Am I being unreasonable here? Advice needed!

StuC75

It seems that his main concern is over his ex's feelings than your own. Whilst you may have been ready, he doesnt seem to be in that same position. But I've never really believed in the 'rebound' crap, 1 day, 1 year everyone takes different time to move on.. Some people already knew things were over before the crunch.. So thats not really something for an Internet forum to judge anyone upon..

Whats his reasons for keeping quiet from the ex? is there Children involved? Financial impact - e.g. a Mortgage or house rented together \ financial ties? Anything which he may feel her knowing of him starting a new relationship could affect her response until such a time he gets it resolved.

My ex moved out 3 months ago and the joint pictures were quickly taken down..

comments regarding ex's are always inevitable (I have started new relationship since and my view is happy to answer any q's or thoughts may have on that, but its not something Im leading the conversations to be about, and do always say that theres 2 sides to any story), but such a constant physical reminder of that past surely has to infuriate anyone..

Joons

StuC75 wrote: »

It seems that his main concern is over his ex's feelings than your own. Whilst you may have been ready, he doesnt seem to be in that same position. But I've never really believed in the 'rebound' crap, 1 day, 1 year everyone takes different time to move on.. Some people already knew things were over before the crunch.. So thats not really something for an Internet forum to judge anyone upon..

Excellent point.

claire16c

Mojisola wrote: »

I wouldn't be happy with these aspects. It would make me feel that he really wanted to still be with her and is hoping that will happen. In the meantime, I'll do.

I agree. I would not want to be with him if hes not over his ex yet.

I would split up with him.

woohoo

Thank you for all your replies.

He told me their relationship had been over for many months. I was not the cause of the break up, he was clear about that. However we did want to be together once they split.

I know its only a short time. So much of my emotional energy has gone into this already. I don't want to end it with him but at the same time I don't think I can cope with all this ex business! I am not the sort of person who can feel upset and not say anything. I can't help myself, but he doesn't seem to take it on board? Its like his way or the highway. The sad thing is I do see this going somewhere when things have calmed down. Just what to do in the mean time I suppose:undecided

podperson

Tbh it doesn't sound like he's over her yet - and that would make me very wary about being a relationship with him. If she's so wonderful, they never argued etc then why did they break up - was it her decision or his?

I can understand still being friends and still having some pictures round the house but the fact that he doesn't want to tell her that you two are now dating even after 3 months implies that either he thinks a lot more of her feelings than he does yours or he's still holding out hope that they might get back together.

Edited - just to add. I also don't think the fact that so soon into the relationship he's already completely dismissing your feelings and concerns. Whether he agrees with them or not he should take on board the fact that it's upsetting you - what about when a more serious issue may come up down the line? Is he going to completely ignore your feelings on that as well and just do what he wants?

Mojisola

podperson wrote: »

I can understand still being friends and still having some pictures round the house but the fact that he doesn't want to tell her that you two are now dating even after 3 months implies that either he thinks a lot more of her feelings than he does yours or he's still holding out hope that they might get back together.

I wouldn't want to be anyone's secret bit on the side! If someone wants to keep a relationship hidden from friends, there's something unhealthy going on there.

TeamLowe

what difference does it make if he upsets his ex by saying he's with you unless he wants to get back together with her?

my wild jumping to a conclusion is that it wasn't his choice to break up with his ex and you'll do for now until the ex agrees to come back

either way it doesn't seem like he respects your feelings so i would be out the door or just treating as a nice way to spend a few evenings

balletshoes

woohoo wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies.

He told me their relationship had been over for many months. I was not the cause of the break up, he was clear about that. However we did want to be together once they split.

I know its only a short time. So much of my emotional energy has gone into this already. I don't want to end it with him but at the same time I don't think I can cope with all this ex business! I am not the sort of person who can feel upset and not say anything. I can't help myself, but he doesn't seem to take it on board? Its like his way or the highway.
The sad thing is I do see this going somewhere when things have calmed down. Just what to do in the mean time I suppose:undecided

There you go, you've answered your own question. He isn't over his ex yet, so the ball is in your court as to how you react to that.

I'd keep things casual, he can't commit to you fully until he's dealt with his feelings regarding the split-up from his ex. So theres no point in you committing to him yet, by all means have fun together, but don't set your sights on him being "the one" - sounds like he's got a ways to go before he's ready for anything like that.

Acc72

woohoo wrote: »

Its like his way or the highway.

And your posts indicate that it is your way or the highway !

Clearly you need to talk to him about this and hopefully both come to some kind of acceptable compromise.

Joons

woohoo wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies.

He told me their relationship had been over for many months. I was not the cause of the break up, he was clear about that. However we did want to be together once they split.

I know its only a short time. So much of my emotional energy has gone into this already. I don't want to end it with him but at the same time I don't think I can cope with all this ex business! I am not the sort of person who can feel upset and not say anything. I can't help myself, but he doesn't seem to take it on board? Its like his way or the highway. The sad thing is I do see this going somewhere when things have calmed down. Just what to do in the mean time I suppose:undecided

What he tells you and what actually happens appears to contradict itself, ie, pics plastered, her `popping` in etc...... It is a short time but as has been said, nobody on here can say when someone is ready for another relationship, I came out of one that lasted 13 years and went straight into another one and this is my current partner of nearly 11 years now so it just depends, lots of folk have already left the relationship long before they move out or split up for good. This is not so much about him poss still having feelings for her etc, I think it's more about him not giving you enough respect, almost dismissing your concerns, if that's happening after 3 months it's a slight worry for the future.