Narcissistic mother - Making sense of it all.. :(

Own_My_Own

happyhaddock wrote: »

Thanks omo, didnt know how to do a link. Think my computer's going nuts tonight. It should say good advice in my last post!

The easiest way is to open the thread/ site you want in another tab, then copy and paste it.

HTH.

tenke

happyhaddock wrote: »

Ive just bumped up my original post 'I dont like my mother' as theres a lot of really god advice and help in it x

Thanks, I am reading it for the fist time, as I think I saw it before but the topic was too painful for me to open it then but now I am reading other people's stories as well. It is enlightening

nixe

tenke wrote: »

Thanks, I am reading it for the fist time, as I think I saw it before but the topic was too painful for me to open it then but now I am reading other people's stories as well. It is enlightening

i have read some of this thread as well,
dont know if i replied on it as my mum was lovely.
loved her to bits and back in 2011 i was still going through
some sort of breakdown as she died 3 weeks after finding out she had cancer she was 57. anyway what i did read back then was a shock on how many people had bad mums.

karren

thank you so much for posting this, id just come off phone to my sister and we had a good chat about our mother

Ive cut off all contact with her for own reasons but this link is v v familiar the only way i can manage my life is without her in it, and i feel so guilty but can now see ive dont eh right thing

but need to stop being a doormat for others so thank you x

karren

scottish_lassy wrote: »

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

thank you xxx

scottish_lassy

for those wondering about heredity - I have a fabby relationship with my daughter and she totally understands why I can sometimes be reserved and very guarded about my emotions.

I think it is natural for all of us to have some narcisisstic qualities, that is survival BUT to have so many, that your own welfare is paramount (even above your children) and no emotional empathy is damaging. It is also sad that the damaged hard-wiring is somehow linked to trauma in the narcisisst's childhood but for some reason the nar will never refer to childhood emotions (with any honesty). Just shows how we as parents can have a such an effect on, not only our own children, but future generations!

Alibat

My father ticks most of the list of narc characteristics. He's 82, I'm 50, and even though I've had no contact with him for nearly three years I've not managed to get past the feelings of self doubt and guilt.

I've never posted on a narc parent thread before but reading them, and knowing I'm not alone, makes me feel so much better about not seeing him.

Another family member is meeting him for lunch next Friday, and through them he's asked me to go along. Just the thought of seeing him made me feel physically ill, had me in tears and brought all the self doubt and guilt up to the surface again.

I would not know where to start in listing the things he has said and done to me since childhood so I won't go down that route other than to say after one truly cruel telephone call ten years or so ago where he ripped every aspect of my life to shreds he later denied saying any of it by saying that 'he hadn't brought me up to be a liar but he didn't say any of those things'. It took me a long time to recover from that but it was actually a major turning point as I finally began to realise he was the one with the problem and not me.

To the poster who was concerned it was hereditary - from my own family experiences I'd say it is learned as my paternal grandfather was what I can only describe as a narc on speed. It doesn't excuse my father but it does explain an awful lot about him, and as I'm very aware of the behaviour I've been on my guard and have a very good relationship with both of my daughters.

Mojisola

Alibat wrote: »

Another family member is meeting him for lunch next Friday, and through them he's asked me to go along. Just the thought of seeing him made me feel physically ill, had me in tears and brought all the self doubt and guilt up to the surface again.

I hope you're not going.

Alibat

Definitely not!

Did feel a bit pressured by my DH though.

KxMx

I'm sorry you don't feel supported by you DH. Have you been fully open and honest with him about why you have no contact, what has happened in the past etc?

Alot of people have nice parents and can't comprehend cutting one off, so we get cast in the role as villian instead of the person we've cut ourselves off from. Sometimes honesty and full disclosure opens their minds, while others stick doggedly to the mantra of "but it's your sainted mum/dad so you're the horrible one".


I know alot of family told my brother he should speak/see our Dad, until they were told the full truth of why, and they soon shut up and never said those things again! I wouldn't call my Dad a narcissist, he was more openly abusive and a very immature man who also inhabits his own world- where he sees things one way and the rest of the world sees them the real way. He thinks Mum& him are best of friends despite getting zero encouragement from her (in fact she's had to put a stop to email pestering, him harking back to the past etc and things no married man should say to another woman let alone an ex) and she hates him in reality!

It irks me no end the attitudes we get subjected to, I fully understand it can be hard to comprehend a parent doing such things as have been recounted on here to someone who had a warm and loving relationships with their own parents. But on the other hand, they are adults with brains, who chances are, has a funny work colleague, knows a strange parent at their kids school etc etc. They see on tv women like Karen Matthews. Prisoners in documentaries who have done terrible crimes who have kids. So why do we have to be the ones in the wrong. They have brains they can work it out and put aside the assumption that all parents are normal/loving/caring/nuturing!