Am I being unreasonable here? Advice needed!

SandC

Lots of people try to cling on to a friendship after a relationship breaks down.

I think he just feels guilty that he moved on to someone else straight whereas she clearly hasn't. He doesn't want any kind of bad feeling and he senses that she won't take it so well if/when she finds out. Hence his reaction to your suggestion that she's too involved still - classic defensive deferrence of his problem being thrown back to you to make it look like it's yours.

I still think it's early days to be making ultimatums but as you've already spoken to him about this then I think it's time you took a step back and let him see he can't have everything on his terms. As you've said, it doesn't bode well for the future and he needs to have chance to miss you not being around before he'll do anything.

bagpussbear

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He hasn't moved on totally from this other girlfriend, he likes her company, he likes to look at her (ie.photos) when he is not around her. He doesn't want her out of his life, at this particular moment in time. He is happy, apparently, with the ways things are. However you are not happy,understandably.

Personally, I would back away gently, no need for any scene or argument, just concentrate on doing other things you like, go out with friends more, just not be available to the same extent you have been. When/if he starts a conversation as to why you are being distant, then say that you don't believe he is fully over his ex, evidenced by the fact of the photos and the excessive contact (in your opinion) with her, so you are giving him more space to sort out what (and who) he wants from life. Best of luck.

FBaby

I'm sorry but I think you are being led on. What it sounds like he is doing is keeping his options open to see who he will commit with. The excuse of not telling her so not to upset her is very very unlikely. What is likely is that he told her that they needed a break to reassess their relationship and see how it goes, whether getting back together or breaking up.

It sounds like he wants to rekindle the good things with her, but keep you hanging in case it doesn't happen.

Are you prepared to be second best?

Acc72

Just a few questions :

- How long were your partner and his ex together for ?
- How old are all 3 of you ?
- Are any children involved (with any of you) ?

Vortex1

You are not being unreasonable, just naive.

woohoo

Hi,

to answer the questions, they were together for 6 years. We are both early 40s and have a child each from previous relationships (his child is not with the ex!)

peachyprice

Oh my, the way you were talking I thought you were both in your 20's.

fluffnutter

woohoo wrote: »

Hi again,

his family know and so do some of his/my friends. He is careful not to tell anyone who might spill the beans to her.

I do not think they are sleeping together. I really don't.

I suppose it is the lack of respect for my feelings that is hurting. And yes this doesn't bode well for the future does it?!

Oh dear

Hmm, time to let go, woohoo. This is not the way to start a relationship. It doesn't have to be the end of hope though. If you and this guy are really right together, you'll find your way back to one another.

But do it on an equal footing. When he's over his ex. At the moment this relationship is too unbalanced to be healthy.

barbiedoll

I'd definitely take a good step back from this situation, there's obviously a lot going on that you're not aware of, even if they're not still sleeping together.

After 3 months, it's really none of her business who he is now seeing, no matter how good their friendship is. Why does he need to spare her feelings? They've split up, they no longer live together, she must realise that he's not going to stay single forever and why should he?

You need to be a bit less available yourself. Start making yourself unavailable for dates and don't think that you have to explain why to him. Just tell him that you're "busy". Either he will be bothered or he won't. If he is, you can say that you don't really want to spend your free time gazing at pictures of his ex and that you are spending time with people who aren't allowed to know about your relationship so you can't see him at the moment.
And if he isn't bothered, well.....you know the rest.

And you're both in your 40's? Goodness me, I thought it all got less complicated as you got older!

FBaby

The 'friendship' doesn't make sense. Either you manage to remain friends, which his itself is rare, and therefore like friends, you welcome their new partners/friends, or don't care about them OR you don't really remain friends but two people who haven't broken the emotional link, are battling with their feelings, and are still hoping to get back togerher somehow, hence the not mentioning new relationships.