly to invite friends home when i was in my teens, she never allowed me.. why?

Because she said when they saw our house ( we were rather poor) they would desert me, not be my friends anymore. Thats why I had to distance myself from social outings and being resented by friends as all were visiting each other at that point.
I always was of the idea, that why would you think the worst at first? but she made me very mistrustful as I was growing up.
Literally they innocent person who wouldnt think with malice about other people , had that view tainted as years went by.. oh Jesus:cool:

scottish_lassy

fedupnow wrote: »

I can't remember the last time me and my mother touched each other. I feel very, VERY guilty for saying this, but the thought of receiving a hug off her makes my skin crawl.

wow... struck a chord. When my mum was literally having her heart attack, her hand was on the hospital bed, and I thought if that was a stranger I would hold her hand but I felt if I touched her hand, she would immediately withdraw her hand as if I was poison! I also cannot remember the last time I ever touched her - maybe as a child? And by the way, the thought of touching her would also disgust me. So sad.

Trust is extremely hard as most people have a good secure trust base as children, knowing they can trust their parents and family. The narcisisst blows so hot and cold, you spend your whole childhood trying to assess the situation and what is the best way to keep mother on an even keel - survival instinct of children. Also rages and affection are so unpredictable, you have to be ready for everything and have to protect your own emotions.

nixe

scottish_lassy wrote: »

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

thank you for this i think well know my aunt has suffered because of her mother, every one just thought aunt mother was selfish.
will pass this one.
its not passed on down the family is in as in genetics.

scottish_lassy

I hope not Nixe!!!!!! The child of a narcissist is trained to serve others and keep the narcissist happy, therefore their own needs must be bottom of the pile. That is definately not narcissistic behaviour!!! Although, I think you can be attracted to narcissistic friends, partners etc because that is your comfort zone (serving others and keeping everyone happy) and how you expect to be treated!

I also seem to have an innate characteristic for fixing everyone's problems for them and making their lives easy as the cost of my own. I am still learning how to take a step back and accept that's not my job.

nixe

Although, I think you can be attracted to narcissistic friends, partners etc because that is your comfort zone (serving others and keeping everyone happy) and how you expect to be treated!

scottish lady i hope you can heal and look after yourself at times.
its nice helping others but sometimes you have to put yourself first.
yes that would fit with aunt, her hubby was one of the nastiest men i have ever met.
great aunt she was horrid to aunt but she was good with her direct son. only aunt she picked on throwing pans of boiling hot water and washing her with a scrubbing brush etc.
family had to protect aunt, and wanted great aunt commited but she was sane there was nothing wrong with her.
family did get the kids when they were about 8 years old but their mum was in and out of their lifes.
my aunt still suffers to this day cause of her childhood i need to show her this and hopefully even though she is now late 50's she can begin to heal.
it reads of mothers can fathers be nar...... as well?

happyhaddock_2

So sad to see so many of us still struggling They really don't know, or care, how much it affects us all our lives x