My husband has anxiety problems

benjismum

I'm looking for some advice/support. My husband has always been anxious about things and not confident in himself, when we met he couldn't even eat in front of me.

It mostly stems back to his childhood, his parents never took him and his brother out to eat, drink, holiday or socialise at all. He never saw anyone outside of school, not even family. His parents are very much loners and, for want of a better word, miserable. Through their own doing and his mum has OCD (that's a whole other story).

When his ex broke up with him when he was 21, (they'd been together for a couple of years, we're both around 30 now) he had a total breakdown which, as far as I know, took him about 3 years to get over and start looking for a relationship again. He was on a high dosage of propanolol when we met.

We met just over 5 years ago, in that time my husband has slowly made progress but has always refused to eat/drink out and doesn't like being around people he doesn't know. This has been fine really as we've been busy renovating and redecorating houses which means any time we have been out has been to go on long walk with the dog (away from people).

A few months ago he was given the opportunity through work to go to France for a couple of days, at first he was looking forward to it, he was feeling confident and happy with life in general. Later that night he had a panic attack, I found him almost curled up in a ball in the bathroom, crying. I had to shout at him to calm him down and listen to me. Needless to say he didn't go but it's brought back all those feelings from a few years ago.

Since then we decided we needed to get him out in the world so we started small, just going to the pub on our own for a drink, a cup of tea in the garden centre, etc. Each time he found it hard, but bearable. He even managed to come along on our family Christmas meal, (he's always refused to come before) although he was grasping my hand the whole time and barely ate, he even started crying at one time, saying why isn't his family like mine.

The last few weeks have been the hardest, we've been going out for tea, etc. and he's been ok at the time, then afterwards he's questioning it/himself. Thinking about bad things that have happened in the past, thinking about all the possible things that could happen in the future; money worries, (although we have none), our dog dying, (he's 8 and fit as a fiddle) my parents dying, being alone (we decided not to have kids).

I just don't know what to do, he stopped taking the propanolol altogether about a year ago but today he's had 4 10mg tablets already and says he feels like he can't cope. We have no friends and barely see either family. I was hoping we could get him over this but it's just such a struggle. I want him to go to the doctors and see what they say, hopefully tomorrow.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

megan01

Heya, I can understand why this can be hard for. I have anxiety problems so can completely understand him. He needs to go to his doctors to get some more medication, and also to go see a counsellor, to talk through his old issues.

Sometimes constantly pushing him to do 'normal' things can be the wrong thing to do. It can be tiring, wearsome, and without some meaning behind what he's doing, he's going to continually find it hard to do these things. He needs to be able to enjoy his life within his own limits which he can expand over time, not doing constant small steps. He will fear everyday, and it will just get worse and worse. I understand what you are trying to do, and it is very commendable, and gradual exposure does work, but only if he finds meaning behind the actions.

If you don't have any friends, and only see your family, its one group of people he's going to fear all the time.

I would suggest he finds something that he likes to do which would most likely be by himself. He can then grow confidence in his ability, to an extent where he might feel like showing other people.

Bufger

Thanks for posting.

Please dont underestimate the stress this can also have on you. Its good that you've shared your worries to ease some of that stress but its important you recognise the signs so you dont both fall into a depressed state.

Its very important that he see's a doctor. He will be able to get professional help for his anxiety, he will be referred to a specialist who will be able to give him coping mechanisms for particular situations which will help him gradually build up his own barriers tackling for the outside world.

All you need to do is support and understand him which it sounds like you do. Try not to take internet advice in this instance and only the advice that he needs to see a professional and needs your love.

All the best xx

dizziblonde

I have an anxiety disorder - the running through apocalyptic scenarios of increasing doom is just something that you can't help - it's frustrating as hell, you KNOW you're being ridiculous but it's like an itch you can't NOT scratch, and your mind just keeps playing whichever one it's latched onto that day over and over and over. You know it's irrational, your partner tells you it's irrational, but you just cannot stop it once you've got an idea in your head - it has to play through, and through and through... hard to explain if you've not been there (and yes, on several occasions I've done the dead dog one myself!).

I found medication sort of worked. I was on citalopram which was really making a difference very very quickly, but then fell pregnant again and had to intially come off meds - which was soooo far from being a good idea it was out the other side and into stupid-land as I rapidly fell apart again, and then went onto one viewed as safer during pregnancy - imipramine... which I'll freely admit is doing a lousy job of it all.

I don't have the social aspect you're talking about though - although when it kicks in I do go into a semi-hibernation mode - I can cope with going out and about, although I manage to do so only by promising myself that "it's only X hours, or I only need to do X, Y and Z before I can go home" - I've found that works with me... bizarrely work used to work for this as well - because I taught I found stepping into my "miss" persona made things feel a bit more insulated and I could cope with things you'd never think a person with anxiety issues could deal with (rabid classes of 11 year olds in the worst schools in the city mainly!)

fashionlover10

I had anxiety issues really badly about 2 years ago to the point were I was struggling to walk to the end of my road alone.

I found that the best thing for me was to write a list of goals I wanted to achieve i.e walk to end of road/pop to the shop/get on a bus etc. I did them in my own time and started off small slowly getting to the point were I took myself of to Eastbourne on the train to stay with friends for a week.

It took quite sometime and I'm not 100% ok now but I've had one or two little wobbles in the last 9 months so I'm doing alright.

Good luck to you and your husband and just remember things do get better!

elsien

It's known as catastrophic thinking and it's something a lot of people do to a degree. If someone hasn't arrived home when they say they would, a lot of us get drawn into the "have they had a crash" type thing.
Only for people with anxiety it's a lot more overwhelming and harder to get out of. As others have suggested, maybe he needs a visit to the GP and more specialised help as well as the support you're giving him.

Lara44

It sounds like you have been doing a lot in the last couple of months. Maybe your OH is feeling a bit bombarded by it all, and struggling to deal with the fallout, in addition to weird emotions about his childhood. I think you're doing all the right things, but maybe not giving enough time for change.

Why don't you both choose one thing to do extra, and then do that for as long as it takes your OH to become relatively comfortable with it. For example, going out for coffee every Sunday afternoon. After several months, when it becomes a part of the routine, maybe then you can look at extending it by inviting friends, or doing something else as well?

Also I think it would be so good if you praised him and helped him to feel positive about these achievements, separately from his anxiety issues. If they become part of a big scary picture it might just reinforce fears about how far he has still got to go - it sounds like that might have happened at Christmas.

Also if you have any scary goals that you might tackle, and he might support you, that could be beneficial. Something like getting fit, then he could keep you company on a walk a couple of evenings per week? It's easy to feel proud and not want to be 'helped' and much nicer to be part of a team working towards goals together.

Person_one

Has he ever had any talking therapy? CBT?

benjismum

Thanks for all of your replies already, I really appreciate it.

I should have said that it's my husband who has been desperate to go out every week. I was afraid it might be a bit too much for him but he was adamant. Last weekend he was ill so we didn't go out for 10 days, which caused him to be worried of a set back in his progress.

I'm glad to hear from some of you with anxiety issues, it makes it easier to see it from his point of view, he's not very good at expressing how he feels. It's funny you should mention about him having something to do on his own. Last night in the pub he was saying how he'd like to play darts more regularly. I had a look online and there's a team a couple of miles from us but I don't know if he's ready for that yet. Maybe that's something he could work to?

He's been worrying lately that he's got spare time in the evenings and weekends, (now we've finished on the house) and doesn't know what to do. Yet when we were so busy all the time he was frustrated at not having time to do his hobbies. He doesn't really have any hobbies that are just his, we do lots together such as watch tv, play games, walk. I have my crafting which is just mine, he needs something too.

We need to invite the family to our house more often, we know that, we just haven't had much time to do it until recently. We've been invited to his brothers house at the weekend, I hope he's up to it as I think it would do him good to get out.

I am thinking of asking him to write down all the things he's worried about so we can talk through them one by one and try to find a way of easing each one, is that a good idea?

benjismum

Person_one wrote: »

Has he ever had any talking therapy? CBT?

I think he went once after he split with his ex but he decided to tackle it on his own. I think he needs to talk to someone now, but he's very cynical and doesn't like people knowing his business.

megan01

benjismum wrote: »

Thanks for all of your replies already, I really appreciate it.

I should have said that it's my husband who has been desperate to go out every week. I was afraid it might be a bit too much for him but he was adamant. Last weekend he was ill so we didn't go out for 10 days, which caused him to be worried of a set back in his progress.

I'm glad to hear from some of you with anxiety issues, it makes it easier to see it from his point of view, he's not very good at expressing how he feels. It's funny you should mention about him having something to do on his own. Last night in the pub he was saying how he'd like to play darts more regularly. I had a look online and there's a team a couple of miles from us but I don't know if he's ready for that yet. Maybe that's something he could work to?

He's been worrying lately that he's got spare time in the evenings and weekends, (now we've finished on the house) and doesn't know what to do. Yet when we were so busy all the time he was frustrated at not having time to do his hobbies. He doesn't really have any hobbies that are just his, we do lots together such as watch tv, play games, walk. I have my crafting which is just mine, he needs something too.

We need to invite the family to our house more often, we know that, we just haven't had much time to do it until recently. We've been invited to his brothers house at the weekend, I hope he's up to it as I think it would do him good to get out.

I am thinking of asking him to write down all the things he's worried about so we can talk through them one by one and try to find a way of easing each one, is that a good idea?

Definitely get him to do the darts thing. it will make him feel more 'normal' give him confidence in something additional and away from you, not to sound bad but he needs to feel like he has an interest in himself if you get me. If you get a whiteboard, split it into days, and then put all the stuff in it that he wants to do, i.e. darts, walk with you on a sunday afternoon, and then fills the additional time with keeping busy decorating or whatever you do, then he will feel like he has time for his hobbies, and for keeping busy. But he needs to be able to learn to be content with doing nothing, he needs to learn to manage his mind when its just him alone, and not kept busy. So make sure there are periods of time in there that are kept free so he can learn to control his mind in these situations. When he sees a therapist, they will give him techniques to do it.

I've found what helped me, is finding a genuine interest in my own physical and mental health. I read articles about how to keep yourself mentally healthy, such as regular sleep pattern, getting outside everyday etc, and food wise I only put food in me that is intended to be, not man made processed foods. By having health awareness it makes sure you are treating your body the best that you can so you don't fall into bad habits and it might help lift the anxiety a bit.