Am I being unreasonable here? Advice needed!

woohoo

Hi all,

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Have been with current partner for 3 months, basically since the time he split with his former girlfriend who he lived with. We were good friends before and there was a real attraction. We have kept our relationship very low key and only a few people are aware. He does not want her to find out yet.

What really troubles me is that it seems either he or the ex can't move on? I'm not sure whether it is one or both really. She pops round and he is more than happy about this as they want to remain friends. They text and facebook (although how much I am unsure as I think he keeps it from me). Photos of them and her are still plastered on the walls of the house even though I must admit I feel uncomfortable about it. He says I should not worry and he can't take them down yet as she would be upset. What about how I feel? When I try to speak to him about how I feel he tells me he has made his choice and this is 'my issue' and I should get over it. I am told regularly what a good person she is, how they never argued, blah blah.

What is going on here??

When we are together we have the most fantastic time. We get on well and really enjoy each others company. The only time we ever disagree is about her. Now and again he says something which winds me up so much I have to say something about how I feel. This never achieves anything though. He hardly seems to listen and just tells me there is no issue, they want to be friends, hes made the choice, get over it basically.

Tell me what you think people please!!! Am I unreasonable?

peachyprice

sorry, but I think at just 3 months into a relationship you're coming on a bit strong expecting him to sever all remnants of a previous long-term relationship that has only just ended.

They had a whole life together, it's not going to be over within such a short time, regardless of how easily he appears to be dealing with it by getting a new girlfriend so quickly.

I would be inclined to back well off and give him the space and time before attempting anything more than a very light hearted relationship with him.

fluffnutter

No, but you might have unrealistic expectations of this relationship, at least at the moment.

IMO, 3 months is waaaay too short a time to have processed the ending of a relationship and come to terms with all that means, grieving for your lost hopes and dreams, learning to view your ex in a different light, and learning how to live your life without them in it. This is harder to do the more serious a relationship is, and I assume it was serious as they lived together.

He might well not want a relationship with his ex any more but that's not the same as being ready for a new one. Personally I think it's always problematic to move from one relationship straight into another and this is a good example of the kind of fall-out it can cause.

He needs time for her to become unimportant in his life and that doesn't happen overnight. Even when you want a relationship to end you don't go from being part of a couple to that person no longer mattering straight away. It takes time to reach that point and three months is not enough.

You can carry on knowing that you'll need to witness his processing the end of his other relationship and deal with the conflict and jealousy that might cause you, or you can back off a little until he's more settled as a single guy. At that point, he's then free to devote all his time to you.

SandC

I think this is a timing issue. You got together as soon as he split with his ex and with the best will in the world, nobody is really ready to get into anything else straight after another relationship breakdown, except for the few times when it really has been dead in the water for a long time.

As they are still so close this clearly isn't the case. They are still keeping each other in their lives because they can't or won't face being totally without them. It's okay to be friends, but in my opinion it should be happening way down the line.

Put it this way, if they are just friends and everything is all over then neither of them would have the slightest problem in the other having someone new in their life. I am not saying they want to be together, but that they haven't yet had chance to be properly apart.

I don't think you can expect him to drop everything from his relationship just like that. But at the same time I don't think you should see this as anything serious while he still has her around - because it will become a problem at some point.

If I were you I would take a big step back. No ultimatums, just get on with your life as you did before you started seeing him. Don't be available all the time, see him if you want to. You have to be very wary of being the 'interim' woman being with someone straight after they split with someone else. He is trying to be kind to her but really, friendship with an ex to that extent doesn't work if AN Other comes into the equation on either side. When you split with someone you should take time off, total clean break, no contact for some months. At that point you can either just let them go as a fondly regarded ex or take up a friendship, but it won't be the sort of friendship they have right now.

Joons

I understand what folk are saying about it not being a long time etc but still, you feel either one or both of them are not moving on so it's an issue to you, perhaps he's not really seeing things from your point of view and this is making you feel worse about it? Men typically are not good at talking about their emotions so try not to take it too personally. I wouldn't like to see pics of her when they were an item nor would I appreciate her popping in - I don't think you're being unreasonable, how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I would question the fact he doesn't want her finding out about you two, why not? Pics of her plastered on the wall sounds pretty excessive to me. So, what I'm trying to say is no you are not being unreasonable but hopefully he's got the message and will and should at respect you enough to limit his contact with her - yes, he can still be her friend but he now has to consider your feelings and not `rub your face` in it.

cheepskate_2

Just because a couple have split, doesnt mean to say they dont love each other or want to get back together.

lostinrates

You are twelves weeks into a new relationship. He is only twelve weeks out of an old one with all the associated memories and behaviours, This is a good reason to have gaps between relationships.

Good luck, nevertheless.

victory

It is all very soon to switch emotions from one to the other, just because it ends does not mean all feelings can be cut off immediately, it takes more time than 3 months:D

Acc72

woohoo wrote: »

Hi all,

Have been with current partner for 3 months, basically since the time he split with his former girlfriend who he lived with.

We were good friends before and there was a real attraction.

We have kept our relationship very low key and only a few people are aware.

He does not want her to find out yet.


Tell me what you think people please!!! Am I unreasonable?

How long was your partner together with his ex ?

So, they split up and you got together straight away ?

You were previously good friends and there was an attraction - was your relationship the reason he broke up with his ex ?

Why is it all a big secret ?

Although you have been together for just 3 months it sounds as though you feel that it has been going on much longer as you were previously friends (even if it was nothing more .... ?).

thorsoak

Well you have asked for opinions, and in my opinion you have rushed into a relationship with a person who has just left another relationship - which you possibly were instrumental in its breakdown - and now you are complaining about the fragility of the current relationship.

What do you expect when your partner has jumped into your bed before his ex-partner's bed was cold? Did you not think about taking things slowly? Easy come, easy go comes to mind.

Mojisola

woohoo wrote: »

We have kept our relationship very low key and only a few people are aware. He does not want her to find out yet.

Photos of them and her are still plastered on the walls of the house even though I must admit I feel uncomfortable about it. He says I should not worry and he can't take them down yet as she would be upset.

He hardly seems to listen and just tells me there is no issue, they want to be friends, hes made the choice, get over it basically.

I wouldn't be happy with these aspects. It would make me feel that he really wanted to still be with her and is hoping that will happen. In the meantime, I'll do.