My husband has anxiety problems

megan01

benjismum wrote: »

Hi Megan, thanks for a great post

The problem with him doing a hobby is he tells himself he needs to be REALLY good at it, better than anyone else. I don't know where he gets this from, I couldn't give two hoots if I lose at something. So he's kind of shooting himself in the foot all the time. But yes, I do think it would be a very good idea.

He wanted to start exercising more often, (not to lose weight, but to tone up and build up his strength) he has a desk job and only gets outside at the weekends with me and the dog. As I'm trying to lose weight at the moment we said we'd start and do an exercise dvd some evenings. This has only happened twice because he's too busy worrying about other things. I put just dance on the wii some nights and he comes and joins in with that sometimes which is fun.

I'll get him to write down all his interests so he's got something to choose from when he's got spare time. He's got far more interests than he thinks he has! As for the being content doing nothing - I'm finding it heaven! I've got lots of time now to do my crafting and am trying to relax more (I tend to rush about doing things then end up exhausted). Sometimes when we've, say, played a game, he'll say straightaway "what are we doing next?" which is exhausting sometimes, especially on long, wet weekends!

One good thing, he's told his boss and a woman he works with what's going on and they're really understanding as they've both had issues in the past. Also he's told one of his schoolfriends who he keeps in contact with via msn and his aunt.

I feel much better already just getting this all off my chest today, I was shaking while I was writing the first post. Thanks so much everyone

I think the competitiveness you're talking about, might have something to do with 'perfecting' everything, which is a characteristic of anxiety, if something is slightly off, it can propel anxiety. I think if he goes to this darts thing, and it isn't a pressurised environment, and is more for the social side of things, it might help him to relax and learn to behave in a different manner once he's gone a few times.It's good he's telling people, especially his work as they will be lenient with him. Aslong as he keeps a fundamentally basic routine in his life that he grows comfortable with and is 'normal' then you can gradually build upon it. Make sure he doesn't drink alcohol though or smoke, these can exacerbate things.

Errata

victory wrote: »

Talking is excellent to, if he cannot attend CBT then why not buy him the CBT book for dummies? Excellent book, there are ideas, tips, pages of ' home work' to do, if one keeps aware, keeps writing, reading, talking it all be ones much clearer and can calm

As well as the Dummies book, there's an NHS recommended online DIY CBT course which might help http://www.llttf.com/

saterkey

Interesting thread, sorry hubby is feeling this way. A few things struck me, i was told off all the time when i was eating for scraping the fork and knife on plate, so much that i didnt like to eat in front of people for a long time. I was a boarding school where hardly anyone including teachers talked to you, when i was home it was much the same, so i have to push myself to go out and socialise which i find hard and do tend to go into hibernation mode. im a bit of perfectionist like lists, worry alot etc. I think a lot of people are like it to be honest, just some more than others. Im better when im working and busy, have started to listen to music more that drones out the negative talk, keep pushing myself with things to do etc. Hes good hes got you, you do need to maybe go out yourself though to speak to others so you can come back refreshed to help him. Maybe look for a support socialising group that you could join in, even something like the ramblers as you like walking. good luck.

karren

you sound lovely, one step at a time x

niftythrifty1

Ive had anxiety problems in the past im much better now.
what worked for me was bath having some counselling so to speak it was cognitive behavioral therapy along with some medication the two can compliment each other and if you don't have the medication it will be a case of not seeing the wood for the trees. ie hell be so overwhelmed anxious he wont be able to take on board the advice so i think the two together can be effective.

the therapist will probably need to know what his internal dialog is saying ie how does he talk to himself ?
my best advice was "stop beating yourself up" and "be nice to yourself" ! hes had it programmed into him from an early age that hes prob not good enough etc etc

im not a psychologist nor doctor just saying whats worked for me.

also just to add for me it was after moving house which is a stressfull time so the less stress in his life the better and he needs to see a more positive outlook if your looking for the negative youll see more negative things around you.

what may work on a subliminal level is yourself too saying even more positive things and comments etc than you normally do like observations around you this could have a positive rub off effect for your husband.
think positive see the positive
good luck :-)

benjismum wrote: »

I'm looking for some advice/support. My husband has always been anxious about things and not confident in himself, when we met he couldn't even eat in front of me.

It mostly stems back to his childhood, his parents never took him and his brother out to eat, drink, holiday or socialise at all. He never saw anyone outside of school, not even family. His parents are very much loners and, for want of a better word, miserable. Through their own doing and his mum has OCD (that's a whole other story).

When his ex broke up with him when he was 21, (they'd been together for a couple of years, we're both around 30 now) he had a total breakdown which, as far as I know, took him about 3 years to get over and start looking for a relationship again. He was on a high dosage of propanolol when we met.

We met just over 5 years ago, in that time my husband has slowly made progress but has always refused to eat/drink out and doesn't like being around people he doesn't know. This has been fine really as we've been busy renovating and redecorating houses which means any time we have been out has been to go on long walk with the dog (away from people).

A few months ago he was given the opportunity through work to go to France for a couple of days, at first he was looking forward to it, he was feeling confident and happy with life in general. Later that night he had a panic attack, I found him almost curled up in a ball in the bathroom, crying. I had to shout at him to calm him down and listen to me. Needless to say he didn't go but it's brought back all those feelings from a few years ago.

Since then we decided we needed to get him out in the world so we started small, just going to the pub on our own for a drink, a cup of tea in the garden centre, etc. Each time he found it hard, but bearable. He even managed to come along on our family Christmas meal, (he's always refused to come before) although he was grasping my hand the whole time and barely ate, he even started crying at one time, saying why isn't his family like mine.

The last few weeks have been the hardest, we've been going out for tea, etc. and he's been ok at the time, then afterwards he's questioning it/himself. Thinking about bad things that have happened in the past, thinking about all the possible things that could happen in the future; money worries, (although we have none), our dog dying, (he's 8 and fit as a fiddle) my parents dying, being alone (we decided not to have kids).

I just don't know what to do, he stopped taking the propanolol altogether about a year ago but today he's had 4 10mg tablets already and says he feels like he can't cope. We have no friends and barely see either family. I was hoping we could get him over this but it's just such a struggle. I want him to go to the doctors and see what they say, hopefully tomorrow.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

Racheldevon

Hi,
I have experience of anxiety myself.
As a first step, go to the GP - not necessary to medicate, unless this feels right for him, but to seek specialist support and get a referral for this - often you won't be offered, so request a referral. It's great you're keen to help, but there's a big difference between this and the way in which a therapist would be able to explore (& be able to deal with issues that arise).
All areas now have an IAPT service, predominantly CBT based, but staffed by well trained therapists, at both the low intensity and high intensity workers.
There may be a long wait for the service, or the initial assessment phase may be quicker in your area, so enquire with your GP about this. You could also explore with the GP a referral to a clinical psychologist.
Think in advance of the appointment the ways in which the anxiety is presenting itself, and map out the way in which it affects his life - from practical, social, emotional, behavioural, psychological, the impact on jobs, relationships with you/family/friends -> isolation etc etc.
You could also choose to access private therapy - most areas have a low cost counselling/psychotherapy service, from anywhere from £10 per session upwards, and this isn't usually time limited, unless the NHS services.
You may also want to think about accessing a Mindfulness based Stress Reduction or Mindfulness based cognitive therapy 8 week course (NICE guideline recommended), which is available on the NHS, often through partnership with local universities (Exeter, Bangor and OXford are all UK centres of excellance). Your GP can refer you, so have a google to find out what's near you, and go armed with info to discuss at the appointment. You can also access these privately, for about £150 for the course, but choose a reputable therapist who is an accredited MBCT trained therapist.
Good luck

skattykatty

just in addition to above, how about:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Mindful-Way-through-Anxiety/dp/1606234641/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

or try a book by jon kabat-zinn

good luck

mulberrytree

I know full well what you are going through as I have suffer from it myself (not as bad as I used to!)

I went to my GP a few years ago and I did some CBT therapy, didn't really work out (I didn't think she was very good personally) and I went back in November and got referred to the Priory in Altrincham- saw a Dr Justin Haslam and he was lovely and has referred me to a private psychiatrist who is equally as lovely.

I have had only had one session with her and I already feel better!

Maybe he needs to go and speak to his GP and be honest- you have to push them mind. It took three paniced phone calls from my Mum to get him to see me and give me a different medication and to get me some proper help.

I am here if you want to talk about anything- I will help out as much as I can.

kelpie35

Can I just say it is so refreshing to see how supportive you are to your husband.

I don't have any advise I can offer you but wish you both every happiness in the future.

SailorSam

I tried to post this last night but Mse went off.
This is a site which i've found to have lots of useful information. You can sign up to get regular email updates.
http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/?nl=1